Parenting / step parent issues - help!

[Arsescratcher]

I've also posted this in step parent forum but thought it may get more traffic here - I've created a new account as I don't want to be identifiable.

This may be long, please bear with me.

Background:

I met my partner when my son was 2 years old. I was married to Sons dad, wasn't a happy relationship. I was young, thought it was the right thing marrying him as I'd got pregnant very quickly into the relationship. In all honesty I never loved him. I think this had an effect on my son looking back as he was quite clingy, and by the time he was 18mo the relationship had broken down and we were alone and happy.

Fast forward 6m and I met current partner. Things moved quickly and although I was cautious due to previous relationship Right from the beginning he was pretty much spot on, very hands on with J, and treated him like his own. Never had any issues. J saw his dad mrs weekends, which was great but his dad has always spoilt him materialistically and it would show on a Sunday night when he returned.

After 2 years we had a child of our own, and things were good. Partner has always been a good dad, yet as our daughter got a bit older I could see he treated her differently. Nothing big, subtle things. He always argued that from a strangers POV they wouldn't notice and that I was being uber sensitive, which maybe I was. He is extremely close with our daughter, to the point that even sometimes I used to get get narked with it as he totally lavished her with attention and I'd feel like a spare part some weekends when J wasn't home.

Over the years I feel that the relationship between J and his step dad has worsened. Nothing huge, which probably may look like I'm nit picking and he hasn't ever done any thing bad I suppose its what he ISNT doing I have issue with. We've been together 9 years now by the way.

He still sees his dad most weekends.

For example - I can't remember when he last took J to the park to have a kick about.

J loves fishing and pops out after school most nights to fish in the village, he's asked partner to go along a few times and he's said no most times. Sometimes with good reason if he's got stuff on, but sometimes he appears like he can't be bothered.

I feel that he has almost given up. Its as if he thinks 'well I'm not his dad so I'm not going to try and be'

I have taken this up with him again tonight, he feels I'm attacking him and I'm not. I want a fair and realistic solution.

He argues that it is harder for him as he sees his dad 2-3 days a week and doesn't have the time during the week for quality time. This is true, but there are ways. He argues his dad has and always will spoil him with material items, and he can't and won't compete. Again, he's right he is spoilt by his dad and sometimes his attitude when he comes home stinks, and I have to be firm with him. His dad will never change this so I won't waste my efforts talking t him about it.

He said if his dad had never been around he could've been the parent and felt like he truly was his dad, but that hasn't happened, and actually this isn't a bad thing. I am glad my sons real dad is about in many ways as some children don't get that. We all get along, his dad pays his way, and has on the whole been reliable over the last 9 1/2 years. I see its not left a avenue for OH to step into dad shoes and it only be him but he doesn't see he can STILL have a relationship with him, albeit a different one.

He also throws at me that I have no idea what being a step parent is like so can't expect everything I argue he has no idea how it is to be me, or the 11year old who may just be picking up on these things.

We've also had another child recently and he's great with her too, I can't fault him as a dad to the girls at all I just feel he is lacking with his stepson, and it really hurts me, and although it may not show yet it will have an effect on him at some point. I want him to grow up feeling loved by us all, not to tell me I fucked up. I find it hard also that he appeared better early on in our relationship with J than what he is now. I don't know why.

I've felt that he could actually have a great relationship with J as although J loves his real dad its plainly obvious he isn't secure with him. He hates the fact his dad smokes and when he calls him mid week he's in the pub every night. He's always said he's glad we don't drink and smoke. He asked me this year if he condo take J out of school for a week to go abroad, J asked me to lie for him and say school said no as he didn't want to go away with his dad as he didn't feel safe but did with us. So whilst he loves his dad, he's happy and secure here. I've explained to OH that taking him out once a week and going fishing / play football for a bit would do him the world of good. I hate that I have to suggest these things. He should want to.

I may have painted him to be a bad person which of course he isn't because I wouldn't be here if he was, I'm just at a loss as how I can help improve things. OH is very much a 'black and white' person. He's the type of person who thinks well this is the way it is so deal with it and whilst that way of mind may work with some things, like his job I've had to tell him in the past that it doesn't work thinking that way in relationships and with children. He feels because J hasn't come out and said he's upset or wants to do extra stuff with him its ok. Again, thinking black and white. If it ain't broke don't fix it mentality.

I've said tonight that whilst I see his point in that I can never understand how it must feel t be a step parent I also can't sit by and ignore how I feel about this as it has started to make me feel a bit resentful over things with us a couple. I'm getting sensitive if he tells J off now comparing it to how he tells the others off and I don't want that. I know that if this isn't nipped in the bud now it will fester.

