AIBU to want my dad to help me? I'm now having sleepless nights...

[rubbishfamily333]

I have named changed for this!

Well I am about to move into a new flat, I am a single parent and I don't have much money at the moment atall. My dad told me he would come to help with my new flat, the whole place needs plastered, painted and something done with the floors.

In the meantime my dad has got my brother into trouble and now my brother is in prision and waiting for a court date. My dad is running around speaking to the solicitor and trying to think of ways to get my brother out of prision.

I understand that this is important, and I'm not suggesting that my dad should stop helping my brother, but all I want him to do is to come and look at my flat and arrange for his friend to start to plaster my flat.

My dad kept telling me he would come to see my new place and then kept letting me down, he didn't even ring to say he's not coming, then I had to ring him to ask where he was etc. (its not unusual for my dad to be a let down).

When my sister moved into a new house, my dad was down there doing all the work with his friend and I know its different circumstances now because he got my brother in trouble and feels guilty and is running around like an idiot trying to find ways to get him out of prision, but I am still upset that he isnt even prepared to get his friend to help me. And my sister is married and her husband can pretty much do all the plastering, electrics and work that needed to be done.

This new flat is not livable at the moment and I really don't have thousands of pounds to get it plastered. So right now I am thinking about calling my dad to say "I know you are stressed out at the moment, but please can you arrange for your friend to come to see my flat to find out if he will do the work or not". Or I am thinking about calling my dads friend myself

My dad is narcissistic and everything is about him. Even though its his mainily his fault my brother is in prision he is going around saying he is stressed out etc and making it all about him.

Sorry its so long, I just don't know what to do.

Also I hope I don't sound like I'm wing selfish, but it's just that I never ever ask my dad for help and the one time I do he won't help me!

I know it's easier said than done, but I'd stop relying on your dad. It will only ever bring you frustration and disappointment. I think phoning your dad's friend is an ideal solution. Good luck in your new home.

If he's narcissistic, don't expect much from him. He's interested in looking good and getting the most attention, so your brother's problems will trump yours.

Also (again, if he's a narcissist), I wouldn't want to be indebted to him. He'll never ever let you forget about it and make you feel that you owe him. And why would you want such a person involved in your life?

Dahlen - Normally I never ask my dad for any help, but in this case I felt I could ask him as he is a carpenter and has alot of builder friends that would charge me alot less then a normal builder would.

I am concerned that if I call my dads friend myself my dad might feel that I'm going behind his back and then stop his friend from doing the work.

Distance - What you said is exactly right, if he does one favour for you then he never lets you forget it.

I really just feel that it is unfair that he did my sisters whole house with his friend and also helped my brother with his. And once again I get no help from him.

Yes, it is unfair. But you really shouldn't expect any help from a narcissist. First, he probably won't give it to you unless it somehow reflects well on him. Second, he will make you feel you owe him - for him, this isn't something freely given, but something that he'll use for leverage later on.

Having a narcissist father is utter crap, and I'm so sorry about it. But really, I think it's best for your own mental health if you don't expect anything from him. He's not a normal father.

I completely agree, he is not a normal father, and it does upset me alot, but mostly I have managed not to rely on him. Its just that I know I don't have thousands of pounds to pay for plastering.

well i think i will call his friend but he probably wont do the work if i ask him.

Sounds like your dad offered to help because, at the time, it was the 'hero' activity to make him feel good. Now he has a new one.

If the flat genuinely is uninhabitable you need to get the basics done asap. I would go to your dad's friends direct and if he gets the hump, tell him you were trying to help given he is busy. If he withdraws his offer of help - well, that's up to him. Seems unlikely all his friends will refuse to help as well.

tribpot - my brother had already been arrested when he said he would help, but since then has been refused bail, so thats why my dad has been trying to do different things to get my brother out. Although most things he will do will probably cause more trouble.

I have just tried to call my dads friend, as I know you are all right, I just really feel upset that he has messed me around.

His friend is a really nice guy but is abit lazy, and having my dad on his back makes him do the work, if its me asking him he might never get round to it.

And I do't actually have any of his other friends numbers that I can call.

The other thing is, my mum and dad are spilt up and my mum keeps going on asking well where is your dad and why isnt he helping? And thats making me more upset.

Her partner is also in the building trade and has plastered one room for me, I have to pay him but it is much cheaper then a normal plaster would charge me, but still alot of money. But my mum is making me feel like she doesn't want her partner to do the work and thinks my dad should be doing it.

So I'm just generally feeling stuck.

I really hate my famly at times.