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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Healing after cheating

11 replies

Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 20:41

Hello everyone. Looking for support on a few of my issues. Ill try not to bang on but feeling so crsp I'm sure the dr would put me back on anti d :( don't want to so could use some wise words :)

Jan this year I found out dp was talking to 2 other women. Nothing sexual but in a overly friendly way. We were having a very touch time. Just been told at 8 weeks pregnant that our baby had no heartbeat (she's 9 months old now! Stupid nhs!!!) but we thought we'd lost her. He was talking to them about not wanting to be with me and wanting to get back at me as I'd pissed him off. He arranges to meet one but never did and the other said there was such a spark. He told her if only he was single :(

I know dp was in just as bad a place as I was and I understand why he did it but the things he said to them go round and round my head. We're getting married on march next year and I love him so much but I'm do scared this will happen again. I know he never had sex and sometimes I feel like such s joke for getting so upset, but I'm finding it so hard to get over :(

We've tried talking but now there is nothing left to say about it. How many times can he say sorry? But I can't let it go :( what's wrong with me?

We're also having probs with mil not seeing the kids and I just feel I've been under so much pressie for so long that I don't know how to get out of the hole :(
Can't afford joint counselling.
Please help x

OP posts:
Hamwidgeandcheps · 04/08/2013 20:45

I can't read and run. Going through a bad time isn't an excuse to cheat Hmm

Donnadoon · 04/08/2013 20:47

Joanne there is nothing wrong with you, I feel really sorry for you, like you deserve better in life. Is your DP still visiting his toxic mother? I know you really love him, but he needs to really love you back. Otherwise you will keep on getting hurt.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 20:49

Dp is torn over his mum. Hasn't quite got the courage to tell her whst he thinks.

I feel like such an idiot for calling it cheating but it hurt me so much. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 20:50

Just to add as dates don't add up. He was talking to them in march 2012. I found out jan 2013.

OP posts:
Donnadoon · 04/08/2013 20:55

It hurts because he betrayed you, it will take time to regain his trust. If he keeps on reassuring you and is truly sorry then you will move on eventually but that will be in your own time. Don't be so hard on yourself. I have read your threads before and the way that he will not stand up for you regarding his mother is not on !

Original poster
Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 21:04

Thanks donnadoon.

The situation with his mil is just a nightmare. I've had all of this crsp on my shoulders for 6 long months.

By a miracle, the daughter we were told was gone, is alive and well and I feel like Ivd barely been given change to enjoy her. So much stress. All I want is my happy life back.

I really think I need anti ds but can't face the side affects. And my stupid pride won't let me allow my mil to get me down. Stupid eh?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 21:11

You don't think his stupid actions were cheating ?

Reframe that, and things will become clearer

he may not have been ball-deep in another woman (yet) but the intent (and the chat, and the fantasy) was there

that is cheating, in my book

stop trying to tell yourself it wasn't

Original poster
Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 21:15

I know :(

It's wrong whichever way you look at it. Any tips for leaving the past in the past? We really have spoke about it so much there isn't any more to say.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/08/2013 21:19

I am sorry, love

I will not, and cannot, give you tips of how to move on whilst staying with him. I wouldn't tolerate such disrespect in my relationship and would never encourage others to do so.

If you have spoekn about it ad infinitum and you are still not secure and settled, then listen to your gut.

Original poster
Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 21:26

I understand Hun. X

OP posts:
mpi · 06/08/2013 17:07

i get where you are coming from...my husband has done similar things....more than once....and the position i am in now is just finding out he has probably done it again...i really believe that he is addicted to talking to women on websites and texts in a sexual manner...he gets a buzz out of it and doesnt consider it to be cheating.
we married last october and i thought it wouldnt happen again...but i think they have...he clearly loves me but gets something from doing this that he cant give up
so my advice is whatever he says .....consider if you can live with this behaviour because there is a strong chance that he cant give it up

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