Next step for me and DH. Do we split???

[peppajay]

Finally after months of problems me and DH talked and we did reach some conclusions. The main problem being, - he hates his life as a dad, too much noise, stress and mess , the financial stress of only having one income is becoming to take its toll and the fact that he never has time to just sit and chill. My answers to these are: kids are kids and they love him and want to be with him unfortunately for him they are not sit in the corner and smile kids they are full on active kids who want dads attention and who do fight:sometimes a lot sometimes not as much, I am willing to work but because he cant cope with the noise and mess of the kids he can't cope with looking after them at weekends when I could work, and he never has time to chill because he is such a perfectionist so he spends hours on stupid little things that could be done in 5 mins!!!

My life is so boring because all I do is look after the kids and he is becoming more and more miserable by the day and making me more and more miserable. I put on a brave face and get on with it and never moan but I am miserable inside. He is off work this week which I am dreading because it will just be him being worn down by the kids and he will be burnt out by Tuesday.

He does suffer from severe headaches and depression brought on by the stresses of kids and money and he is having counselling to help him but all she tells him is to walk away each time he feels his head exploding which is whenever he is around us.

He admitted he would love to love in a little flat all on his own and have peace and quiet 24 hrs a day!!!

My son is currently being tested for aspergers and I think is probably what my husband has and why he finds normal life so unbearable.......So where do we go from here??

What do you want?

You sound like you are thinking about what your oh wants...does he show you he thinks about what you want too?
Do you both get time away doing something on your own to give your some head room away from the situation at home?everyone needs time to themselves,even if its an hour.
How often does your oh look after the kids alone?has he had the chance to mind them without you there and find his own style?
He might have said hed lije live alone but i think anyone would say that if its a stressful time,it doesnt mean its necessarily what he wants.What do you want?you need to think about that too.

Ooh x post

It sounds like he needs time away fron the house but this should not mean you spend even more time looking after the kids alone.Do you have any time that the kids can be at an activity or a relatives as a start just so you can have a couple talk out of the home enviroment?

Not to be 'LTB' but I'm not sure I would want to be with someone that was so obvious with his dislike of parenting. I think that's really sad. Wanting to chill more of a priority? Wouldnt you be less miserable without having to cater to his needs/emotional wellbeing?

Sorry you at so fed up

Some parents need longer amounts of time to get their heads around it,not everyone can take to being a parent as easily as others.my oh sometimes is exasperated but hes not a person who has spent a lot of time around kids so each age and stage we get to is completely foreign to him.
If you think there can be a change made then do you want to work at it?are you in love with him as a person?

How old are your DC?

You coming bk op?

He's clearly not cut out for family life. I think quite a few parents realise this once DC have arrived TBH, and I don't think that makes him a bad person. Most people have children not because of a burning desire to become a parent but because that's a cultural norm when you're in a loving, committed relationship.

However, while he may have realised this isn't for him, he can't undo it so he has to decide how he manages to live up to his responsibilities while also trying to maintain his own happiness.

Has he suggested separating? That sounds like the next step he would suggest to me. How do you feel about that? If you're upset about the idea, are you upset about the idea of losing him or more worried about how you'd cope?

If you and he decide to split over this, he needs to realise that splitting doesn't automatically mean lots of child-free time. He does not get to abdicate responsibility to you simply because he can. If you take up more of the slack practically, he needs to counter that in other ways, such as financially, so that the effect on you is fair. He also has to accept the fact that he has children and spend time with them post split. He may fare better with a little-and-often approach rather than an every-other-weekend approach.

If you don't want to split, ironically the solution may be for him to spend more time with his DC. If he doesn't like the way his children relate to him, he needs to find a different way. They will respond far better to him if they get more, positive attention. The more he pulls back from them, the harder they will try to get his attention - negatively if necessary. He could also try some parenting classes to learn better coping techniques.

Finally, there are many reasons for going back to work; not just financial ones. In your case it may be worth you going back to work and paying out for childcare, even if your household income is barely any different after childcare. It won't always be that expensive and can relieve some of the pressure off your DH psychologically, as well as helping you to feel less bored and more in control.

