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Relationships

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Original poster

Friends with benefits? does it work?

16 replies

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 14:30

This is something i am contemplating with my ex, we split up for various reasons and dont think we work as bf/gf (both have insecurities from past relationships etc) but we get on very well as friends, only problem being we are still very much attracted to each, and end up very affectionate towards each other (hugging, kissing, holding hands)when we met up, so we had a disscussion yesterday about possibly becoming friends with benefits, he said he would do it in a hearbeat, i am very sceptical and think one of us might get hurt (probably me)

He is coming for tea tonight and we are going to talk about it, i think there are lots of issues here, like still dating other people, how will one of us feel if the other gets a new partner? is it actually possible to have a friend with benefits? i dont think it is, but would appriciate your thoughts?

OP posts:

CajaDeLaMemoria · 05/08/2013 14:34

Friends with benefits can work for some people.

Friends with benefits when the friend is actually an ex? That's destined for failure.

FWB only works if there are no feelings involved. Just sex. As soon as any feelings come into it, it doesn't work anymore, and somebody gets hurt.

You've already had feelings for your ex. You've got memories and experiences and you'll always harbor some emotions towards him. So FWB would be broken right from the start, and one or both of you would get hurt.

It sounds like your ex wants the best of both worlds, and doesn't care that you are incredibly likely to be hurt by this.

cupcake78 · 05/08/2013 14:38

Fwb will get messy if with anyone you have feelings for! Even being a 'friend' first can cause issues.

It has to be a physical thing only. Avoid it with an ex as they know your emotional buttons and you split up for a reason.

Original poster

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 14:48

this is exactly what i thought, but where do we go from here? do we remain 'affectionate' friends, do we end the friendship? i think one of us is going to get hurt somewhere along the line anyway so might be better to just cut all contact now?

OP posts:

maleview70 · 05/08/2013 14:48

There will be thousands of other blokes willing to have a go at this with you!

It will never work with an ex.

Picture the scene in 3 months when he comes around and says he can't do this anymore as he has met someone else. How would you feel about that?

Original poster

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 15:03

I'm not looking for a FWB, i just find the whole situation between us confusing, i'm not sure what he wants, i told him we really should not be so affectionate with each other, he said he can't help it, it was me who brought up the subject of FWB, actually i know this is not what i want, i'm not sure what i want, i'm not sure he knows what he wants either

OP posts:

Dahlen · 05/08/2013 15:03

This would be a massive mistake IMO.

If you have insecurities over past relationships interfering with your ability to make a go of things as a full relationships, having a FWB relationship won't make those insecurities go away, it will just remove your right to talk about it and resolve it.

What sort of insecurities were at play here? If it's anything to do with infidelity and/or jealousy (especially on his part), definitely don't go there.

Do you have children? If you don't, TBH no contact would be a better option for you in my opinion.

FWIW, I think FWB relationships can work very well for some, but not for you and your ex.

Fairylea · 05/08/2013 15:11

No. Just no. Too many feelings and too much history involved. You need a clean break.

I've had a fwb and it ended in heartache for me. But then I fell in headfirst and he didn't. It sucked.

Original poster

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 15:12

nothing to do with infidelity or jealously, more to do with us both having very bad past relationships that left emotional scars

it was me who ended our relationship, and we both agree we dont want to be bf/gf anymore, so we are trying to be just friends, its not really working but i dont think either of us can walk away, its so hard to just cut all contact

OP posts:

Dahlen · 05/08/2013 15:24

Have you thought about both trying to get help to heal those emotional scars and then revisiting the idea of a relationship together?

If you have scars that have resulted in the ending of a relationship that was otherwise fine, surely this will just rear its head again in any future relationships that either one of you has. If you intend to stay single or stick with FWB/casual relationships only, that's fine, but if either one of you wants a full relationship at any time in the future...

Original poster

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 15:41

i have thought about getting help yes, but dont know where to go for help?i dont know about him, he finds it very difficult to talk about this kind of stuff and shuts himself down

we both still care about one another, are both still attracted to each other, but i think we are both so scared of getting hurt that we cant be in a relationship, yet neither of us is willing to cut all contact, i'm finding it very difficult anyway

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 15:47

I would send him a text, cancelling tonight. I'd say,

"Better if you didn't come round tonight. I'd like us to be friends in the future but for now it's better if we don't see anything of each other. If we had a FWB relationship it would get nasty if either of us started a new relationship with anyone else."

scrazy · 05/08/2013 15:49

I would say not to go into a fwb situation with an ex unless you have no residual feelings and I think you do. If you cannot make a go of it then it would be better to end things and see how you both get on. No need to cut contact but don't see each other for a while.

When did you split up? Have you given it enough time to see things clearer without the emotional fallout?

MariaLuna · 05/08/2013 15:53

This isn't FWB, this is sex with the ex.

He's your ex for a reason.

I think you should go with your feelings - i am very sceptical and think one of us might get hurt (probably me)

Original poster

FriendWithBenefits · 05/08/2013 15:59

yes i agree fwb is a no no (actually it was never a go go for me)

we split up a while back, then we didnt see each other for over a month, now we have started seeing each other again as friends, going out to lunch or to the cinema etc, im happy as friends atm, but its just the attraction thing between us...

OP posts:

scrazy · 05/08/2013 16:07

You need to give it much more time than just a month. I would say six, I know it's a long time, but then you can go to the cinema, meet for lunch etc if you still want to. Maybe a bit of space will fix it for you one way or another.

In the meantime, if you get chance then see if you can get some counselling to help with the issues of your past relationships. I've never had any but sometimes think I should have as I'm in a similar situation and hopefully coming to my senses. Or maybe it's not so unusual after all. I think people looking in can give sensible advice but it makes you feel like you don't have boundaries and/or have such low self esteem and such like when in reality, you just like someone's company, have feelings for them, but it's not working for one reason or another and that can be a problem on their part.

cupcake78 · 05/08/2013 18:22

Some people can't be just friends. I found this out the hard way.

Don't see him tonight unless your absolutely certain you can restrain yourself even if he throws everything at you so to speak.

I think if your still mutually attracted to each other, have things in common and enjoy his company then he needs avoiding! Sorry I know its now what you want but I would class him as emotionally dangerous.

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