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Original poster

How to handle death

17 replies

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 17:50

My DHs father is very close to the end. He has been ill for many years now, but has always proved the doctors wrong when they have given him life expectancies. Now, it really does seem him time. MIL just got phone call from hospital telling her she needs to go in and his breathing is very bad.

DH is at work and had accomodation at work due to the hours and location. I have sent him and his brother an email explaining the situation. I feel I can handle it at the moment, but have no idea how to cope and be of support for DH when the time comes. He isn't a naturally emotional person. Her does talk about his emotions but I've never seen him cry.

I'm younger than my partner and have not experience death to a close relative so this is so new to me. His MIL and FIl live a long way from us, in a very rural location so she is going to struggle with arrangements and she has been very depressed trying to care for him on her own these past few years.

I'm not sure what I'm asking. I just need advice and support really.

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 04/08/2013 18:05

I'm so sorry for you all. Does your MIL have someone with her who can support her?

Who will be told the news if/when it comes - you or your husband? Will you have to tell him? Will you be able to speak to him on the phone or would you go to him?

Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 18:07

I just don't know. MIL has a mobile phone but doesn't ever uses it and probably doesn't know how to. She'd probably contact me at home and then I could tell DH. He is coming home in a few days so that makes things better. MIL has friends etc but being so rural everything is a struggle. BIL has come over from abroad to move back to uk, but is trying to find somewhere to live with his family so the timing is disasterous.

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Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 18:08

I m not sure if DH will want me around. I think he will probably just want to go for long walks so I'll let him do that alone. Situations like these make you realise you don't know your DH as well as you thought.

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LoveBeingItsABoy · 04/08/2013 18:14

I'm sorry to her about your fil.

Take the lead from your partner, just be there for him.

JennaRainbow · 04/08/2013 18:22

So sorry to hear about this. I just wanted to say one thing. My dh's best friend died a few years ago from cancer. At the time he was quite unemotional about death, but I strongly suggested he at least tell his friend how he felt about him and that he'll miss him. Men just don't usually get a chance to say things like that to other men. We both truly believe it went quite a way to help him heal when his friend eventually did go, nothing was left unsaid.

Good luck with everything x

Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 20:40

Finally managed to contact DH. he just finished work. He is going to call me. I hope he is going to go and visit FIL tomorrow. He should be able to get personal circumstance leave...? I don't think I can go too. His brother will probably be able to be there. It isn't the death, but worrying about my MIL afterwards. It's a place that is too far away for a weekend visit. She has been talking about coming to live nr us though when FIL has gone. I think having MIL living with you is a whole separate thread though.

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Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 21:13

DH being so brave. He's coming home tonight and going to go and visit his parents tomorrow. Thank you for being supportive.

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cupcake78 · 04/08/2013 22:23

My family is going through something similar at the moment. My step dad died 2 weeks ago after being very ill for sometime. It was a relief once he died but still very sad.

You can't plan how someone is going to react to death. It's different every time. I have lost a lot of people in my life from all my grandparents 2 step parents, boy friends, friends, my own baby's etc and each time has been different!

I don't know how you don't worry about the person left behind. I'm still working that one out but I do know that all you can do is take each day as it comes. Give everyone the space and support they need to grieve and don't not talk about what's happened.

I make sure I talk to my mum at the end of each day so she knows some one will call. I have got an open door agreement with her, she can come over anytime she likes or phone me when she needs to. I am making plans with her for the odd day out, nothing that can't be cancelled if shes not up for it for so she has a future focus to help pull her through. She (after my dc) is my priority especially on important anniversary days. For these I will make sure I'm available if she needs me. If she has other plans then that's fine by me.

You could offer for your mil to come and stay for a while or one of you go back to stay with her when she goes home alone. Make some plans with her and always phone her each day so she has someone to share her day with.

You can't stop it from hurting, its going to be hard but you can support her through it.

Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 04/08/2013 23:29

Yeah I think her coming to stay might be a good idea. I'll be at work, but she loves this area of the country and can go out painting ( her hobby) and doing the things she couldn't do because she was caring for FIL.

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crazykat · 05/08/2013 00:04

I'm facing similar with my mum and I'm dreading when the time comes. The only thing I can suggest is make sure your DH knows you're there for him whenever he needs you. It may sound daft in that he should know you're there, but telling him that may help if that makes sense. Let him know that if he wants to be alone its fine or if he wants to talk you'll listen.

My DH lost his uncle a few years ago, they were close, and he cried a few times even though I'd only ever seen him cry once before.

It's hard to know how anyone will react but don't underestimate how long he will grieve for. That's one of the main things I've heard from others who have lost a parent - that others who haven't experienced it don't realise that it can take years to grieve.

BadRoly · 05/08/2013 00:13

I agree with what has already been posted. Dh's stepdad and my dad died within days of each other last year.

I have found that both mothers have become very (deservedly) selfish in their grief - neither has had the strength to cope with the grief of their children. Which makes sense as they have lost the person they spent every day with. Both mothers have taken it out on their eldest daughters but as a friend explained to me, who else do they have to do it to now?!

But your dh might find this hard, so tell him you are there for him. Ask him what he wants from you. And don't be offended if what he needs isn't what you think he needs iykwim? don't forget to be kind to yourself too x

Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 05/08/2013 00:19

He's back but stressed about how to get to the hospital. 6 hour drive/ train away and getting snappy. Hard.

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cupcake78 · 05/08/2013 06:42

He will be snappy op. It's a stressful time. His mind will be on overdrive and he's probably exhausted. He is likely to get more snappy as things get nearer and afterwards. It's an impossible situation!

Do you have family/friends you can vent with and get support from while your dh goes through this?

The post about being selfish in grief is spot on. It's not done on purpose but does happen. It's a process he must go through and is probably already started.

Look up the stages of grief so you know what's coming. They can happen at any time but shock, anger, sadness, withdrawal and questioning all things in his life are going to happen.

crazykat · 05/08/2013 09:20

He will be snappy and grumpy and quite possibly hard to live with for a while. It's all part of grieving so try not to take it personally as it really isn't. It is a very stressful and emotional time.

It makes it harder IME when its been a long battle. Although it gives you time to say what you need, in some ways it's like losing them twice.

ImperialBlether · 05/08/2013 09:27

OP, your MIL may not want to live with you. I think there's a huge difference between living near family, knowing you have them near, and living with family. She's been independent all this time and it would be awful to go from that point to complete dependency. Don't forget if she does live near you that you and she will have to look at ways of gaining new friends her own age, whether that's through church or a hobby or through a social club.

Original poster

Sleepyhoglet · 05/08/2013 09:34

Thanks imperial. It was her idea. She wants for us all to buy a house together with an annexe. We said provisionally yes as wanted to give her something new to think about, but personally I think she would be better in a small bungalow near us. Then we can visit her and take her out etc.

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ToomuchIsBackOnBootcamp · 05/08/2013 09:34

It is so different for everyone. My DH lost his dad 3 months ago after he was ill for a few months. They had a chance to talk, say what they needed to say, sort arrangements, know his wishes etc. DH said it was a relief when his dad died a little earlier than expected as he didn't want him to suffer a long drawn out death. DH seemed to cope very well, did cry and talk to me a bit but seemed reasonably ok, back to work etc.

3 months on and he is having a massive wobble. Questioning everything, being short with me, mood swings, etc etc. I can understand it but yes it is quite hard to deal with sometimes (he has had v bad depression in the past which we've come through together so I am watching closely for any signs it's getting really bad).

My tips would be to make sure you have some quiet time alone with him fairly regularly to give him an opportunity to talk if needbe. We've had a couple of long walks when he has just reflected on his relationship with his dad, memories etc. don't feel scared to mention the deceased, bring them up in conversation as you did when they were alive. And yes, I think it is a long process and we may be only at the beginning really.

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