Kids are 7 and 5 and he has very rarely looked after both kids together as his head cant cope if he has my dad or his mate to help he can do it but he is a complete nervous wreck by the end so I tend to not go out anymore. He has been on anti depressants for depression on and off and is having counseling because the way pressure builds up in his head when he is around the children. He often looks after one child or takes one out and loves it and has no problems its the fighting and the noise that he cant cope with, with both of them. I think I still love him - but because of the way he is with the kids my feelings are definitely not as strong as they were. He says there is no problem with me he still loves me but the kids are driving him away, and he knows that the only way to rid the pressure that builds up inside is to be on his own. The financial burden of splitting up is immense because we find it a struggle now and there is no way he could afford to live on his own. His other worry is if we really did split up he couldn't have the children because he doesn't know how to cope and wouldn't know what would happen if he went into full flip out mode and was on his own with them, (it has happened twice and isn't nice!!).

Me though- Well I want a happy fun loving hubby, happy kids and a happy home. At the moment I am constantly walking on eggshells keeping the kids quiet and out of his way and making sure that nothing upsets the apple cart. If we stay together he still gets to see the children the children see him and they adore him but I just get emotionally drained.

Must just add housework wise he does most of it as I do everything child related and he loves cleaning so I don't have to keep the house up together to much as that is his domain although in the holidays he gets annoyed because it gets messy quickly!!!

This sounds awful tbh.So do you think he would be relieved to live away from the children?I hope your children havent picked up on it.How can you live your life hushiblng the kids and worrying its not tidy for him?thats not home.So if he wasnt around how much less support would you get?

There is quite a lot going here. Firstly, I don't think anyone who hasn't done it can comment on the stress that being a single wage earner puts on you - the pressure is emmense.

Secondly, i think you need to work out why the kids are fighting all the time and clamouring for attention and deal with that. Is it becasue they sense the tension for example. This seesm to be a vicious circle. They fight OH gets tense, that makes you tense and you probably both take it out on the children who then fight....

If one on one time with each child works for both of you, then divide and conquer!

The children are still quite young, they will get older quickly and life should become easier.

Is there perhaps Family therapy available that would help?

I would definitely look at getting yourself some outside work. It might not benefit financially but that wouldn't really matter.

Would it work out to have yourself and the kids out for an hour or so a week so he could have an hour or so alone? He could then do the same, take them out somewhere where the noise and activity wouldn't matter - i.e. the park where they could run about, tire themselves out and he doesn't have to deal with any mess?

The kids must still go to bed relatively early, so what happens in the evenings? Could you maybe tidy and he could clean behind you to his own standards and then the two of you could have some down time together?

Just wanted to add, he seems to want to return to his pre kids days - that isn't going to happen so you both need to find a way that works for everyone. We all have times that we'd like to just run away and be on our own, (or it that just me?) but you need to see yourselves as a team and work out something that works for you all. That may include splitting, but at this point I don't think it is inevitable.

Evenings used to be good. Kids usually in bed by 730 so we get quality time together for a good 3 hours we usually chat have dinner together, tidy up and watch tv. However the tidying up can take hours as he likes it pristine so whereas I can get the house tidy in 1/2 hr he can spend up to 2 hrs!!!! We have started to argue more though now about the family/life/money etc and whereas up until a couple of months ago I just got on with everything without moaning I have started to make my feelings a bit clearer now. I want him to be a dad and a husband who enjoys life as part of a family unit but as he finds it so hard he cant be the happy go lucky stress free dad and husband I want!!!

Sounds like it is more to do with his illness than anything else. Living with a depressive person is not easy. You need to know that that is his illness, not anything that you or the kids have done. Is his medication correct? Does it come and go and is this just the bootom of the curve and it gets better again? Have you talked to the doctor or gone with him to explain the impact that the illness is having? The OCD thing is all part of the same issue I think, just a manifestation of his need to have control of things. Sounds like he is having a mental health issue crisis or certainly approaching one.

