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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Think my marriage may be coming to an end

21 replies

newlifeperhaps · 04/08/2013 12:02

Title says it all really, not sure how much longer I can deal with my life (that sounds a bit dramatic I realise!) have made various previously on here and have been advised that perhaps I should consider leaving DH, am now getting to that point.

Have a bit of a screwed up childhood with no real father figure so am not entirely sure whether DH's behaviour is normal for a guy or whether he's just plain lazy and taking the piss so my list below are some of the ongoing issues we have, let me know your thoughts;

Spends most of his time on his phone - playing games apparently but does use twitter and foursquare alot
Doesn't do any housework at all (we both work full time, i work longer hours as I am self employed as well). He may put a wash on but invariably forgets he has put it on and it stays there. He does usually put the bins out and recycling (but then leaves bins outside till someone else brings them in.)
We have two children, DD is 16, DS is 9. Doesn't do anything with them, has no patience with them. DS more so (as DD now answers back). Occasionally does something with DS who then of course keeps asking for more playtime but DH then says no.
Leaves stuff everywhere - beer cans, food wrappers, had marmalade for breakfast globs of marmalade left on worktop. Eats dinner and will just leave plate etc on table. If loads dishwasher loads of stuff left on worktop he 'doesn't see'.
Doesn't do numbers - despite taking DS to him drum lessons for two years he still texts me to ask 'what time is it' (DD and I were out doing the shopping). Had a right go at me saying I should know he doesn't do numbers and why should I expect him to remember. Also fell out about something else date/time related but can't remember what it is
Says has made the bed, except when I get in and he then comes to bed (hours later) he decides he hasn't and yanks sheet across (always been last person out of bed in morning makes it)
Leaves clothes/shoes/etc on bathroom floor when showers
Don't get me started on toilet rolls
Regularly find 11 wet towels on bedroom floor. Doesn't pick them up takes new ones every day.
Sex - said didn't want to have sex as I wasn't 'nice enough to him' after a month of being sickeningly nice apparently he is 'not in the right mind set'.
Can't guarantee he will remember to feed DS if I go out (happened before) Then moans that I expected him to remember.

That will do for starters. Could you put up with this? Been married for nearly 19 years, MIL did everything for him when he was at home. We now live next door to PIL. Thank you

OP posts:
toolatetosave · 04/08/2013 12:22

It sounds like you may have just reached a point where your not willing to put up with his lazy behaviour anymore.
If you have tried talking through your issues and he hasn't bothered addressing them I would struggle to not see it as a way of him saying he doesn't care how you feel.
I'm sorry you are feeling like this and want to say your not alone with feelings of discontentment, I have just namechanged to talk about a very similar situation but read your post first.

maleview70 · 04/08/2013 13:14

If you read that back you will realise without answers on here that you need to put an end to this.

slipperySlip000 · 04/08/2013 13:32

OP have you tried to address this before? If so, how did he react? Did he appreciate the way it was making you feel? Did he try to do something about it? You sounds as though the emotional intimacy is long gone. Does your dd answer back out of teenager-ish behaviour or because she doesn't respect him that much? The asking what time re: drum lessons sounds like it might be an attempt to remind you that: just because he takes your ds, you are still the one 'responsible for it'. He is an adult FFS (hmmmmm, or is he?).

Sounds similar to my h (who I recently asked to leave). Emotionally detached, angry, resentful, opting out gradually from anything to do with kids or running of the house (we both work full time although he has a commute, I work local). Only minor differences as he could manage to change a loo roll, pick up clothes and towels.

Do you think it's beyond saving? Have you been here before, OP?

newlifeperhaps · 04/08/2013 14:24

We have tried talking through issues for years, he says he's sorry and has various reasons for behaviour - not myself at the moment, didn't see it (mess everywhere), forgot to pick it up (mess everywhere), got caught up in something else (phone usage/computer/tv/gaming etc).

DD answers back because she has no respect, she phoned me in tears earlier, on Friday she had cleaned the kitchen to within and inch of it's life with DS they made it a project, she went in and found breakfast stuff left everywhere (marmalade incident) and just doesn't understand why he can't clear up. (I was briefly out of the house photocopying something in case you think I leave children with DH all the time I don't).

I do all childcare, he will take children/collect children from places but DD always asks me to come as she said he doesn't speak to her at all in the car and if she tries to make conversation she gets one word answers.

