why do I still feel so sad?

[catkin14]

It will soon be 5 months since my exH and I split. i left him, he was constantly critical and manipulative to both me and our 3 DCs. I had enough and had lost all love and respect for him. We had been together 26 years.

We are getting divorced and today he moved all his possessions and items that we have agreed on him having out of our home that we are selling.
Although I left him he now has someone else, although he doenst know that i know and he keeps asking me if I am happy now (this is after telling me we had not had a marriage and I had done the right thing by ending it all).
When I first left him I felt free and such a huge sense of relief, but just lately I feel very sad and keep getting upset.
I dont know how to handle this phase, if that is what it is. I thought that it would be getting better by now but it seems to be getting worse.
How do I move on from this? I have great rl friends and a wonderful family and my 3 DCs are very supportive, but feel so pathetic atm.

Hiya.

You know it's alright to feel this way.... Twenty six years is a massively long time. You were differ back then. The new you hasn't even started to form yet. This is the grieving process.

Also, if he moved stuff out today, that is a big deal, and a milestone. And he has gone in other ways, because it seems that he is lying to you and pretending things are a way they actually are not. And you know it, and he is standing in your face being false.

Let it be, let the feelings be as they are. Welcome them in and give them vie. Act them out. It's alright to be sad, want to be alone and go for long walks, or cry, or miss dinner and go to bed and lie there. You'll soon pass through it if you let it have its time. It is also time to honour what was, what might have been, and what actually took place.

I never think you can think too deeply about something. Think about it for as long as you are moved to, and until you find your final answer or analysis of the situation. You deserve to make peace with things and find your answers.

And also be gentle on yourself. And amongst the rehash of the past, is there any future popping up? Any little ideas? Any feelings that the things you had not done, can now be done?

Xx

Hi OP, sorry you're feeling sad and low.

I would say 5 months isn't that long to still be feeling sad after ending a long term relationship like a marriage. You may have made the ultimate decision, but you are still adapting to being alone and this takes time (in my experience it takes a lot longer than society expects it to take).

He doesn't sound like a very happy person to be around if he is that critical - he probably needs someone there to fill the 'gap' to stop himself experiencing the feelings that being alone can trigger, hence the new relationship.

Make a deal with yourself to give yourself as much time as you need to heal. And you will heal. Sometimes we have to feel worse before we feel better, but you will feel better eventually and you will have come through it completely, rather than just putting a plaster over it all.

Thanks for those really kind replies.
I am looking forward to the future and have many small plans but still have one DC that lives with me and will do for at least another 4 years, but I just find myself looking back atm and only remembering the small good bits instead of the reality.

I suppose I was expecting too much of myself. And the divorce process itself is like being ripped apart despite my really good solicitor, which doesn't help.

26 years is a long time with the same person so 5 months in is no time really, even if you're relieved to be out of it.

The small good bits WERE a part of an overall reality IMO. That's the bit to mourn and because now you reflect on them, they seem all the more poignant don't they?

I doesn't happen in a linear way, there are all the anniversaries to get over, firsts as a single person and all that. I can remember wanting to weep in pizza express the first time me and DD went in 'alone'.

The practicalities can help move things along and as you say there are small changes you can make that help you build a new identity. Just be prepared for the emotional side to lag behind a bit.

I'm two and a half years on. Mostly it's all good. Sometimes it isn't. I don't know for sure but I'd say my ex is in a similar way even though he wanted out and has stayed with OW.

It is like a death, so you should treat yourself as you would if you were mourning.