Think I want to leave dh but scared.

[Muchadoaboutnuthing]

Dh and I have been together 12 years and have 2 children who are 7 and 10. Dh has always been quite controlling, he never liked me going out with friends or even going out to work as he thought I would be meeting other guys. He was violent towards me on a couple of occasions, shoving me and grabbing me by the throat etc. His family treated me awfully as well which he stood back and watched and allowed to continue for years. Anyway despite all this among other stuff I do love him and we do get on well most of the time.

I started a new job a few weeks ago through which I have made a lot of new friends and really felt my confidence increase. I started thinking a few weeks ago that I might be better off on my own than spending any more of my life with a guy that I'm actually afraid of. Last month a childhood friend (male) got in touch via FB and we have been texting etc. He lives a couple of hours away but was home (near here) last week visiting family. We met up for a drink, I didn't tell dh which I know was wrong... I said I was meeting frinds from work. He started texting after 1 am demanding I come home, he then said he was coming down to get me ( I had told him where I was going ). He came down and I met him, he was furious that I had been out so long and asked who I had been with. I told the truth at that point and he went mad, driving like a lunatic and saying he was going to drive into a wall. He told me get out of the car and he drove off. He came back today and I said I want a break. But he's so upset I feel awful and don't think I can go through with it.

To complicate matters the "friend" admitted last night he has feelings for me. I told him that although I feel the same nothing can happen while this separation is going ahead (if it does) but that I would like to stay friends for now. He said he is prepared to wait till i'm ready. I feel so confused... I do love my dh but feel so suffocated and bullied sometimes. I was only 18 when I met him and I tolerated a lot of behaviour that I now realise was totally unacceptable. I don't know what kind of advise I'm looking for, I just have no one in real life to talk to. I tried talking to my mum earlier who has managed to make the whole thing totally about her and wont stop going on about how worried she is, how she wont be able to sleep etc. Its typical behaviour ofr her and I wish I hadn't said anything.

It is really horrible to be stuck in a relationship where you are scared but I think you need to be v v careful regarding your fb 'friend'. You are very vulnerable right now and the danger is that you are secretly hoping for a knight in shining armour to come along and make it all ok. Your priority needs to be your dcs and then yourself. If any of you are in danger than you need to focus your energies in to getting safe, not having a fantasy relationship.
Use the knowledge that there are other people out there who would behave differently towards you to help you decide what YOU want for the future. No-one deserves to be in an abusive relationship and THAT should be your only motivation for making changes.

If you do decide to make the break, do it by yourself and give yourself time to build a future with your dcs. Going in to another relationship because you feel needy would be a recipe for disaster. Look at how much confidence your new job has given you. Imagine how much more confident you would feel having really taken charge of your own life. It sounds to me like it's time to prove to yourself that YOU make the choices about your life, whether that means staying or going.

If you're being abused, Womens Aid or the police should be your first port of call, not fb! Good luck. Believe in yourself. You honestly can sort this out for yourself :)

You could try to arrange some time to have a talk with DH and tell him that he frightens you. And that because of that you think you would be happier on your own.

It's a shame you didn't start dealing with this before the new 'friend' appeared on the scene to complicate things and anger your DH. But that can't be changed. Perhaps ask for a split from DH for a trial period, or something to see if he changes and if you really prefer being on your own.

I agree that the timing regarding my friend is terrible. And I did confide in him on fb because I didn't feel I could talk to anyone in real life. None of my family or friends know how things have been and I suppose that after 12 years I found someone I felt I could confide in and went for it. I don't regret telling him and I have been quite clear that there will be no relationship between us for a long time, if ever. I do have feelings for him but my priority is sorting out the mess I've made of this and ensuring my dcs are affected as little as possible.

I have spoken to dh today and explained how I feel about him. He is coming up with all the excuses he can think of as to why he behaves the way he does, he wont take any responsibility at all which I kind of expected.

I think you've got your answer then, haven't you? No matter how hard you try you can only ever be responsible for 50% of a marriage. If the other 50% is irresponsible you havent really got a marriage. You might have the appearance of one externally but really you're on your own. It's taken me 2 yrs to realise this myself (slow learner, me!) and suddenly I feel ok. Not great, but ok. I'm in the process of separating and moving on in the knowledge that actually I havent lost anything in reality at all. I've just had to say goodbye to the false hope that one day he'd be caring and supportive.

I found Lundy Bancroft's "why do they do that?"incredibly helpful. I honestly didnt realise that what stbxh was doing was abuse! As soon as I did, my mind was made up. When I catch myself having a wobble I go back to it and re-read the sections that particularly relate to him. Knowing that you're not over reacting and people really do behave in these ways is immensely empowering. My wobbles rarely last for more than one tissue now!