So confused about ex (long sorry)

[Lilypad21]

Hi I am new, have been reading on mumsnet for ages but just joined.
I really need some advice re my ex as I feel so confused what I know to be right and wrong is all blurred in my mind iyswim.
I was with him for 6 years (am 21 now) and throughout that time he cheated more times than I can remember, lied to me, took my money, called other girls in front of me, told me no one else would ever love me, told me I needed to put on weight and when I did told me I needed to lose it, hit things, pushed me around, had sex with me whilst I was asleep etc etc.
He was very sex orientated and I felt as though I couldn't give him what he needed.
I know you are probably thinking I'm an idiot for staying so long but I was young and v v vulnerable as I had been abused for 6 years previously and he knew this; he did look after me and sometimes was nice to me but feel like that may be more about control than anything.
So anyway I broke up with him in a moment of strength in December 2012 and have spent every single day telling myself all the bad things so that I wouldn't think about going back.
He was contacting me very regularly at first and then suddenly stopped until last week.
I left my house to go to work and he was standing in front of my car. He had a knife and said he was going to hurt himself if I didn't get back with him. I panicked so much but (and am proud of myself) said that I wasn't going to get back with him.
I eventually left with him standing there. He was crying but I just had to get out because I was so panicky.
I feel like I have done the wrong thing and that I should have gotten back with him. He hasn't Spoken to me and I'm scared he's done something stupid.
I feel like it was my fault everything that happened as In I can find a reason for everything he did.
I know I probably sound like an idiot and cold hearted but I have so much else going on right now that I am finding it so hard to concentrate and come up with a solution.
What would u do?
Thank u in advance.

You've done exactly the right thing, you must not be threatened into going back into an abusive relationship.

You need to:

a) call the police and tell them & if he shows up again, call them immediately
b) call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (24 hour Freephone)

You've been in a horribly abusive relationship for a long time, and I think you need some support.

Can you go and stay with someone else - family member, friend - for a while?

Hi Twinklestein
Thank u so much for your reply.
I don't want to get him in trouble as feel that it's my fault I shouldn't have stayed with him so long or like I've been stringing him along.
I am caring for both of my sick parents at the moment and so it would be impossible to go anywhere else.
I just feel lost and very alone, so your reply has helped more than you know x

I'm so sorry for the situation you're in Lily, nothing about this is your fault.

You've been bullied & controlled into staying in an abusive relationship
with a very damaged person. And you're so young! All of his behaviour - all of it - is his responsibility. You've done nothing wrong & no-one will judge you for staying with him.

Please, please call Women's Aid, they're exactly what you need right now. They will understand and be able to find support for you in your local area.

If you're having to care for sick parents as well, then you can get help from social services - you're aware of that are you?

I meant to say - forget about getting him in trouble - you must protect yourself. Put yourself first.

Whatever he does is his responsibility, it's his look out.

He clearly has self esteem issues or other problems. You have moved on. DO not let him bring you down.mbe firm, just like you have been. Well done. He will eventually realise you are not interested, but do not ever let your guard down. Delete/ block on Facebook as well.

I have to go out now Lily, I've PMd you.

Please put yourself & your safety first before everything. xxx

Thank you Twinklestein and sleepyhoglet- I feel more supported than I have in years
What do women's aid do? I'm sorry if that's a stupid question.
Social services are being very unhelpful really and I'm not sure what's going on there.
Thank you for telling me I am not in the wrong
I am just trying to stop myself from harming myself as I know it is not the road I want to go down again- am trying to turn my life around so to speak and posting here was a good thing so thank you again
Am v grateful

Lily,

People can only be responsible for themselves and their children. This guy acted like a complete arsehole to you. Threatening to harm oneself, as he did, is a power play to try and make you feel guilty. He is an arse and you can do far better, you just need to take care of yourself. Woman's aid will help point you to places where you can find help to do that, everyone needs help occasionally.

I'm a bloke, by the way, and his behaviour is an embarrassment. He needs help too, but you can't help him.

