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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is mine a modern morality tale or something more private?

48 replies

LauderSyme · 05/08/2013 20:08

I would be very interested to hear what you think of my story.
I grew up not knowing who my natural father was, believing that he never knew of my existence. I went to work at 16 and worked, more or less without pause until the age of 36, when I had my son. I am a single parent and chose not to return to work but to care for my child full-time. Since June 2010 I have claimed income from combined benefits of, currently, £18,936 per annum of which £10,920 directly pays rent in Greater London. I intend to return to work full-time when my son starts school in September 2014, and to continue working until at least 2040.
Early last year I was able to write to my father and introduce myself. I asked him to meet me; he did, and we?ve had lunch together maybe ten times, twice with my son. In our first few meetings he told me that he met me as a baby and ?did wonder? if I was his, and that my mother told his then-girlfriend T, that she thought I was his daughter. T is his wife of 37 years, B and W are their adult children.
Last week I received these text messages from him, ?Perhaps it?s time for some home truths. I would be happy for you to meet my family but they do not want to meet you. Here?s a simple explanation why: both B and W are about to buy houses, they will pay a combined total of £21,500 in Stamp Duty. A good wheeze invented by the Labour Party to get the south of England to pay their constituent?s taxes for them. That?s real money paid by real people. Come back to me when you have got a job?....?Still £21,500 will keep you going for another year?....?You are not contributing and they are contributing the money that pays you the equivalent of the national average wage without the inconvenience of getting your arse out of bed in the morning. How do you expect them to see you? Get real.?
I?d like to know what you make of it, morally or otherwise. Thank you.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 05/08/2013 23:12

Are you sure his 'second family' know about you for real?

He's unbelievable. On many levels (sorry for the cliche). He has given me the impression he thinks you're some sort of gold digger Shock.

I'm stunned. Just stunned.

I hope you're ok op. :(

springytooty · 06/08/2013 08:48

You poor thing to have been subjected to this shit Sad

I imagine the 10 meetings gave you some level of hope that a relationship was blossoming - and now for it to be dashed in this appalling way - Sad . I'm so sorry OP.

Good point that you were paying for his children's education when you were working at 16.

I married into money (and divorced out of it LOL) and it was the first time I was exposed to serious money. ime people with a lot of money often assume other people are after it. They can't comprehend that anyone wouldn't be, as they are so obsessed with it themselves they assume everyone is.

Branleuse · 06/08/2013 09:05

wow, just wow. How rude :(

OverTheFieldsAndFarAway · 06/08/2013 09:30

Dear OP, I suggest responding to his txt as follows" Although I was a little taken aback by your txt, I appreciate your honesty. I now fully understand why my Mother refused to disclose your identity....she obviously did not want to be associated in any way with such a fucking twat. I am grateful to her that you played no part in my life as, judging by the attitudes of your other offspring, you are only capable of raising fuckwits. On the subject of home truths, wake up you sad bastard...the revolution is not coming!!!!!!

LeGavrOrf · 06/08/2013 09:35

Jesus Christ. What an absolute fucker.

I also grew up not knowing my father, when I was in my mid 20s I made tentative contact but he didn't want to know. So first of all sympathies for that because I know how bloody hard it is to have made that step.

His texts to you are utterly revolting. It is not his place, or anyone's to bash you about claiming benefits. What a horrible set of people. If I were you I wouldn't bloody respond (which is what they want) and just block the numbers.

I am sorry though because this must really burn.

HormonalHousewife · 06/08/2013 09:38

Honestly ?... you have lived 36 years without this man in your life

make sure the next 36 years dont have him in either.

Like others said I wouldnt be too sure he has told B & W about you. They probably dont know you exist and he wants to keep it that way for some warped reason.

You sound like a very reasonable well balanced, responsible parent. Dont take his twattish gabbelings to heart and carry on the best way you can to parent your little boy.

BangOn · 06/08/2013 09:48

Money is more important to this man than you are. That should be all you need to know.

ofmiceandmen · 06/08/2013 09:49

I'm going to go slightly against the grain here: (now...where is that fire blanket)

Yes the he's a utter twat and probably is shite at expressing himself.
BUT and a big but-

What if this is someone who pulled himself up from poverty, who despised the very idea of having to rely on 'the system'.
What if he's raised his other children with the idea of self sufficiency and to despise the very idea of 'the safety net'.

What if he feels you are a continuation of the same mindset that could have denied him contact with you? imagine you were lied to and denied contact with your DC. how would you feel. is this a vent out trying to correct what he feels as the style of parenting you received? (right or wrong).

Are we to pretend every single parent is just great and ignore the few but ever present examples of the system being abused?
That's the same as pretending all those blokes that MNetters always scream 'get a job' at don't exist.

You're now a single mother, so you know life is not as black and white as we assumed it was as kids. Don't judge this outburst as being everything your dad is/was/will become.

Engage- tell him he is wrong, tell him your red lines and whether or not he has crossed them. He must accept you for who you are and the decisions you have made, and you him.
Oddly I see this as a pre cursor to an open and honest relationship.

If he hen shows himself as being unable to accept who you are - by all means cut him off.
This is not a modern morality tale but a story of a daughter trying to reconnect with her dad (idiot or otherwise). How do you make up for years of being lied to? one day at a time.

