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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Rant about hoarder dh.

43 replies

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 08:47

He's a hoarder. I have no sentimental attachment to things at all.

We are in the process of decorating the nursery, I am 28 weeks pregnant we have one dd (2.5 years). So the most painful part if the process has begun, clearing out the nursery of all the hoarded crap.

Dh spent 8 hours doing it yesterday, I am not allowed to help as I'm pregnant I think this is just an excuse and he doesn't want me interfering

The trouble is he isn't so much getting rid of things as moving useless crisp to other areas of the house. So far I have found a box labelled Sept 06 cd singles and a huge box of old videos (we don't have a video player anymore) to be kept. He has been secreting other items in various already overful places.

I don't really know why I'm posting. There aren't really any solutions to this until he is willing to accept he has a problem with hoarding and willingly get some help. At the moment he is not ready to do this.

OP posts:
Bluecarrot · 04/08/2013 09:18

I'm a hoarder. It's been contained, mostly, to one room. However, like in your house, its the room that will be the nursery! I'm 18 weeks tomorrow and we need to pull all the (plyboard) walls down and have a leak fixed, then the whole thing plastered.

I wish I could let go of stuff easily. Sometimes I can- but it's starts and stops. Has anything left the house?

EBearhug · 04/08/2013 10:30

There is often an emotional aspect to hoarding. Has he ever looked into why he needs to keep things? What does he fear will happen without the things? (He may not have answers for these questions, as he may never have thought about it.) Does he understand how it makes you feel?

flyingwidow · 04/08/2013 10:33

My MIL is a hoarder, and a pretty bad one at that. The main problem is- that she doesn't think she has a problem. Her excuse it that other people have bigger houses than her (although theirs is a 3 bed semi!). She doesn't see that keeping a bag of all her 4 DCs school socks is odd.

I think you need to sit him down and be frank. Stuff needs to go. If you could carboot it would he be happier if he could see some income coming from it?

I very much feel for you, as it has taken over my FILs life too...

YoniBottsBumgina · 04/08/2013 10:41

Carboot good also as it shows someone is getting some use out of it. Hoarders struggle with throwing things away as the waste makes them feel guilty.

Of course if he hoards to the degree that he wants the stuff for himself because he worries that it might be him who wants/needs it in the future, or because somebody won't use it in the right/most efficient way that's more difficult.

This sounds totally bizarre and unrelated, but do you think he might be open to the idea of cosmic ordering at all? One of the principles of the belief surrounding it is that the universe is abundant and contains enough for all of us, if only we would let go of the things that we no longer need, knowing and trusting that the universe will provide us with what we need when we need it. It is really really woo but it might help?

foreverondiet · 04/08/2013 11:19

My DH is a hoarder. I think need to accept it but limit it. My DH now has much junk in the attic, when we move house and there isn't an attic then he will be allocated a cupboard somewhere. He'll have to prune it down to fit. Wrt to videos - I would tell him a) how much it costs to convert stuff to DVD (a lot if done professionally might just about do for wedding video!!) and b) that everything he could ever want is on you tube anyway. If he borrows the equip he can do himself and the total contents can fit onto a sd card!!!

Not much help - I am dealing with it too.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 13:38

Thanks for the replies, sorry I buggered off for ages to look after dd.

bluecarrot best of luck getting ready for the baby. No virtually nothing has left the house yet.

ebearhug he doesn't really accept he has a problem, which is odd as any suggestion that I throw something out is met with panic. I honestly think he thinks he is normal. We watched one if those hoarding program's together and because his hoarding isn't as bad as the extremes you see there he thinks he's ok.

flying tbh eBay is making it worse. He hangs onto things because "when he cleans it / fixes it / paints it someone will pay good money for it. Trouble is that he is an appalling procrastinator and never gets round to fixing and selling it.

forever sorry you have a hoarder too. Well done for keeping his hoarding confined.

Sorry for having a big moan about him. I always get annoyed with him when he goes through his hidious hoard. It takes him ages and no where near enough goes in the bin. I do need to sit down with him and have a proper chat. I'm really reluctant to cause I don't think he is ready to admit he has issues and I don't want to have a row for no reason.

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 04/08/2013 13:49

Oh this is an issue very, very dear to my heart. DH is a hoarder and always has been - as a child, he became so distressed by his parents throwing out an old broken kettle that they had to throw stuff out when he wasn't around, or pretend that they still had an item but just couldn't find it at that moment.

He is incapable of throwing anything out unless it is absolutely way beyond repair, but even then he finds that difficult. If I go to the tip it's when he's at work and if I do have a clear out I find him going through the bin bags. He is currently sorting out the garage - this garage is full to bursting point, literally. All he is doing, it would appear, is moving the shite about. Very little appears destined for the tip. Our loft is in a similar state, and his wardrobe is crammed with stuff and clothes he will never, ever use again.

I completely and utterly feel your pain OP, and like you don't want to have an argument (we've had a few over the last 20 years about it).

During typing he appeared to tell me that the garage is now nice and tidy. I asked him if he was just off to the tip, but apparently there wasn't anything much to throw out

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 13:50

Small chink of light at the end of the tunnel, he's taking the boxes of old videos to the tip. Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 13:58

sirC urgh 20 years. How do you stop him from letting the hoard spill out into other areas? Mine is a bugger for lining the corridors with random items of crap.
This really isn't sensible with a 2.5 year old and a clumsy pregnant woman in the house. I have considered faking a big fall to bring it home to him that it just isn't safe of practical to store crap like this.

For me it's the time taken to sort it out that pisses me off more than anything. I can go through a room like a dose of salts, stuff to keep neatly stored and the crap in boxes to go to the tip the next day. Dh just fannies about for the whole weekend.

