Gave up being a 'control freak'....now I live in a dump...

[boredbuthappy]

Exactly as the subject line states....my DH has accused me of being a control freak for years, because I prefer an organized tidy clean home ie pot and pans go in the pots and pans cupboard and not in a heap in some other place....for starters....

Anyway, I have recently just given up trying to maintain a level of civilized life that I consider as standard, and now I am indundated on a daily basis with tasks just to find a clean bloody spoon for my tea.

I'll throw in now that the level of argument in our home over these kinds of things has been unproportional to the actual problem on hand and there have been some very very upsetting domestics between us over things such as enormous amounts of water left all over the worktop around the sink after he uses it. I can't fight anymore. I NEED to live in a clean orgainzed home where I'm not having to wash a spoon to use a spoon. He actually has a problem with me washing up several times a day. He actually tells me it bothers him that I clean everyday. Really? Am I utterly bonkers or has anyone out there left their DP after years of this type of nonsense? I am close.

We have a child as well which obviously adds to the amount of work needed to not live in a giant mess all the time.

This post might seem ridiculous to some out there, but I am very serious. I work full-time, I want to be able to rely on him to at least semi-maintain the work I put into in keeping our house tidy. I would like to do something else on a weekend besides scrub toilets (he's never cleaned a toilet in the 8 years we've been married).

I'm just sick of it.

YANBU.
Men and women have different standards but that's no excuse on his part. Can you afford a cleaner?

Men and women do not have different standards itchy. Different people have different standards and gender does not come into it.

OP I really feel for you. How does your DH feel about the state of the house now that you are letting things go?

Write everything down that you think needs to be done. Get your partner to do the same. Tell him why you think each chore needs to be done and how often, and ask his opinion. If you can't persuade him to see it your way, try to make a compromise eg. he washes up after lunch and you wash up after dinner instead of doing it 3or 4 ttimes a day.

You just don't sound very compatible. Have you considered counselling?

I don't believe you've given up being a control freak, because I don't believe your ever were the control freak you've been accused of being.

Wanting to live in a clean organised home is not the same as being a control freak. It doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. My OH wants higher standards than I, or even he for that matter, can achieve and gets quite arsey about it when other stresses become too much. He is a control freak and it's something that can't be given up, it takes a lot of effort to control it.

I think Xalyssx has a good idea there, see if you can get him to see why a higher standard than he seems happy with is better. What I did to get around the constant washing up, my OH would jump up do it because I had 'left' it to eat my meal, was buy extra crockery and cutlery and everything goes in the dishwasher.

YADNBU about the toilet, it doesn't take a lot of effort if done daily rather than left for the weekend, and it shouldn't all be left to one person. Does he work FT, PT? Do you think he views cleaning as 'women's work'?

Umm.... because your partner dictating how you live is not super-controlling behaviour? More so that you cleaning! The problem is that he is a man-child and trying to control you, and you are not responding to him in the right way. By having arguments about it means you are lowering yourself to 'child' too. You need to decide what you find acceptable at home, you need to set down adult boundaries down with consequences. Personally, I lived with a man-child like that and it was not nice, I found it really reflected his lack of respect or love for me. There is nothing wrong with wanting a tidy and clean home, that is pretty normal.

If he won't help you clean then he needs to pay for a cleaner. Its not fair to leave it all to you and definitely not fair for him to expect you and your child to live in a dump.

What does his mum say? I find the mother in law excellent ammunition with my DH.

if boredbuthappy's dh didn't clean toilet in 8 years I doubt his mother will support her - she taught him to be allowed not to help at home

I used to be a control freak too, was one for 15 years.

Then I left my H and became a tidy person who cleans the house weekly and finds a cleanish and clutterfree home a nice place to live and relax in.

The only thing that has changed, of course, is I'm no longer married.

Many years ago, my husband flipped at the amount of time I spent cleaning. So I decided to not wash the main bathroom's sink, to see if he can tell why I needed to clean.
3 months later it was not grim, it was disgusting, so I couldn't take it anymore and pointed it to him. He went mental at me, he is rinsing it after each use, it's just me being a freak.

Then one day I got fed up and cleaned the darn sink. I was still not using it, I figured I needed another 3 months of bleaching before I could confortably use it. He came home and saw it and asked me if I replaced the sink while he was away!!!!

By then I realised I have no hope with him being able to tell when and why cleaning needs to be done. But that sink served as ammunition for years.

I would not 'lower my standards' for him, I can't/won't live like that. Slowly but surely I gave him jobs that are his and I appeared to be very intolerant if he didn't do them and I continued to clean as per normal.

I know these issues. My ex used to call me the fuhrer and get angry when I cleaned. He didn't clean, but he said I didn't do it properly. All very messy and unpleasant. Try the list approach. Try To take the heat out of the argument.

Try reading Wifework by Susan Maushart. If nothing else it will reassure you that you are not a control freak. May not solve your marital woes though.

Antimatter, why blame the dh's mother? Perhaps the father set a bad example.

Nothing wrong with wanting some organisation in your home, it's needed to ensure a smooth and happy household, no wonder you re sick of him, his laziness is astounding, it's not you that needs to change it's him. And yes most men are not aware or what needs cleaned, it amazes me how they can't see it, bet they would if it was left for a year.

He needs to step up to the mark OP, he's not pulling his weight and it bothers him because it highlights his defects.

If he won't help you clean then he needs to pay for a cleaner.

Get a cleaner. Best money I spend each month. As a full time working mim if two is there another way? I only surface clean now. And don't stress (too much) about DH and DCs mess because I know my guardian angel will soon arrive.

That would really annoy me too! We can't afford a cleaner and I have just left work to be a SAHM for a couple of years while our DCs are small. I am really into systems and knowing where things should be kept, getting the washing done, shopping off a meal plan etc. DH is not so into this side of things but he's very good at loading dishwasher, doing the hoovering, ironing his own shirts and lending a hand with the cooking.

The bottom line is that it's not fair for one partner to completely impose their views / standards on the other - if you were a complete neat freak and constantly nagging and shouting at him for failing to live up to absolute perfectionist standards in his own home that wouldn't really be fair. Equally, though, it is very unfair of him to create a mess, not clean up after himself and actually have a go at you for trying to keep the house tidy. He can start to clean up or you can tell him to clear off!

I have a DH who doesn't notice housework and it drives me barmy. I have to ask him to do things and my argument is I shouldn't have to, obviously. I do clean more than him and accuse him of not caring. He does care but still doesn't notice. Occasionally he'll say yes the house is getting grubby and yes it needs cleaning.

I've worked ours thy we have different standards of cleanliness. I wash up several times a day, he is happy to do everything at the end of the day. This is fine, but I'm not washing up then, he can do it of that's what he chooses when he is at home.

You need to compromise, or write a jobs list so he can see what needs doing. Do you need to clean everyday? What are we talking about here? If you mean clean bathrooms and Hoover everyday then yes yabu. That's your standards, not your DH's.

Despite my DH being rubbish at noticing housework he cooks a lot, washes up, baths DS every night, waters the garden, does the bins. Yes of like it to be better but I do wonder if you are a perfectionist who is a bit 'my way or no way'. You have to meet in the middle. If there is no middle and he's just a plain slob, get a cleaner or um...leave him. Dump all his crap on his side of the bed.

My husband will wash up in the evening and cook his own food. That's it.