I have name changed as there is a lot of identifiable information here.
I have a week to go until the due date of our much-wanted and planned for first baby and I feel like everything is falling apart. I feel like I wanted a baby so much I let that desire ride roughshod over any doubts.
My partner and I both work full time but are in low paid jobs. We privately rent a one bedroom flat and I am just so stressed trying to sort it out for the baby. Our landlord does not really want us to stay with a baby- he is prepared to let us but wants us out sooner rather than later. This is the cheapest rent around and we can only afford to go up a little because my wages will drop but the very idea of moving with a newborn makes me sick and anxious.
My partner and I are constantly rowing about it which I know is no good for me or the baby. He says it is stupid to be upset and stressed because I knew how things would be. I stupidly thought we might have found something else or something would have come up before now. I feel like I need his support but am just getting a hard time.
Things have escalated recently because we have been moving all the baby things in and it is cramped and messy despite our best efforts, and I know it is only going to get worse. I am ashamed and embarrassed that I am living like this. I know there are people worse off but I have had people at work for months now asking if we have decorated the nursery and joking about my partner sleeping in the spare room and I feel like a failure. I cannot bear the idea of the Midwife/Health Visitor visiting and have told my partner I do not want visitors. I realise this is unreasonable but I feel really depressed at the thought of people seeing the flat as it is.
On top of this he has not stopped drinking yet, which is a constant flashpoint for us. I feel it is not a huge sacrifice for him to stop when I am 39 weeks, and asked him weeks ago to stop. I can find alternate transport to the hospital if it is needed but do not want to turn up with a partner full of drink!
This is probably pathetic and moany and I realise there are people with more serious relationship concerns but at the minute I would love to step away from the constant atmosphere and pressure. I don't know if I want
to be with him anymore.