Do I just need to chill out?

[MatchsticksForMyEyes]

Background: 9mths out of a 7yr long EA marriage (9yrs together). Ex-H was my first proper relationship. Our relationship was basically me covering all bases to make sure he didn't lose his rag with me to the extent that I'd not dare run out of groceries. He didn't really want to spend much time doing things with me and criticised me a lot.
Have just started seeing someone new, whom I met at university 11 years ago. We don't live that near each other, but have been messaging every day and have met up twice. We have a really good connection, loads of things in common. Because we knew each other already it hasn't really been like starting from scratch and he's already told me he loves me.
I am not sure how I feel yet as I am still affected by my marriage. But yesterday and recently I feel like it's me contacting him first and sometimes like I'm the one keeping the conversation going. He is less of an extravert than me. I ended up dramatically saying I was going to bed last night as he clearly didn't want to talk ( on FB messenger) and ended up in tears. He says he knows how he feels about me and having been used to doing all the chasing in previous relationships to no avail, maybe feels like he doesn't have to do that here as he knows how I feel.
So a) do I need to chill out and b) how on earth do I work out how I do feel?

Let me ge this straight: you've seen him twice in 11 years, he tells you he loves you, you get all paranoid an needy because he is not facebooking you as enthusiastically as you? Have I read this wrong? Are you for real? If so, run for the hills!!!! Please do get some counselling ASAP.

Red flags on both sides here.

I second the PP. Ditch him and get some counselling to work out your issues.

^ What they said.

It might be an idea, 9 months out of a damaging 9 year relationship, to be single for a while and figure out what YOU like and need and want in life and in relationships, rather than almost immediately trying to hitch yourself to someone else. Particularly via cyberspace. I'm all for meeting people on the internet, but this does not sound like either of you has a healthy attachment pattern.

What did he say to your FB message?

The best thing to do might be to talk to him. in person ire on the phone instead of online?

But...what do you want out of this rs?
Do you want FWB? A long term thing? Do you want him to love you or would you rather he was just keen but relaxed?

I don't think there is any rule that says how long you have to wait but it is inevitable that your first rs after a very difficult previous is going to have some bumps. As he knows about your previous he should understand if you need to talk things through and think things out a bit more and if you are uncertain of your feelings. But he cannot know if you don't tell him

However, it should not be relationship as therapy. And the bottom line is if it is not making you happy you don't have to do it. Or you can put it off for a while until you are in a better place. if he is worth it he will wait.

He says he understands why I am insecure. He is too so we are both messed up. I enjoy talking to him and have had 2 great weekends with him. We have a lot in common-we have been in touch on and off since uni and have mutual friends.
I haven't a clue what I want long term. I guess I want someone to love me, but although I want plenty of attention, the idea of a live-in relationship in the future scares me.

I was having counselling, but couldn't continue it in the school holidays and my new timetable from Sept at my school means I won't have time for it then.

Is online/email counselling an option?

I think maybe say seeing as he knows it bothers you if you feel like you are making all the effort, could he make the effort to phone you sometimes.

And just play it by ear. if it starts to stress you out consider backing off but if you are enjoying it then just enjoy it for what it is and don't over analyse.

As long as it is just him not being overly chatty, some people aren't, and does not stray into him being unreliable. e.g. not turning up or saying one thing and doing another.

I agree with some of the other comments made here; particularly what MadBusLady wrote.

There's nothing wrong with you meeting up with your old uni friend as long as you aren't being pressured into anything too serious if that's not what you're after. From what you've written, you still sound mixed up and him declaring that he loves you and that he understands why you're insecure seems a bit pushy somehow; especially when you write that he previously chased relationships to no avail (is he clingy/needy perhaps).

Anyway, just be sure for yourself that your friend is really considering your feelings and needs, rather than just taking advantage of you and trying to fulfil his own.

The best advice I got when my marriage broke up was that I needed to give it at least a year to get myself back on keel. It takes that sort of time to become a strong, emotionally secure single person. It's like getting over a severe physical illness. Then, and only then, are you ready for something else if it comes along. FWIW I found the really low time was 6-9 months after we split - I had been carried along by adrenalin till then, and that time was really hard.