So please help! Advice majorly appreciated. Ill probably show him this.

Ps - be honest, but nice

I am in a very similar situation, been with DH 5 years and have a 12 year old and a 2 year old. I have essentially told DH that he either makes more effort with her or it's a dealbreaker. I feel like I have to kick him up the arse and it pisses me off and makes me very angry and upset. It's the only thing we still fall out over.

As far as I am concerned, he knew I had a child when we met and if he had told me then that he wasn't going to bother being a good stepdad then I would never have married him. He needs reminding of that fact and I am deadly serious that his half assed attempts are just not good enough and are leading to my dd feeling second best.

DH has always been of the opinion that it isn?t about being his Dad but carving his own role in Ds life. Ds was less than a year old when we met and DS has contact with his Dad on a regular basis but it hasn't stopped the two of them developing a very special relationship and that?s because DH has invested fun, patience and love over the years.

You wanted honest, it sounds like your partner can?t be arsed to compete with his Dad and therefore doesn't want to try. You can?t make any adult do anything they don?t want to, kids know when someone wants to invest time in them and if he?s picking up the ?cba? vibe then your son won?t want to make an effort either.

I am a step-child and my Step-dad treated my sisters and I differently, it has caused issues with my relationship with my mother well into adulthood because I saw her stand back and then join in with the mentality.

Don't let your son feel 2nd best because your partner is an inadequate step-parent.

Well, your dh is not his dad and ds has a dad, ok things aren't perfect but every weekend contact is pretty good. If he's decent to your ds leave it at that, don't force a relationship where there isn't a need for one. He has an involved dad, why do you want him to have 2?

I think you may get further if you change tactic.

Your DH may feel that he has to make more effort with his girls because they don't have an additional father like your DS does. Maybe he worries that your girls will feel left out in some way. Acknowledging this with appreciation for where he's coming from may put him less on the defensive.

You can then go on to talk about what your DS needs from your DH. Tell him what you've told us about him being insecure about his dad and needing a better role model in your DH. How much he likes your DH and what he represents.

Step parenting can be difficult. Some step parents assume the role thinking they can love another child as much as their own, and it's not until they have their own that they realise they can't. That doesn't make them bad people, it just means they had no frame of reference to make an accurate judgement. They compensate by trying to ensure that they treat the step child with the same consideration and effort as they do their biological child, even if they don't feel the same. And that's ok. You can't manufacture feelings where they don't exist, but quite often the act of behaving in a certain way means the feelings soon follow. Most people can't help but form a deep emotional connection to a child that they live with given time, unless there are other problems interfering with that. Children are not stupid and can sense the absence of feeling, but if there is affection there and consistency in the way children are treated, it usually works out ok.

Ask for more from your DH but do so in a motivational sense, rather than a critical way. Good luck.

I don't agree with you there Dahlen it?s like saying adoptive parents can?t love their children like their own biological children.

Granted, some people don't have the emotional range required to feel past blood but many people do and I know that my DH would be devastated if someone insinuated he would love a biological child more than he loves DS. DH has been there for night feeds, teething, milestones, highs and lows and as much as he loves children is reluctant to have any more as he enjoys giving all his time and attention to DS. True, we don?t have another to compare too but I know DH and he is incredibly vocal about this subject and will chew the ear off to all and sundry about ?his boy?. When our nieces were born he fell in love with them too, but he says it just doesn?t come close to how he feels about DS and if you asked DS who loves him the most in the world, I would bet my wage on him saying DH.

Everyone is different, but I don?t think it?s fair to cast generalisations about step- parents.

Booster - sorry if I didn't make myself clear enough there. I don't for one minute believe that people generally aren't capable of loving a non-biological child as much as their biological one. I know I am capable of loving a child who isn't my own, so I assume other people are too. But not everyone is, and unfortunately, sometimes you don't find out which you are until you're in that situation. I don't think that makes the people who feel like that bad people, though it's very sad for all concerned. Does that make more sense?

Thanks Dahlen, it does.

Its the children in this I worry about, adult relationships can be a complex animal for children to fathom and even if you knew in your heart of hearts that you loved them but not quite in the same way as your own as a responsible adult I just don't think you can go around making it obvious to the child and slack on the effort.

If the OPS partner respected her, he would show her son more respect. Poor kid is going to end up feeling like a 3rd wheel in his own home.