Thank you Bant
I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault
I got 2 missed calls on anonymous I think it was him I hate this

What do women's aid do? I'm sorry if that's a stupid question.

Not stupid at all.

If you call their mainline, you can tell them all about the problem & they can give you the details of domestic abuse agencies in your area.

They can give you support, tell you what to do & how to stay safe. They will help to find a counsellor who is trained in domestic abuse - which I really think you need - they will be able to help you through this time of your ex trying to get back in contact. Please tell them about your self harm, it's very common in women who've been abused, and they will be able to help you with that.

There is a 'Survivors Handbook' on their website, which you download & read. Which will help you understand what is & has been going on.

Also I suggest onto the thread on this forum called Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships and talk to the women there. There are many people who have been in your situation.

At the beginning of that thread there is a list of information/books/websites on abuse - I suggest you read all of that.

Women here always recommend this book by Lundy Bancroft called:

Why Does He Do That?

You might also look at this website:

Freedom Programme

You briefly mentioned abuse in your past prior to this relationship, when you were very young.

If that was sexual abuse - then I suggest you call Rape Crisis. You can talk to the helpline about what has happened in your life. They will give you an appointment to talk to a counsellor trained in sex abuse. If you look on their website they have a whole section on sexual abuse.
Their Freephone helpline is: 0808 802 9999

What you're going through & have been in the past, is so hard, you really need to call as much help & support around you as you can now. The support is there, you need to go & ask for it.

I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault
I got 2 missed calls on anonymous I think it was him I hate this

I can only repeat: none of this is your fault. None. But feeling like it is is very common in women who've been abused, because that's what he wants you to feel.

That's why it's really important that you talk to people who understand domestic/emotional abuse.

Change your phone number today so he can't call you. I know it's inconvenient, but it's crucial.

You are doing the right thing. Please look after yourself first and before all. You were very young and he abused you. Yu are doing so well but do get all the help you can.

He managed without you before and after you. He will manage again.

As a mother, I do not like the sound of an ex waiting outside my DD's car with a knife. I would urge you to call the police and explain what happened.

As you are worried he could harm himself, they may be able to help him. You cannot help him I am afraid, other than reporting him to people who can prevent him from harming himself or you.

Well done for standing your ground.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, is your fault. You didn't string him along: he took advantage of your vulnerable position and abused you for years. Now you've broken free, and he doesn't like it one bit, and he's trying to reel you in by any means. The suicide threats are a standard trick - don't be fooled.

And yes, call the Police and Women's Aid.

Oh, and you should be very proud of yourself. It takes a very strong person to do what you've done.

Twinklestein FrequentFlyer and DistanceCall thank you so so much for all your help.
He turned up again but I called the police and they have come out and taken him in.
The police also mentioned Women's Aid and I will give them a call. I am going into the police station tomorrow. I'm not sure what it will involve and I am a bit nervous but feel very strengthened by all your kind words.
It's a bit like having a mum again! :)

No worries, you look after yourself. x

Well done for calling police.
You did the right thing.

Tell police everything that happened during your relationship. Make sure they know exactly why he needs to be kept away from you.

People split up all the time. You have friend's who have been together then split up right ? And yeh they maybe cried or got drunk but then they moved on....
They don't go kill themselves do they ?
So if he decides to it is not your fault or your responsibility.

Focus on you and your parents you do not need this man in your life.

He is an adult he is responsible for himself.m
People who threaten to harm themselves over something you might do or not do ..well usually it.s just emotional blackmail.

And if they really want to harm themselves they are ina state of mental health they will do it regardless of what you do. Either way it is not your responsibility . If he needs help for his mental health the police will refer him.

I saw him again, he is stressing me out so much!

Don't engage and call the police. If you have a friend he doesn't know it might be worth asking if you can stay on their couch for a few days.

Give yourself a break from his idiocy.

you need to keep away from him; walk away if he approaches; call police.

Well done on calling the police. I have been thinking of you. I hope WA can offer you a place in their freedom programme.

You are doing so well. I am glad that you are getting angry. Do keep your wits about and the police informed.

It is stressing now but hopefully he will soon disappear for good.