Sex in a new relationship... Help!

[awholenewworld]

Hi I've NCd for this - I don't think I've been recognised by anyone IRL, but just in case...

I was married for 14 years and my husband and I separated last year.

Since we split up I think we've both realised that the marriage was wrong in the first place and was dysfunctional in so many ways. But we had so much other stuff going on that we hadn't really realised.

So anyway, the reason for my thread is this. We had a shockingly poor sex life. We didn't really have one. We had the usual early days couldn't keep our hands off each other, but he was a virgin when we met and so brought nothing to the table himself, as it were. But he didn't really like being touched - anywhere, didn't often climax when we had sex and referred to genitals as the "horrible area" and so we couldn't ever discuss it. It started off ok because I just approached it in the way I always had done, but as time went on it happened less and less and then just stopped altogether. I know it probably sounds mad that we stayed together for so long, but sex just become something that didn't happen in the end. Before him, I had a normal sex drive - I wasn't hugely experienced but certainly wasn't scared or shy of sex. I ended up just putting it out of my mind and sex became something that I thought I'd be happy to live without forever.

So fast forward to now. I've started online dating and I'm aware that, at some point, if I go on a few dates with someone then sex will be on the cards! Yippee!!

However, I feel that at my age (39) and having been married for 14 I should be 'better' at it than I am. That I should have some tricks up my sleeve and some really good 'techniques' and I just haven't.

I've been talking to one man who seems lovely, but sex is clearly important to him (as it should be!) and I'm pretty open to trying new things and think sex should be fun, yet I am now the one who has nothing to bring to the table.

It really does feel like it's a whole new world and I'm just not really sure I know what I'm doing anymore!

I don't really know what I'm asking for really, but it's been playing on my mind for a while now and it's not really something I want to discuss in real life!

First of all, have you actually met him? You say you're talking to him; you might not want to have sex with him when you do meet him.

It's a shame that you feel under pressure to be some sort of sexual gymnast! What's this man you chat to been saying? Is he making suggestive comments re. sex? Don't forget that men who often like talking about it are often lacking in the execution of it all!

I'd say you should forget all about 'techniques' and anything along those lines. Sex is about communicating with the other person, and unless you were a virgin, which you aren't, then you'll know all the basics. What turns on one man won't work for another, so it's a bit silly thinking you have to 'bring something to the table'.

If the chemistry is right between you it should be a good starting point, and you just need to relax and go with the flow.

I'm the same age, haven't been in a 14 year marriage that was sexually unfulfilling, have put it about quite a lot (!) and I don't have any tricks up my sleeve

I think the 'secret' is to know what you like, be willing to experiment within your boundaries and to be always 100% comfortable and positive you're enjoying yourself.

Hi, no not met him yet. I'm not even thinking in terms of this particular man really, he hasn't said anything particularly suggestive. I suppose that because there's been none of it and no talk of it for years, any mention of it at all seems a bit massive! Just thinking about it generally. I've gone from thinking I'd be happy to never have it again, to thinking I'd actually quite like it!

I don't know. I just read a lot of the threads on here and there are so many people who seem so sexually confident that I just feel a bit, well inadequate!

I suppose I just don't want to come across as really inexperienced. Perhaps I'm worrying about it a bit too much!

I was married for 27 years very unsatisfactorily as far as sex was concerned. My next partner was lovely, younger than me, and he taught me a lot! He didn't mind at all that I didn't have any techniques and in fact he rather enjoyed teaching me. My current partner is very grateful to him. It's OK to say you're nervous and if he pressures you or makes you feel uncomfortable, he's obviously not the right one, so move on smartly.

Just a word of advice, OP. I think you'd do better avoiding conversations about sex with men on a dating site that you haven't met. If you do meet them and really don't want a sexual encounter with them, you'll find it really awkward when you meet them.

I've been talking to one man who seems lovely, but sex is clearly important to him (as it should be!)

What has he said to make you think this?

No, I know that Imperial . It's hard to explain. It's not that the conversation has been 'sexual' as such. It's just that there has been a couple of mentions in passing.

It's more that it's something I've been thinking about for a while, but I thought that it would never been an issue for me again, and so it wouldn't be an problem, but it's more that it's just made me think about it a bit more. And I know that it's not something I can avoid forever if I want a relationship with someone!

That's good to know Angel.

I think I've probably worded my OP really badly in that respect! bopeep. It's more the case that I think sex is probably important to most people and that my husband was probably an exception in not wanting it or wanting to talk about it! And being so negative about it when we did do it.

It's clearly important to him because it's important to most people.

I've realised that I've made it sound a bit like being lovely and sex are mutually exclusive and as though he's made lots of lewd suggestions and remarks. He hasn't.

Being good in bed isn't about techniques or tricks. It's about being enthusiastic, open, enjoying yourself, not being too shy or insecure, being upfront about when you are enjoying it etc. A virgin can be all of those things!

Actually I think there is nothing more OFF putting than someone who is obviously trying out stuff they've learnt from previous relationships!

Just go with the flow. I genuinely think everyone likes different things and different ways of having sex so the best bet is to be led by whoever you're with.

I think I would be honest OP when the time comes that you want to have sex with someone and explain to them that your ex wasn't really interested and you feel a bit nervous and out of practice but that you are a very quick learner - I don't think most men would be able to resist the challenge however, I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry, find someone you really like first, get the butterflies in the tummy and things should take care of themselves. good luck

Thanks!

I knew I could rely on you lot to talk some sense into me

Of course you're all right. I think I'd just got myself into a tizz thinking I ought to be x, y, z when actually, when you're with someone you really want to be with, it does just sort of happen, doesn't it?!

It's just been soooo long!