Would you talk to this friend or just leave it?

[Madratlady]

I have a friend that I've been friends with for 7 years. She's probably my closest friend, although we see each other and speak less often since she moved to another town an hours drive away. We've been there for each other through a break up of a long term relationship each, meeting new partners and were each other's bridesmaids fairly recently.

I'm 16 weeks pregnant and since then I've found her quite difficult to spend time with. She's also desperate to be a mum and has openly admitted to me that she's very jealous, although she has made an effort to ask how we're getting on preparing for the baby etc. DH thinks that part of it might be that her and her dh have been together longer, and married longer than me and my dh, so she might feel a bit weird that I'm having a baby first. Thing is we're in different situations and have different priorities, for example she lived at home while she saved to buy a house while I chose moving out and so still rent. She'd now rather do work on the house to get it all to her liking before trying for a baby whereas I'd rather have a baby and live in an adequate, if far from perfect, house. She wants to be a stay at home mum so wants to get all the cost of doing the house up out of the way first, whereas I've accepted we'll never be able to afford that. I don't think either of us is doing the wrong thing, just different.

Thing is, I've seen her twice since I've been pregnant and both times I've had an earful off her (she can be very blunt and opinionated which is usually one of the things I like about her and I can deal with it) and it feels like I'm being told I'm doing it wrong. First time, before I knew I was pregnant, I got a rant about how I shouldn't be trying for a baby as I wasn't financially stable enough as me and DH were finishing paying a large debt and very short of cash (debt now dealt with) and it was too soon in my marriage. Second time it was telling me that I have too many pets, they cost me too much money and I should have less pets when I have the baby. Me and my DH love our animals and choose to spend our time and money on them.

I love this friend to bits but it's upset me a bit being ranted at at length when I see her. I value her opinion but as I said, we have different priorities and I don't have to explain myself to her. It feels like I'm being told that I'm doing things wrong rather than just doing things differently to her. I'm not particularly looking forward to seeing her again in a couple of weeks.

Should I try and talk to her or am I just being hormonal and sensitive and should I let it go? I don't go on about the pregnancy to her as I know she's feeling a bit sensitive about it, I just want to be able to enjoy spending time together.

Sorry that's quite long and probably seems very trivial.

I'd try to talk to her about it. But I think you should be prepared for the fact that you might fall out with her - either permanently or just for a while.

She's being critical, possibly through envy at your pregnancy, which is unfair if she hasn't yet begun to TTC.

If she was honest and said she found your pg hard then you could have a real dialogue about your feelings and friendship - but somehow I doubt she will be able to make herself that vulnerable. Sounds like she needs to be right all the time.

You need to tell her that she has no right to criticise you.

You don't think they might have been TTC for a while and covering it up with all these delays and explanations, do you? Might explain her response...?

I think I will say something, but I agree she does like to be right! I think it might be easiest to point out that while I will listen to her opinions I need her to accept that we have different priorities.

She's said that they haven't started TTC and I believe that, I'm pretty sure that we're close enough that she'd have told me if they were, even if they were having trouble. She's just taking what she feels is the sensible approach to being ready to start a family.

Congratulations!

Sounds like she is TTC and it's not going well, ifyou talk please bear this in mind.

Viking we aren't as close as we used to be but I do think she'll get over her jealousy eventually. I don;t think this needs to be the end of a friendship. I can't imagine it'll be too long before she does start TTC to be honest.

I would use her own tactics and be very blunt. Tell her how happy you are to be pregnant and that last time she saw you she upset you a lot and it took you a while to get over it. Tell her if she can't be nice to you then you don't want to see her until she can be. What you have to do is to be careful to say things that, when she dwells on them, she can't argue with them and she can't repeat them to others without sounding awful.

Only do this if she starts on you.

I think she is TTC too and sounds like she is struggling with it.

No-one in RL, bar my doctors know we are TTC either and we don't talk about it and say things like we are saving, we are waiting, etc.

I can see why people think she is TTC and I can't say for sure that she's not but she's said before that her DH wanted to wait for a while, at least until the house was sorted, as does she, and she's the sort to want to do everything perfectly and be completely ready. She's explicitly said that they are waiting to TTC ad mentioned when it's likely that they will start TTC, so I'm pretty sure that's not the problem here. If they were she'd have either said that they were, or just not said anything.

I do think part of it is that she was the first to get married, first to buy a house etc and now I'm doing something first. There is definitely a competitive streak there.

It's impossible to know whether she is actually TTC or not, but either way, it's clear that she is pretty jealous of you right now. I would back off and let her make the running for a while, and accept that the friendship may cool off until such time as she 'catches up' with you by falling pregnant. It's very common for friends to drift apart when their lives are at different stages, and it doesn't mean you can't be friends again in future, but maybe it isn't going to work for now.
Enjoy your pregnancy/baby and welcome her back when she's ready, but don't put up with her pissing on your bonfire, that's uncalled for and you don't need that kind of hassle!

I think Imperial's approach is a good one.

The more I hear the more I think your friend is TTC, though. As Orangelily says, the reasons your friend has flagged up are readily accessible reasons for seeming to be waiting for the right time.

We didn't tell anyone when we were TTC either. If anyone asked we'd fob them off with vague reasons, waiting etc.

Still, she has no right to be critical of you.

True, and you might be right.

I didn't ask though. I don't think it's the sort of thing that anyone should ask. She has said that they are getting such and such done to the house at Y time then will start TTC. I also think that I know her well enough to be pretty sure that she would probably say outright if she didn't want to hear about my pregnancy because she was having trouble TTC, she's very forthright like that.