She's just not that into me..........

[LEMisdisappointed]

So why do i bother with her? A new mum came onto the scene at DDs school last year and I really liked her. She is pretty and really great company - being with her makes me feel good about myself which is weird because i suffer from self esteem issues and she is probably the picture of everything id like to be, but the opposite of me in reality.

She has recently split with her DH and I have tried to offer her kindness, invited her out, gone out of my way to talk to her at the school gates. She does come out with our small group of mums during school times but has now dropped off the radar for the summer, refused invites to events ith the kids etc. Although been to a few that i have been on.

She has always been friendly and shared quite alot about her situation etc, i really thought she would make a good friend and we could have a laugh etc.

Our DDs don't get on particularly well but they play together if we all meet up after school.

I do get the distinct - "im not interested in being your friend" vibes from her. This is her perogative of course and i do think she is the sort of person who can pick and choose friends etc, popular, a bit of a people magnet etc, has a group of friends who are very chic and a bit of the "in crowd" I am certainly not that and don't really want to be (i dont think)

So why don't i get the fecking message and stop asking her to things? not bother to wait to walk back with her from school etc??? I am probably coming across as a bit of a loon . There was someone else before this, who i felt the same about although i did all the running she blatantly was only interested if no one else avail or wanted my DP to do work in their house etc. She actually turned out to be not a very nice person in the end, other people saw this long before me - although i sort of knew. I am starting to feel this new woman is similar - not a cunt or anything but the sort of person who would drop someoen at the drop of a hat if a better offer came along. Saying that, she doesn't encourage a friendship.

Makes me sad really, i often feel not good enough.

no she doesn't seem to need harsh comments but you do seem to need to give her harsh comments. honestly, outside in, you are being really aggro. i don't get why you accused her of being controlling or taking the piss. the whole point of the post was i don't understand my feelings here so want to explore them not get something rammed down my throat by someone with a bee in their bonnet about my tone itms.

You've created an idealised schemata of who she is,funny,attractive,charismatic
Perhaps projecting attributes you would like to possess yourself
It's looking up to the popular girl at school stuff

Reason I asked was (having muddled you up) thinking that the difference between a person that falls for a DV perp and one that doesn't is, imho, often that we don't give up on them when messages are being transmitted to us/red flags etc.

For whatever reason, this person is not going to be the wonderful friend you want her to be to you. You may never know why, but it's OK.

don't be disheartened, everything happens for a reason, and if she doesn't see what a good friend you are, then she's the mug.

back off a bit and see what happens.

scottish, yes, that is right - there are negatives, but how nice would it be for me to say, but actually she comes across as self centred and vain, is not the sort of mother i would choose to be. I think i am blinded by the schemata that you mention. I would like to be like her - i certainly wouldn't want to BE her.

Thanks hissy - thats a nice comment :)

In idealised relationship,the imbalance is minimising faults and idealising too much

aye scottish :) you are a wise woman indeed, but then i have always had a wee bit of a girly crush on you I can see faults, and im not just saying that, in this woman and they are significant ones. I think i need to learn to like MYSELF a bit more.

Nail,head,moment.its not about her,it's all about you.

oh absolutely right scottish

Is this a sort of platonic limerence? Is there such a thing? Anyone?

Thanks, Missbopeep, but I wasn't desperate to point out to you how you'd totally contradicted yourself in your post! I don't have a problem with reading It's one thing to be direct, quite another to come across quite as agressively as you are, but there you go.

Oh LEM I live near you I think and want to be your friend

Was secretly hoping this might be about me and I could say 'OH I really love you! You are so wrong!' and we'd have a big get together and be jolly good pals

Please don't worry. People do this weird stuff, it ain't your fault.

Limerance is the infatuation and elevation of feelings to heightened dysfunctional state
What op needs do,and she is reflecting.is recognise this isn't about the woman
It's about op,idealisation and idolisation

Hi LEM

I think I can understand what you mean. I have a lot of people I am friendly with but they are all linked by the fact that our kids go to the same school.

They are all really really lovely ladies and I would like to consider them friends, but I have always been a bit on the periphery of groups like that. Even at school, I was probably the only one who didn't have a best friend. I got on with everyone equally. But there were the best friend cliques and at school I wasn't ever really worried about it.

I find I am the same now, but it does bug me slightly that I don't have a BFF. I think it would be healthy for me to have a friend that I know through me, rather than through my dc, if that makes sense.

I have always felt a bit invisible, and have always wanted to be more like lots of other people. I suppose I have never felt good enough about myself.

I did click with a mum recently and would occassionally ask her if she'd like a play date for the kids with a coffee for us. I really liked her and hoped we could be good friends, but she didn't reciprocate. I think she had lots of friends already and maybe I wasn't the sort of person she'd normally mix with. Who knows. It wasn't an 'attraction'. It didn't work out and I stopped bothering once our dc finished at pre school together as it was making me feel bad about myself.

I sometimes wonder if I just don't know how to be a BFF. Maybe that's why I don't have any, if that makes sense.