I really don't see where we can go from here, he moans we dont' have 'nice food' (read into that beer and chocolate) but lets be honest the economic climate isn't great and we've just put DD through independent school ffs (heavy scholarship we aren't rich lol) you can't have everything in life.

I don't know if it's worth trying relate or not? Or am I flogging a dead horse?

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2013 14:53

After 19 years it's definitely worth trying Relate. Relate isn't just about getting couples to stay together, they can help you work through things whatever the outcome.

As I'm reading your descriptions I can't help but ask, "why you do stay with him?".

newlifeperhaps · 04/08/2013 14:55

Because of my screwed up childhood, my mother had three children by three different men i wanted the perfect family for my children. I wanted a stable house with two parents. And i'm just plain scared of being on my own. :( However, have just had another birthday and am thinking 'is this it for ever' plus DD has been talking of the impact on her which is making me think of the impact of DS who is only 9 and already saying things like 'why doesn't daddy play with me, why does daddy shout at me, why doesn't daddy want to be with me' heartbreaking.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/08/2013 15:11

Well, you've done your best to give them that, but it takes both of you. Perhaps it's just not working any more and it's time to try something else - counselling or separation or something else...

slipperySlip000 · 04/08/2013 16:27

I'm sorry, but if your kids are mentioning 'why Daddy is like that', you would have to question whether your family life bears any relationship to what you wanted at the outset. In which case, what do you really have to lose by taking a stand (whatever that may be, leaving, giving him an ultimatum, delving deeper into these issues)? I suggest you go to counselling to form/regain a sense of personal boundaries and work out what you think is so scary in comparison to this. You are kind of on your own already, aren't you?

newlifeperhaps · 08/08/2013 09:20

Spoke to DH and said that I wanted to try marriage counselling as we cannot carry on like this. he agreed (but did rant and say 'shall i just leave' resisted urge to say yes lol.

I am now looking at things in a different light - I don't have to put up with this crap. 11 dirty towels I found on our bedroom floor last night (all his), would this bug you?

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 08/08/2013 09:35

It would drive me absolutely crazy.
I think you should ask him to leave.
You will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders.
Your house will be tidier.
Your children will be happier.
Your husband and go and live his own filth (although, no doubt, directly to mummy who will clean up after him)
You know what you need to do.
He needs to move out so you can see what life will be like without him.
I would bet my wages that it will be a much calmer, happier place to be.
Find the strength and do it. It's impacting on your children and it's your job to protect them.
Good luck.

NandH · 08/08/2013 09:52

You've done incredibly well to have put up with this for 19years! I'd say you've reached your breaking point and I absolutely understand!

He needs to learn numbers! How on earth he gets through life without knowing time/date I do not know oh yes I do, he has you to do it all for him !!!!

Your clearly not happy, neither would I be in your situation, I think it's time you do something for youself for a change and stop living this miserable life!

Your children, I dare say would actually benefit from their parents separating, it doesn't sound like they have a particularly good relationship with him and that is down to your H!

Good luck! Put a smile on your own face for a change :) sounds like you bloody deserve it!

NandH · 08/08/2013 09:55

11 dirty towels on the bedroom floor...ermm yes that would bug me!!

shove them all in his clothes draws, that may stop him!

Cerisier · 08/08/2013 10:08

No it isn't normal, he is taking the piss big time.

Could he live next door for a month to give you a break? Perhaps then he might grow up and see how messy he is and it might make him clear up after himself. He sounds like a thoughtless teenager.

AllEyeEatIsCake · 08/08/2013 10:22

LTB. You know it.

cjel · 08/08/2013 10:55

In answer to your question, no this isn't normal husband/father behaviour. Your dd is starting to show you that it isn't. I would get counselling for yourself and tell him to move out. He can go next door and have the same contact with you without you and dcs putting up with all the bad stuff from him

clam · 08/08/2013 11:15

My dh left a soaking wet towel on MY side of the bed recently. I put it on his side (as opposed to hanging it back up) and left it there, and turned the duvet over so he had the wet patch.
Petty? Moi? Grin

cjel · 11/08/2013 16:28

How you doing?

Lizzabadger · 11/08/2013 16:33

He sounds like a complete waste of space. I'm not sure counselling would achieve anything, tbh, as it seems like he thinks you're just there for his convenience.

Lizzabadger · 11/08/2013 16:34

Couples counselling, that is.

slipperySlip000 · 11/08/2013 17:44

Yeah, newlife how are things?

formicadinosaur · 11/08/2013 19:43

Ask him to move out. Say you cannot live with his selfish ways anymore.

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