I think it is more medical involvement that is required here rather than tinkering about the edges. It may be that being on his own may not necessarily be the best thing for him either.

It does sound like you both love each other. His self esteem sounds low and tbh so does yours. It doesn't sound easy but it does sound worth trying to save.

I don't think deep down he is a nasty person or even weak, I think it is the depression that is dragging him and your family down :(

I'm afraid I have little sympathy for your DH. If you were hit by a bus and died, what would he do? Decide he couldn't cope and put the children in care? Give them to someone else to look after?

I'd be tempted to up sticks for a week or ten days and leave him with sole charge of the kids. He is their father, he cannot decide that his need for peace trumps everything else. He needs to stop being so bloody selfish and get a grip.

You need to stop thinking how best to make him happy and think about you and want you want.

hmmm - "brought on by the stresses of kids and money " of course is easy to blame xx or yy - but someone with clinical depression will always find something to balme -when really there may not be anything...take away the kids - he will still be depressed (probably because he has lost his family, his wife has left him etc etc..) .there will always be a reason to blame when actually he needs to work with his therpaist to find his inner strength to deal with whatever the challenge is... my exp was stressed/depressed allegedly because of being with me and the kids including one disabled...when i left him he was depressed because he didnt have his kids and me...go figure..

it isnt ANY of those - if he has an illness it needs to be treated properly. it may mean taking away the things he thinks are stressors and yes living apart and working with his therapist. because for you and dc, living with someone who appears to dislike you or how you are or just being kids or cannot cope wih normal family life, it is really hard .

so you could take the strategy of leaving him to get on with it -but that might backfire and kids may suffer if he freaks out/gets more stressed/has mh breakdown etc

or take other option which is suggest he moves out lives separately in his one bed flat while he gets help/treatment and yes realises what he stands to lose.

and you and dc get to live happily noisily messily without walking on egg shells.

the cleaning control thing - yes it is something he CAN control unlike you and kids noise etc which he cannot. so he focuses on that... can you meet his therapist and discuss?

you cannot make him happy you cannot cure hi you cannot treat his depression - ony he and his therapists can do that - if he wants to.

you can give him the push he needs - yes agree with him, he needs to go live "in a little flat all on his own and have peace and quiet 24 hrs a day!!! "

lsiten to what eh is saying - my ex said somethin similar (he wanted to "go to hospital and sleep for two weeks") he wasnt listened to, i had no clue - and he had a massive MH breakdown becoming quite violent adn agressive. no saying this will happen but the IOCD stuff, what he is telling you the fact he has been diagnosed with depression - all points to potential to blow up ...

sorry typos - you need to take it seriously as he has been diagnosed with depression, maybe ask him if you can speak to someone invovled with his MH treatment; if is ocd behaviours are getting worse then do something about it - yes send him off somewhere, does he have friends/family?

they wont be kids forever. they need a childhood with happy memories not being stifled because of his issues....i used to as pp said go off take kids out to give ex his space...in the end it made no difference because he wasnt someone who knew that if you give me a break i will be fine, he couldnt self modulate.

"he knows that the only way to rid the pressure that builds up inside is to be on his own" - well fine. sit and work out how that can be achieved. daily basis, weekly basis, he lives apart? what?

because if you dont have a strategy/plan and deal with it then one day that pressure could explode horribly....

I have depression, dysthymia to be precise and it has been particularly bad recently.

I have four kids.

I am not naturally maternal, I never wanted any children but I got into an abusive relationship when I was 18 and because he was sexually abusive and raped me I have two children to him.

I married a man who wanted a child and unexpectedly conceived twins.

It has been very hard.

However, I am an absolutely excellent mother because I don't feel I am entitled to abdicate my responsibility to my children. Probably because looking after them has always been my job. I don't take it out on the children or my husband.

I suggest he is doing so not because he is depressed but because he is depressed and entitled.

My DH is like this to some extent. I find myself asking him what did he think family life would be like. Funnily enough we are pretty certain he has aspergers too.

Have no advice but reading with interest. Like you my feelings for him are being altered by this.