Anyway, if I were you, I would probably carry on including her on group emails etc, but just stop feeling bad when she declines. If others do come along to things then great. And maybe stop making such a huge effort and see if she makes the effort with you.

I do feel for you though because it is hard.

Take care

lol rooners - thanks :) you do live near me yes

I have learnt a new word on this thread though - limerance :) off to google that one!

Okay- apologies for the harshness.

I prefer to think of it as just being blunt, but there you go.

Without being harsh then- OP we are often attracted to people we put on a pedestal for whatever reason. But we can't always be assured of their friendship just because we like them ( and maybe secretly admire them.)

Without actually being there with you, it's hard to know how you came across to this woman. But it's clear she doesn't want to be the same sort of friend to you that you'd like to be to her.

This happens all the time and it sucks, but you just need to stop over analysing it all and not take it personally. Maybe she has enough friends, maybe she doesn't feel there is any point being your friend if your DCs don't get on- who knows.

There will be other people who do want you as a friend, so don't waste your time on her.

Thankyou missbopeep - thats a nice post too! The thing is, i think she prefers trendy people to be friends with and im not that, so i don't get past the school gate. I think she is very image aware and again, im not (little point) and would choose friendships based on that. That is why i can't understand why i was so drawn to her as she actually does have a lot of qualities that i don't like - does that make ANY sense at all??

It seems to me you are trying too hard. Friendships don't usually need you to go to so much trouble, you meet somebody, you get one well your friendship builds. It has to be mutual but I don't think that it works if one of you decides to befriend the other. You can't make her like you.

As I was reading through this I sort of thought you were projecting as well and then of course Scottishmummy said the same thing. You want to be like her because you want to be stylish and pretty and popular. The thing is she doesn't have a perfect life does she? She has split from her husband, she has had to move house presumably and her DD has had to move school. With the husband and the move she has a lot on her plate. Maybe she has a family to support her or maybe her chic 'in crowd' who she has presumably known for a while, are a great support. It just maybe that she doesn't need new friends at the moment. She might also be like my DS2 who is a people magnet but he has a couple of very good friends and isn't interested in the other people. He is more into quality than quantity - perhaps she just doesn't need a lot of 'proper' close friends.

It isn't that you aren't good enough at all. It is just that this woman doesn't have the perfect 2 dimensional life you have created for her and she has worries and difficulties and perhaps have room for another friend in her life. It is no reflection on you at all. Of course on the other hand she could be a real, superior bitch who just doesn't want to know but either way, you need to let it go and stop trying so hard. Relax a bit and I am sure you will find good friends in time.

Sorry cross post - I'm going with the superior bitch theory on reading your last post LEM!

It kind of makes sense. Maybe it's her sense of aloofness and style which you envy and her ability to be choosy over her friends! Or maybe it's because she has a aura of confidence which you would like? Sometimes we are attracted to opposites even if we can see their faults.

I wouldn't get het up over it. She may dislike you or see you as not her type simply because of your hair style, choice of shoes, or something equally shallow- especially if she is trendy.

I know it can be frustrating not to have friendships returned when you reach out, but you've just got to turn it round as if it was a guy, and think ' their loss'.

thanks missbo - that makes sense

maybe you saw something in her that seemed to you the 'real' her aside from all that image, trendy, whatever stuff and sort of saw yourself as offering her a way out to a 'real' friendship that wasn't based on all that.

mumat39 - i totally blew it with a lovely lady once because i was in a rush and she stopped and asked me if i wanted to arrange a playdate and having never heard the term before (so wasn't used to the whole 'mummyworld' thing and this was early pre-school) so just looked confusedly and probably slightly suspiciously at her and said sorry i was in a rush and dashed off it turns out she is absolutely lovely and i wish i'd said yes that would be lovely but a friend was parked on double yellows and i genuinely had no clue what this woman was asking me

hope you're not her!

in fact, aside from the girl crush, that's a pretty viable explanation - that aside from all the cool, remote, popular vibes you're picking up a 'need to be saved' vibe that others don't see and trying to respond to it instinctively. but she's maybe not ready or doesn't know she's even giving it off yet.

or i could be codpsychologising my way into my own colon by this point

Hi LME I think you could be right. I have a 'friend' who is very pretty and she told me she would never be friends with someone who wasn't. it was a throw away comment but still really shocked me.
If it's any consolation she's a bit of a crap friend. I think most vain people are, so you've probably had a lucky escape!

Think scottishmummy has it bang on actually. (Don't always think that, must confess. :P)

I still think arranging things such as a book club, maybe a yoga/Pilates class would be good. Something just for you, that will also build up your own self-esteem. Sorry if wrong but I get the sense you're a SAHM? That can also play merry hell with confidence, valuable though it undoubtedly is as a job.

missbopeep, it's a tad ironic that you keep endlessly banging on about how the OP "needs" harsh commentary, because she's "refusing to take on board what people say to her". As far as I can see, she's not been personally unpleasant or aggressive to anyone - unlike you. Perhaps you should take your own advice, and reflect on your behaviour here? It is not attractive, as an outsider.