I'm worried my marriage is over. If it is, its my fault.

[GotMyLittleLamb]

No idea how to write this, its probably going to be long.
I have been with DH for 10 years, married for 2. Have DD who is 18 months.

Our life together has been hard and for the most part he has supported me in every way. We got together at 18 and were stupidly immature, not really a relationship, just a party house. I lived in his house and he worked and supported me while I did a degree.

Moved in to our current house 6 years ago and we have basically lurched from one drama to another. My FiL died 5 years ago, 6 months after that my DM died. SiL is a drug addict, we cared for her DD for a couple of years before she moved in with MiL. Had our DD, she was born at 26 weeks and was in hospital for months and then spent many more months on oxygen and in and out of hospital. DH lost his job just after DD came out of hospital, whole different thread but very much related to stress of DD. Those are just the big drama's, there has also been bullying at work (towards me) and money issues. Issues with my DF's new partner and MiL moving out of the country with DNeice. I suffered extreme PND, anxiety and OCD after DD while I was pregnant and after DD was born, I am on medication and completed a course of CBT. All in all, it has been hard.

We made a decision about a year ago that we did not have the headspace to worry about other family members and would not be involved in drama around DF's partner and MilL.

I honestly thought we were pootling along nicely in our little family bubble, felt like I had it brilliant, DD was off oxygen and finally healthy, DH and I were OK and I was feeling more normal with mental health issues. I'm back at work FT and we made the decision that DH would be a SAHD as he lost his job and DD is still small and weak and we would prefer her to not be in nursery yet. He is a brilliant dad and has much more time for imaginative play, and we can survive easily on my higher salary.

I know I have been quick to anger recently and have been struggling with the pressure of being the sole earner. DH is now setting up a small business to contribute financially, but even if he went back to work, we wouldn't be better off as childcare costs would pretty much wipe out his wage.

So its all come out this morning that DH is not happy, he feels like everything has been about me and hes right. His dad died 9 months before my mum and once she died I expected him to support me, he barely had time to grieve for his dad. I have expected him to just stop working and fit into a full time parent role with no help or support, he goes to toddler groups and takes her to swimming lessons and he is the only male and struggles. I expect him to do all the cooking, cleaning and washing and get stupidly angry when he hasnt. Even though he is with DD all day. I cant seem to get myself out of the mindset that its his job. He told me he is treading on eggshells and cant say anything as he will get yelled at. As he was saying all this I could picture so many times where I have screamed at him for pretty much nothing. I even yelled at him this morning when he was trying to tell me how he feels. I can see after what I am doing but I cant seem to control myself. I feel like a dreadful person. I know I need counselling and have booked an appointment at the GP's but this morning he said he is going to move out. I don't even think he started the conversation with that in mind but i got angry and he said it. I hate being this angry. Im not even really angry I don't think. I think Im actually upset. I dont think i'm ever angry about what I say I am. Hes not done the washing is not something to get mad about, I see that but only once the damage has been done. And then im too fucking stubborn to stop yelling.

Help? How can I explain this, how can I save my marriage, I adore him, he is a kind and wonderful man and an amazing father. I can't loose him.

Let go of the anger, you have told us where you feel you have gone wrong and behaved badly, have you told your DH the same? Own up to the behaviour and accept it as wrong without trying to justify it. Then apologise for it, next give appreciation for all the things he does that you like and let him know how deeply you care for him. Next ask him for input of how he would like things to change and show willingness to work together on a plan to bring that change about. GL

I have tried to tell him and apologise. I need to actually change things though. I KNOW I am wrong, I just don't know how to be different. He has changed so much to accomodate me and tries to end me shouting at him before it starts. I feel like I don't know how to be normal anymore, I thought we were good, surely it shouldnt have to be pointed out to you that your behaviour is not normal.

If you're really serious about keeping your marriage going, let him go. Or rather, if he's primary carer, you move out so that he and DD are least disrupted. That shows you're serious about caring about his and DD's wellbeing and that you're taking responsibility for your behaviour. Make sure you do go back to the Dr and take up that counselling. Tell him you don't want to split but that you accept you need to change and will be doing something about it regardless of whether he chooses to continue with the relationship.Meanwhile, you are giving him the space he needs to think.

Basically, show him that you care and can be consistent in your attempt to change. Words are cheap and it will take time to rebuild trust. Accept this won't be back to normal within a couple of months. Even if you move back you have to keep it up and accept that your DH may be wary about you and sometimes distant.

FWIW, you don't sound like a horrible person and I think you've probably got yourself stuck in a negative pattern of behaviour as a result of your PND which you now need professional help to break. There's no shame in that. There is shame in recognising it and not doing anything about it other than taking it out on your husband and child though.

Good luck.

Thank you Dahlen, I can move in with my dad and think that might be a good option for a while. He is DD's primary carer and I am horrified she has heard me yelling at DH. Your post makes a lot of sense, although it is scary to take responsibility. I can't ignore this.

Not everyone's taste to be a SAHparent long term. Just wondered if at any point a discussion had occurred around roles and sharing of workload. It's quite easy to get caught up in maintaining a level of income. Although childcare can wipe-out a lot of earnings, sometimes it's still the better option to be considered as it lays down the foundations for future earning potential, whilst also brings to some more self-esteem than being a full-time carer can. That can be worth a temporary hardship - what price on happiness and fulfillment. Changing lifestyle may be enough to bring about change in yourself, as I'm gathering it was the change in circumstances and work/life balance you have had that caused you to start behaving like this. Unless that's wrong and you have always had a tendency to behave this way - I doubt that.