Guilt over separation, how do kids cope? Or not?

[lilypie40]

Hi, my husband and I are about to separate. It's been coming for a long time and despite my heavy heart and sadness at the end of my marriage, I know that it is the right thing to do. I've tried, but he isn't prepared to change, he's told me so and I haven't been happy for years. He admits our marriage is rubbish but also admits that he would live like it indefinitely as he is completely switched off to the situation. I however, can't do that. Life is too short and I don't think we're setting our children a healthy example of what a relationship should look like. We haven't been out together for years, when given the chance he says he doesn't want to. Affection / intimacy is non-existant and has been for a long time, to the point now where he never looks at me! How can you keep that up when you live with someone?!! He is completely switched off from me and has been for a long time. I've been kidding myself it will get better but I know that it won't and as painful as it will be I have to do something constructive.

We're going to have to move as we will need to run two cheaper houses. We recently moved to a new area and the children are in new schools as we wanted to give them a better life. So although they are better off and happier, they have already had to endure this big change and now we are about to up end their world. We are staying in the same area though.

I'm not naive enough to think that my kids will come through this fine as I know it's going to be so hard for them, but long term it's the best thing. My middle child is already fairly volatile with low self-esteem. My children are 11, 9 and 5. I feel utterly selfish for what is about to happen to their world, but I cannot fix this relationship with someone who has made it abundantly clear they're not interested. How do I get them through this best I can as they are my world? I wish I could make it right for them but I can't. Thanks for any advice.

Please don't beat yourself up!! You seem to be bearing the brunt of the anxiety, perhaps unnecessarily. They are in the same area, same schools presumably, so will see their dad and their schoolmates. I'd suggest that you try to keep as much stability as you can but remember that they are still developing emotionally and dealing with new experiences every day of their lives. Who knows:they may actually welcome a change of scene!

Everyone has different ways of coping with upheaval, and kids move on quickly. Good luck.

Thank you. DH attitude is that they'll get over it, but that frustrates me as I know deep down that's not how he really feels but he's gone into antagonistic and flippant mode. I shall not bite! Hard for the kids as they love the house we're in now but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about it. Thanks again

Just wanted to offer you some virtual hugs Lilypie. Well done for making the brave decision to move on from a marriage you feel is beyond repair.

I found out H has cheated last week and think I could well be following a similar path, like you I am gutted for my children so shall follow this thread with interest.

Stay strong.

I think with the amount of concern you have for them your kids will be fine!

One thing that comes to mind though - my parents divorced when I was 5 and my mum has constantly badmouthed my dad ever since, which made it difficult for me not to feel guilty about seeing him and trying to form a relationship with him (he moved far away and didn't see my brother and i much at first). So if you can be as gracious as possible about your H when your children are around it will make it so much easier for them to cope.

And don't beat yourself up feeling guilty - you are right, it will be healthier all round for you not to be living in your current situation. Hold on to the positive, confident role model that you will be for your children by saying you deserve better.

Thank you. I wouldn't dream of bad mouthing him, to be honest even when I don't think he deserves it I find mysef defending him to the children when they moan about him, they're pretty astute i.e I'll say 'Your dad doesn't mean to keep shouting (when they moan abut his continuous moaning), he's just been working very hard and he's tired, he doesn't mean it.... etc.

So bizarre my middle boy has just come up to me (not whilst on the computer!) and said 'you say I don't care about you but I do, I think you and dad should live in different houses cos you're both not happy'. I confess I did yell 'you don't care about me!' last week when constantly berating him and his brother for fighting!! Even though he's volatile he's a caring boy and I need to set him good examples, not this misery we're in now. I think my dh is giving off the couldn't care less attitude now but this will change once the deed is done but I've tried too many times and he hasn't. I just hope he then doesn't turn bitter, I think as long as we are good to the children, never bad mouth each other and keep reiterating we love them and nothing is their fault then hopefully we'll get there.

And thanks awomanscorned, you stay strong too. Am realising we can't control everything in our children's lives but we can have some control in making it the best we can..

Jarlin thank you, that's really reassuring to hear. I didn't realise there was a divorce/separation forum. Think I will head there now that I've accepted things are beyond repair!

lilypie - I have been through the same thing this year and worried terribly about what it would do to the children - dd's aged 7 and 3. We separated in Jan, told the kids in March, and I moved out of the family home mid-July - so they had a long time to adjust and for us to establish a routine of caring for them that has remained consistent (although TBH we were caring for them separately long before we separated). They have amazed me with their resilience and positivity about the whole thing - and despite there being a few inevitable tears, tantrums and emotional outbursts, then on the whole they have adapted better than I could have hoped. I have moved from a big, old, beautiful house that we had spent years renovating to a modern flat where they share a room - and the kids love it. I have taken time to point out all the fun things that are different to where they were before and they have responded really well - as long as they know they are loved then their attachment to place is nothing like as strong as ours tends to be as adults. I wont pretend its all roses all the time, but you have to focus on the fact that taking back control and responsibility for the direction of your life - being able to shape it and plan for a future rather than just chug along, is worth the upheaval. It sounds like you are ready for it. Im here if you need support.