Good luck

LEMisdisappointed · 06/08/2013 10:43

ofmiceandmen - you are so far off the mark as anyone could ever hope to be! Weren't his other children lucky to be able to have the opportunities they now have, not to rely on the "safety net" which i think you have neglected to realise that the OP has pretty much done her fair share of paying into. Having worked solidly for 20 years, she has now found hserself a single parent - err, just like her mother did when this idiot of a man abandonned her.

What has happened here is this - he has got scared and doesn't want his little boat rocked, he hasn't told his other children about their sibling, which is pretty disgusting in itself but to then write that drivel to her and make her feel like she is in some way not good enough - bollocks to that, he doesn't deserve the OP in his life and if one good thing has come out of this, she can see what a fuckwit he is and thank her lucky stars that he did leave and hasn't blighted her life as she grew up.

LeGavrOrf · 06/08/2013 10:52

What LEM said with knobs on.

bleedingheart · 06/08/2013 10:56

Wow! If this was sent by him (and not someone else being malicious) he is an utter turd.

What did he contribute to your upbringing? To write with such bile to anyone, let alone his child and then suggest you might possibly want to get in touch when you get a job? I hope you find a job you absoloutely adore when your son starts school and it pays you generously.

He is a coward and a hypocrite. Why not say this when he met with you?
Utter bastard.

RonBurgundysPanpipe · 06/08/2013 11:01

My first thoughts were the half-siblings don't know about your existence.

ofmiceandmen · 06/08/2013 11:05

LEM maybe it's just my desire to see some light at the end of the tunnel, eternal sunshine of a spotless mind Smile

I read her post slightly differently and I haven't read anywhere where she discusses her DM in any detail (normally a sign ) nor the reasoning for the split etc.
I read he was never told which is not quite the same as abandonment- or is it?
I read it as less about the benefits and more about their different outlooks on life (his from the school of f-wits), he's blunt and a knob to boot but I imagine if she had grown up with him she would just brush it off as " there goes dad on one of his morale rants" but she and he never got that chance.

Good luck OP

dufflefluffle · 06/08/2013 11:15

hmmm, i'm not 100% sure it was him that sent that text either. Can you copy it back to him asking him if he sent it before you decide what to do next

or copy and send it back to him, saying did you really send this to me and if so then goodbye and good ridence!

LEMisdisappointed · 06/08/2013 11:30

It did occur to me that maybe the motehr prevented/caused any lack of access but that is not the OP's fault is it! Also who would send that to anyone, let alone their daughter??? Sorry but continuing any form of relationship with this man is going to cause the OP nothing but heartache and she should cut her losses and focus on her own family.

ScarletWomanoftheVillage · 06/08/2013 11:36

By sending you these texts he has shown exactly what sort of a father he is. Not very fatherly is it? To talk to your long-lost, newly found daughter like that. This is not a father you need in your life, in fact it would be best if you steer well clear.

How about a reply text along these lines..."While we're exchanging home truths, your recent texts have not shown your fatherly skills in the best light. Either you have actually written this vitriolic crap, or one of your other daughters has written it, and in either case it says all I need to know about you as a man and a father. I have done fine without you in my life and I now feel that your presence would be a toxic addition. Now that I have got to know you better, I feel it would be better if we ceased contact."

Then I would write him off completely. His presence in your life is not going to enhance it.

quietlysuggests · 06/08/2013 12:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleMissSnowShine · 06/08/2013 14:45

Yeah, FWIW, I really don't think you need this man in your life or your child's life. It seems like your mum had good reason for having him keep his distance! No way of knowing whether he's even told his other kids about you, let alone whether they reacted that way. If they take after their dad, maybe they did but equally likely he just doesn't want them to know about you and for all of you to meet so he's concocting these crazy excuses why your step-siblings hate you just because you are a single mum on benefits.

You wanted to meet him and now you have. He doesn't sound like he has anything positive to contribute to your life, though, so I'd just delete his number and move on.

LauderSyme · 06/08/2013 19:31

Thank you very much to all of you who have posted messages and given advice. I told my story because I'm trying to process what happened. Your support and compassion (and swear words!) have been a tonic.

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 06/08/2013 21:13

Lauder I second checking that it was actually your father that sent this and not his wife or one of his other children. I'm not sure if I would text him, I think calling would be best if you are feeling up to it.

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. Far from being a modern morality tale, you are being subjected to extreme cowardice dressed up as benefit bashing.Sad

Liara · 06/08/2013 21:19

Wow. Just wow.

Methinks there is an ulterior motive there. Is he very wealthy? I have only seen this kind of attitude in really wealthy families, where no one does a stroke of work and everyone expects to live off daddy for the rest of their lives.

savemefromrickets · 06/08/2013 22:25

Perhaps you could - tongue in cheek - suggest that you would have been brought up better if he'd stuck around.

What a tosser. Sorry, but he is. You have brought up your child in difficult circumstances. He didn't. In that light who has the moral high ground?!!

If he couldn't be nice, he shouldn't have agreed to meet.

Hamwidgeandcheps · 06/08/2013 22:41

So do you have to prove you are good enough then?
I'm quite astonished Hmm

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