Hello everyone
I guess I'm using this as a cathartic sounding board, but if anyone can offer me any advice, I'd greatly appreciate it.
My BIL was last seen on Monday 1st July. On the 2nd, he was reported as officially missing. I started a thread, which was very supportive, trying to trace him. People shared the appeal on fb, on twitter, on car forums (his car also was missing.) I started emailing BIL's facebook friends, asking if they'd seen him.
My Mum came over on the 4th to help with childcare as I had a work kind of meeting on the 5th (am currently a SAHM, but this was an interview feedback meeting). We had originally planned to go into London on the Saturday, but this was cancelled because DH wanted to go up to his parents (who lived near BIL) and Mum also pranged her car and therefore scuppered her spending money for shopping. Mum said she'd go home on the Friday evening. I asked if she could possibly take the children, as I wanted to go with DH. She said no, as she felt that I wouldn't be welcome as I'm not family, and there could be things that DH and his parents may want to discuss without me there. DH said this was ridiculous. Anyway, so she went home. I called my parents later, to see if we could possibly drop the children at theirs in the morning, so I could go with DH. Again, no. Thus followed an argument, to which I hung up on my Dad, before I said something I regretted. After I calmed down, I sent an email apologising. No answer.
The next morning - the Saturday - DH took my car (he has an old banger to get to the station) to his parents, and I stayed at home. Later that morning, DH called to say that a body had been found in the river, and the police suspected it was BIL. I was distraught, called my parents, and they came over (an hours drive), and took me and the children back with them. DH came and got us the next day, but wanted to go straight home. Mum didn't even get out of her chair to say a word to him. We left.
The following week, DH had been going up and down to his parents. There was a post mortem. Body confirmed to be BIL, suspected suicide. An inquest has been opened. My Mum didn't call. I was calling them with updates. Later that week, the funeral arrangements had been made. I called my parents to discuss this. I had to forcibly say 'please can you have the children overnight and the day of the funeral' - no immediate 'oh darling, just say, whatever we can do, just say'. We needed to go up to near where he lived to do stuff with his house, and help DH's parents etc on the Monday, the funeral on the Tuesday. Mum said it was difficult, as both her and Dad had appointments, and could anyone else help out. No asking how DH was. Or me. She said she'd ask Dad. I emailed shortly after and said, don't worry, we'll find someone to help. Then emails came from her and Dad, saying how dare I send a hurtful email, they'd try and help if they can, who the hell do I think I am, etc etc etc. I was livid. I sent an email back saying not to worry, and also its time they started treating me like an adult and not a child, etc etc. Anyway, they agreed to help with the children. (since found out this email has been forwarded to my brothers - but I won't go into them, as they are another thread altogether. We aren't particularly close, one I don't talk to.)
We dropped them off on the Monday. Had the worst funeral ever on Tuesday. Got the children. She ignored DH. Went home.
She has said some vile things - that BIL was gay, she always thought he was, and was involved in some sex game that went wrong (I wouldn't care a hoot if he was gay or not, but he wasn't) and that BIL was nicer than DH and I married the wrong brother, etc etc. This was when he was missing. They were full of spite, I could practically hear her spit them out. I'm so hurt by this, and haven't dared tell DH. As it is, he never wants to see her again.
A psychologist friend says she is a classic narcissist. Could she be? She had a go at me when I got pregnant with DD (we weren't married). She ignored and was rude to my ILs on our wedding day. She had a go at me when I got pregnant again - I had a miscarriage, and she said it was for the best, as I wouldn't be able to cope with 2. When I got pregnant with DS shortly after, she said I was stupid. She looked after DD the day we brought him home from hospital, and she ignored him as she hated the name we chose. She was rude to me and my ILs at both the childrens christenings. I could go on..
She still hasn't called - not since BIL was officially missing.
Its my birthday next week. I'm in hospital the day after for an endometrial ablation. I feel so bloody empty and alone. Not once has my Mum asked me how I am, or how DH is coping.
Part of me thinks I should call her to smooth things over, but really - why? I'm seeing her briefly tomorrow as she has a ticket for DD, SIL, her little boy, and herself to see Dora the Explorer - not me, though, so I have to traipse about the place for 2 hours waiting for DD.
DH usually says to call my Mum - but now, he doesn't care. I don't know if I do either.
God. Sorry this is long. I'm a mess inside, but have to be strong and chirpy for everyone, especially my poor husband, who has lost his little brother, and we don't know why. Thanks for reading. Don't reply, really. Just helps getting it all down 
Am I being difficult?? Just don't know what to do.