Jesus wept. Money - I give up

[Mankybandaid]

We've been living together for about 3 months. He is the higher Warner. We have one joint account (which houses both incomes and outgoings) and I have my own account from when I was single. From the beginning - we have been living in the overdraft. Constant PayPal transactions on the account as he's obsessed with the new house and constantly buys for it. Not to mention the fact that despite budgeting £20 a weekend for access weekends with his kids he spends more like £50-£60 every week. Apart from that I just don't know what he does with the money. 2 weeks ago there was only £100 left in the bank so I bought groceries etc from my own account to prevent the joint from going into the overdraft. A couple of days later the joint account was sat at £60 so I transferred £40 in to keep it above £100. Couple if days later it was down to £1.50!!! He says its just bits and bobs like petrol etc but how does he get through so much? His work is only 10 minute drive from the house! I transferred £100 in. Today the joint account stands at £6. I'm so fucking fed up. A couple if days ago we sold a sofa for £190. I paid off a credit card £150 and gave him the rest so he didn't keep dipping into the bank. A couple if days later he's taking his kids to the cinema and only has £5 in his wallet. Wtf??? Yesterday he went to do a shop. I gave him £80 rather than have him draw anything else out of bank - he spent £60. I told him to keep the £20 on him. Today I notice he spent another £30 in asda today. What on I don't know. We're now back in the overdraft because I've also ran out if money from bailing the joint account out all the time!!
If I bring it up I'm being anal/controlling/obsessive - do I just give up on it then and just save my own money? We 'll never get on a holiday that way but fucking hell the contestant watch I need to keep on the finances is so exhausting I don't know if its worth a bloody holiday!

Hmm, how did Big Spender manage before you lived together? Did he handle his own household expenses or did Bank of Mum and Dad bail him out all the time?

I rather think the more you top up the joint account the more he will spend, I wonder if it would be better to just transfer your half of the bills and keep your spare money in your own account and least that way you will have some savings to fall back on.

My Dad had a saying, he described it as being frightened to mix this weeks money up with next weeks.

I feel for you OP but once a fritterer always a fritterer.

If you have just moved in together have you any idea of what debt he is in? I'd stop the joint account immediately. Have him pay his share of bills and shared expenses into your account and then he can't fritter it away. His money then becomes his spending money and you don't have to watch it like a hawk. Crucially ensure you are not linked to him financially - i.e. his bad credit becomes yours or you find yourself in unknowing debt. If he seriously can't see why you need to do this I'm afraid that you may need to rethink the relationship.

Dear me! Cancel the joint account immediately. He will run up debt in your joint names.

It sounds as though he may be massively in debt already. The disappearing money may be servicing a number of loans, credits cards and overdrafts you know nothing about.

I'm sorry.but I would go ballistic if dp were to do this. Wtf does he think he's doing? I am usually aghast at the threads where couples have separate finances instead of household finances, but in this case, perhaps that's what needs doing. Split your finances equally after bills, and that's that. Cancel the overdraft. No access to the bills account for either of you, and he can spend what he's got til it's gone.
But, I would find it incredibly hard to respect an adult incapable of tracking their own spending, and who resorts to rather childish quips of controlling and obsessive when financial planning discussions are broached. It must feel like you're his mother to have to do this. He sounds very unattractive.

It wouldn't be so bad if he was trying but if he accuses you of being anal when you try to keep out of debt it sounds like he won't change and you will have to be his mom. Over the years that will piss you off.

Actually the more I think about it, he sounds very defensive of the whereabouts of the money- Have you thought about whether he's not in serious debt that he hasn't told you about? Not that that would excuse this, but to be so flippant with money now, suggests that he might always have been flippant, regardless of earnings - i.e. loans credit cards, anything to support his see it spend it lifestyle

Didn't you post about this chap, this issue, under a different name a few weeks back? Similar advice IIRC - separate your finances pronto, and re-consider the relationship - he won't change.

It's been 3 months, you've given it a good shot & have invested for more than he has. I think you need to live separately.

I am not saying leave him, but some couples can't live together; maybe that's you & him.

He's treating you like his mum, isn't he? He knows you will bail him out. And then he insults you when you worry... It doesn't look good.

First of all get out of that joint account. Work out a fair method of paying for bills. I think in your position I'd take control of the food bill and do one shop per week, with just a tenner or so left over for milk etc. If he takes control of food, he will overspend and ask you for the money.

Do you really love him? Do you feel he's your soulmate? Does he enhance your life?

Sounds just like my exH, even 5 years after we split he still struggles. Only difference now is that his Mum manages his money for him instead of me.

If he's the higher earner, it's unsurprising that he's also a higher spender. Spending tends to increase in line with earnings, ditto savings.

I think you sound anal about money. He's obviously trying to make sure his children have a nice time in your new house. And buying things for a new house sounds quite a normal thing to do.

I agree make the joint account just bills plus an amount for 1 main weekly shop. Put in a pro rata amount each depending on your income.

Set up a standing order each for an agreed amount into a separate savings account (with no cash card) for holidays or other big purchases.

Let him fritter the rest of his and you save a nest egg for future should you decide you cba anymore.

You posted about this before. Why aren't you taking the advice people took the time to give then?

Unless he spending using untraceable cash you do know what it is going on. Stop focussing on what is left as a balance in the account, and make yourself a spreadsheet of the actual transactions and what they were. If he paid online or by card or direct debit, the transactions will be listed. Actually, the most likely explanation of money disapearing out of the account is a whole load of direct debits you are forgetting or don't know about. That doesn't automatically mean the money is being wasted- it depends on what it's being spent on.

He does have a point, though about whose job it is to control the family finances. Is it yours, or his? Three months together is no time at all, I can see why he might not be ready to come under the microscope quite so soon.

If what really bugs you is being in debt, say so to him and ask if you can agree a plan to get out of it. If in fact, you are just worried about getting a holiday, well you are on shaky ground there as that is more of a self indulgence.

If you honestly think he can't be trusted with money and you don't share any financial goals, then the posters may have a point who say treat him as untrustworthy. But the strategy of separate accounts and let him screw up his own money only works for a short term relationship. Eventually it will come home to roost. Better try to establish the facts now, if you can.

His spending seems on the highish side, but not excessive - if I thought I could afford it and didn't have anything I'd rather spend it on, I could easily get through that amount in that period of time, particularly if I was entertaining kids. £20 seems like quite a small amount to budget for a weekends spends tbh.

The real problem seems to be priorities. Is he also set on this holiday, in which case he needs to address his spending? Or is it that he'd rather spend money on a more comfortable day to day existence? In which case you need to come to a compromise with how your joint money is spent - or separate accounts.

Separate your finances and do not bail him out. At all.

Then you won't need to complain and he won't need to accuse.

The problem here is lack of consequences for him if he spends more than he has. By bailing him out you are enabling it.

DP and I are both this type of spenders - frittering it away on bits and pieces. And then the shock when you look at your bank statement!

So we don't have a joint account. We each pay a portion of the bills, and take each other to task when they are (inevitably) a couple of days late. So if he spends £20 on beer or I spend £20 on clothes, neither of us gets annoyed - as long as the bills are paid.

Is this the same man who is abusive and insulting to your kids? Why have you thrown in your lot and that of your dcs with such a person? Is this the life you want?

Yes, it's the same man. OP keeps name changing and coming back with the same sorry tale, hoping for God Knows What.

Well she's on the wrong forum for that...

Indeed