It has to be said he is getting better at chucking stuff out, I just did an online test for "are you a hoarder" and answered as though I was him. He came up as normal Confused. I think the only reason he comes out as normal is because I am here keeping a lid on it.
10 years on his own would leave him living like Mr Trebus

OP posts:
comingintomyown · 04/08/2013 14:12

I am curious about this subject as I am a neat freak and actually wince when I see the word "hoard" as you all talk about it like it has a heartbeat and life of its own ! By contrast over the years I have got rid of many things I wish I hadnt in some big clear out exercises so it goes the other way too !

When you got together with your partners were there no signs and it just evolved gradually ? I couldnt live with this at all but then equally any live in partner might find my way of living stifling I suppose.

kalidanger · 04/08/2013 14:14

don't want to have a row for no reason.

There is a reason though, isn't there? An impending baby is quite a big deal :o Perhaps it's time for a confrontation to clear up any doubt that this really is a very big issue. He needs to know, and have the opportunity to accept its a problem.

SirChenjin · 04/08/2013 14:17

The thing is Kalidanger - hoarders don't see that there is a problem. There are obviously ends of the spectrum and my DH is probably at the lower end of the scale, but as far as he's concerned all we need is 'more storage and to keep things tidier' Hmm.

RustyHalo · 04/08/2013 14:32

OP, my only suggestion is to allocate 1 area that your DH can use for hoarding his stuff & anything out of this zone gets taken to the tip. What he chooses to keep in the hoarding zone will be his choice & you can then ignore it. (obv will only work if you have the space eg an attic)The whole family shouldn't be affected by his hoarding.
I'm writing this as a long term hoarder who has just been out & bought 20 black bin bags & am spending the day fannying about checking out my stash ruthlessly clearing out the crap.

Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 14:58

kali if I thought anything would change after said row I would do it in a heartbeat. The thing is he just isn't able to admit there is an issue. I think sirChenjin is right out there being a sliding scale to these things, the reality is dh could be so much worse than he currently is.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhenSheWasBadSheWasHopeful · 04/08/2013 15:02

rusty well done for starting to clear out / tidy up your hoard.

We have this system in theory, we have a large attic room that "belongs" to dh for all his treasures piles of crap he does have a bad habit of spilling out of it onto the landing. After he's sorted out the nursery I think I may have to implement a "in your room or in the tip" system. he will really not be impressed

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 04/08/2013 15:07

I have a mild horder here, I've had to get ruthless. If I was you, (and you are certain your DH isn't the sort of high level horder to melt down over this) I'd give him a deadline - anything that's in the nursery by next Sunday (so he's go every evening this week and all day Saturday next weekend) you'll be taking to the tip. None negotiable. Then he has another week to find a tidy home for it or put in the loft, or again, you'll be doing a tip run next Sunday.

LesserOfTwoWeevils · 04/08/2013 15:10

So if they think they're normal, how do hoarders account for other people, then?
How would your DH explain the fact that you don't have rooms full of Important Stuff too?
When you go to other people's houses, how does he imagine they keep their rooms and corridors clear of the piles of junk that supposedly normal people have?

Bluecarrot · 04/08/2013 15:12

Rusty- I'm having a go today too. I tried to upload some before photos but I can't get them onto my profile!

I was kidding myself that it wasn't that bad :( I've actually hit so upset I've cried ( though also pregnant so might have cried anyway Blush )

But will start another thread (I'm on a break!) instead of hijacking this one.

Katisha · 04/08/2013 15:16

Lesser they think they are better than normal in some ways. They think that normal people wantonly waste stuff by throwing it away...

Polyethyl · 04/08/2013 15:24

My mother's a hoarder. Sometimes my father and I get to the point where we just have to bin some stuff, regardless of her protests. She'll scream and rant - and we just have to weather the storm until she gets over it.

We have to use a bin she can't find - as she cheerfully fishes things out of the bin if she sees it.

Another more gentle tactic is to hide a box of her junk for 6-12 months, to see if she notices it's gone. If she realises she can't find it in that time then she gets it back, but if not then it gets binned and another load of her junk goes into hiding.

Then again some things if she only throws a storm force tantum when we bin stuff then it stays binned. If she throws a hurricane force tantrum then we fetch it back.

We've been doing this for years.

TeenAndTween · 04/08/2013 15:32

Please try to either control this either with your "in your room or at the tip" method, or by getting him to get help.

My teen DD has a friend whose emotional stability has really been damaged by a parent's hoarding. Doesn't have friends round, has nowhere sensible to do homework or hobbies, and has picked up the hoarding tendencies too, so struggles to let go of outgrown clothes etc. It breaks my heart, as they are caring parents, but cannot seem to sort the one thing that is doing so much damage to their child.

Seabright · 04/08/2013 15:32

Would he use Freegle/Freecycle? I hate taking stuff to the tip, as I had landfill from an environmental point of view.

However, if I don't want it/can't use it, then I put it on Freegle. I am happy to get rid of stuff if I know it's going to be used, not landfilled.

Viking1 · 04/08/2013 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RustyHalo · 04/08/2013 15:35

Lesser, I'm impressed by anyone who can get rid of excess stuff & not hoard. It takes a level of self control I just don't have. But I'm working on it as I think my DS is too embarrassed to bring his friends around & it's so unfair my hoarding is causing this Blush

starrystarryknut · 04/08/2013 18:05

There was a hoarding thread a few weeks ago. It was very helpful and emotional. There was a fantastic poster called CarpeVinum (I think) who really knows a lot about this stuff.

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