How long before the DD picks up on how her Dad treats her DB? He inst being a very good role model IMO.

Yes I think if the child sees their own father then the stepfather role is different and more of a step back, although of course it's difficult because if they live with them most of the time then it's imperative that they treat them the same as other children in the house etc.

I think Dahlen makes a good point - it does sound like he's overcompensating. Perhaps also he feels uncomfortable that DS' father buys him so many material things that he wouldn't buy for his own children. I think this is understandable but unfounded, children of course are thrilled by material things but you cannot buy love. He should be buying the same sorts of things for all the children, and maybe spoiling his DD a bit at the weekend when her brother is off doing stuff with his dad. But he shouldn't for a moment feel that she is missing out because he gets to do this.

I also think it's a bit unfair that he won't do things like go fishing with him in the time that they have together - he might be tired on a weeknight but it would be nice of him to make the effort given that he doesn't see him at the other times.

Children are generally really bad at communication - it's not okay to assume everything's okay as he hasn't said anything. I think it would probably mean the world to him for his stepdad to suggest some man-to-man time, and it might be worth reminding your DP that DS doesn't always feel safe with his dad and it would be really positive for him to have a more emotionally healthy and positive male role model especially as he's about to enter the teenage years which will be a real turmoil. It will really pay off in the next few years if your DP can push past his feelings of (I don't know - jealousy, inadequacy, uselessness?) and really foster a positive and trusting relationship between them to whether them through the emotional storm of the teenage stage, where if he feels rejected by his stepdad, he may well turn towards the smoking, alcohol and materialism modelled by his dad. This is the perfect time to try and pre-empt that as much as possible.

Good luck!

But there are no guidelines for being a step parent. In other words your dh feels like he knows how to be a parent (he has the experience of watching his own parents/friends parents/his friends and siblings being parents so it comes more easily) but how to be a step parent when your ds already has that role filled.

I often felt like a spare tool where my dsd was concerned. I was not necessary to her everyday development except maybe a s a support (cooking, washing, in case her Dad was unavailable) so I often felt that it really wouldn't have mattered to her whether I was here or not when she came to visit (so I would use her visits to go and visit my friends and family). Maybe your dh feels similar.

I wonder if he may feel guilty when he spends time with just your son. When I spend time with my partner's children without my son I feel horribly guilty.

I do feel for you. I also feel for your partner, who sounds like he started well.

If stepparents have their own bio kids or have them later, you simply cannot under-estimate the dynamics that a blood relationship brings. Just ask any 2 people who got together and both have live-in kids. Each is now a parent and a step-parent; and even when there is love for all the children and consistent parenting, the dynamic can simply BE / FEEL different.

Add to this the fact that your son has regularly seen his dad for years. Many step parents say that they wouldn't get involved if the other parent is around, maybe to be out of the way completely, or to allow the child identify / connect fully with the other bio parent. Not saying it's right or wrong, just a reality. So if you have someone who's coming in and loves you, develops love with your child and also deals with an ex that may be an unknown entity for them - it's a big deal. Step families often unfairly get compared with first families, when the dynamics are more delicate and complex.

Also bear in mind that children who are also stepchildren bear losses from their parents' relationship, throughout their lives! It's not necessarily damaging - just there (e.g. for a step daughter 'I love my dad and my stepdad, so who walks me down the aisle?'). That's why I said your partner seemed to start well; but things do change over the years, especially in step families - not that things can't change again for the better. (BTW contrary to what someone posted earlier, some adoptive parents DO sometimes have an adjustment period when bonding can be difficult in the first months / years despite the love they have for their child).

For the record I am a 41 step child and to this day I'm always trying to protect the feelings of whichever dad I speak to or about. My stepdad was passive and reserved from day 1 - which was kinda helpful in some ways due to our childhood history before he came along. My husband is also a stepchild and dealt with an aggressive step dad - not great.

I am also the step mum of a live in 13 year old. Hubby and ex get on v well (one of those rare exceptions), and she sees her daughter EVERY DAY which has been very valuable to her daughter, but also sometimes challenging too, in terms of my presence / role / influence.

My husband and his daughter embraced me and gotten me involved in their life and activities from day 1 (when she was 11). It's been good in many ways but too overwhelming too quickly in other ways, so things have slowed down on that front whilst we all re-pace ourselves.

Just wanted to give you some insight, don't know if any of that helped. Have you tried sharing some of this thread with your partner? Don't underestimate how much your partner may be dealing with too - maybe it's hard for him to talk about and identify things. We read some step family books that feel like they've saved our lives!