Mother-in-Law Unsafe Babysitter?

[TS123]

I am planning to return to work in a few months and leave my now 6 month old son with my MIL. My concern is that she demonstrates questionable judgement regarding child safety issues. These are the things that have led to my concerns:

1. She leaves him to sit up on his own on hard surfaces without "spotting" him. He is just learning to sit up. Not suprisingly, he has fallen backward and hit his head. Her comment when this happened was " this isn't the first time these things will happen"@!@ (that was preventable-- so what is she saying?)
2. She wants to use a crib and a highchair that belonged to my husband as a baby! These things would never meet current safety standards. She then says modern highchairs are so big and ugly -- as though looks are more important than safety.
3. She has brought him to the park and pushed him in the bucket swing. I don't think he is old enough to be in those swings but what concerned me the most was her comment that "he likes to be pushed hard in the swing".
4. She has commented that she doesn't think a safety gate is necessary at the bottom of the stairs at her house because "the stairs go up, not down" -- whatever that means! As though a child cannot get hurt going up the stairs as well as down. All these things have led me to question whether she will be a safe caregiver for my son. Am I being paranoid and overprotective? What should I do?

I personal would'nt leave him with her, would a childminder be an option, child tax credits normally help towards the cost?

Hmm, I do understand her attitude a bit. What worries me more is, it doesn't sound like you two actually see eye-to-eye on things. Have you expressed your concerns to her? What did she say?

Why would you leave your child with someone you don't trust?

You won't change her. How is she about car seats?

are you working full time?

hmmm. Well this is a tricky one.
obviously you need to be completely happy with the care yourchild is receiving, and you're not. That is clearly a problem.
However, I think you need to guard against the idea that perfect safety is the only criteria for judging the care your child receives. Of course you wouldn't leave him somewhere unsafe, but to be perfectly honest the examples you give do not strike me as all that terrible.
I have a seven month old and I don't "spot" her - a little tumble onto the floor from a sitting position will happen and I don't think is particularly a big deal. Though I do add cushions, most of the time.
Using a crib and highchair notmeeting current H&S standards - well I think tha is not a huge issue either, unless they are particuarly unsafe for specific reasons - e.g. splinters, no harness or whatever. Again dd1 is in a pretty ancient highchair (passed through many families...) and generally sleeps anywhere and everywhere.
I push dd2 in the bucket swing, and I have never had a safety gate for the bottom of the stairs either - there is a school of thought which says that children can benefit from being taught to deal with stairs.
I am not saying my view of safety is right, but I am just trying to say that there is not one right way and one wrong way.
I wonder if - putting this as delicately as I can - the issues to do with safety are an extension of mixed/negative feelings you have about leaving your baby with your MIL or indeed anyone? I think it is important if this arrangement to succeed that you have confidence in her abilibities - she is an experienced mother after all - and that you don't insult her by questioning her judgement about things, calling her way of caring old fashioned for example. On the other side - it is important that she respects your views and follows your guidance. But she is not a nanny or a childminder and you can't realistically expect to control her care giving in detail.
The other thing to take into account is this - life with you MIL may not b as perfectly safe as it would be at a nursery or childminder BUT you should also throw into the equation the benefits of care given by a grandparent. As well as practical aspects (care at times of illness, flexibility at pick up, adding extra siblings later for example) there is the very real (IMHO) benefit of your child being cared for by someone who loves him, who will always love him and with whom he will have an ongoing, long term relationship. FRankly, I would give my right tit to have my children looked after by a relative. I mean no disrespect to the care provided by CM's/nannies btw - but the reality is that a grandparent will - except in very rare circumstances - have a closer and longer bond with a child than a minder/nanny/nursery worker can have.
And that, for me, would be worth the occasional bonk on the head . but that's my view - as I said you need to be happy with it otherwise you will worry and there will only be conflict ahead.

my MIL looks after my son part time, she's great with him and he loves her, she can get on my nerves, but as long as sons happy im happy!

Are there other things you're worried about, because, in the grand scheme of things, the things you list aren't all that appalling, as harpsi says.

When you say "hard surfaces" do you mean concrete or similar, or carpet?

How is she in general with him? Does she seem uncaring, or is she loving? How is your relationship with her?

Very wise words from HC imo.

I just wouldn't leave my child with someone who didn't appear to want to mollify me tbh. It's a very tricky balancing act, this "MIL or Mother looking after grandchild" thing, because it may exacerbate any differences that are already there. But if she's not even prepared to entertain your reservations and go some way to allaying your fears, then i'd say she's not really a suitable person to look after your child. I have a friend who looks after her grandchild, and she thinks his mother is nuts - for example she has to wake the child up at a certain time to give him a drink or something, but although she thinks it's bonkers, she does it anyway because she's aware that if she's looking after her grandchild, she has to do it the mother's way. Any grandparent who doesn't at least try and take that view, is more of a problem than they're worth imo.

Also agree with all HC's points about the benefit of being looked after by Granny. It's just that if you're not broadly happy with it, it won't work. And it can only work if there's a bottom line which you absolutely trust her to keep to.

Think HC has made some excellent points. I also wonder whether the issue is more because it’s your mil who will be looking after your ds. If it was your mother, would you still feel the same? Re the fact she’s using old crib/high chair, as HC said, as long as they aren’t covered with splinters and have no harnass etc they realistically will be ok. Also, it’s worth bearing in mind that things change as your child gets older. When we first went to stay with my Pils DS was 7 months old, and Mil triumphantly rang me two days before we went there to tell me that she’d bought a second-hand high chair from a client of hers. When we arrived it transpired that the highchair had no harnass at all so was completely unsuitable. We rang some friends who lived nearby and asked if we could borrow their highchair which they no longer used. My Pils (fil especially) were very put out but I wasn’t prepared to compromise my DS’ safety as he was so young. But as he got older he used the highchair they had bought as he could sit up more easily etc and as long as one of us stayed by him to make sure he didn’t squirm out he was fine. I guess what I’m trying to say is that what you may consider to be wrong now might not appear so terrible 3/6/12 months down the line. But I do think there has to be a balance. I think you and your mil should sit down and talk about what you want from this arrangement and by the same token she should be able to tell you what she will do that might be slightly different from the way you might do things. Imo it’s unlikely you will come to an arrangement where she does 100% of the things you ask but it is possible to reach a compromise. It’s important to remember that she raised your DH, and as you are with your DH it’s likely she’s not done too bad a job. But you both need to be happy, and she has to be open to doing things your way as much as you should be open to her way of doing things, as long as they don’t put your child in grave danger or she’s planning to feed him on chocolate for breakfast lunch and dinner.

Thanks so much for all the comments. I've spent some time considering them and I have to admit that my feelings for my MIL in general her possessiveness of my son, her tendency to be manipulative and her overintrusiveness in our lives since the birth of my son have made me begrudge her and likely to overestimate the "dangers" of leaving him with her. I don't have an open relationship with her. I find her difficult to pin down and really have a discussion with. She never asks me how I am coping as a new mom or how she can help. Instead she makes assumptions about me and my life and tells me how it is. These are clearly bigger picture issues that are not going to get resolved in the next few months. I will work on expressing my feelings to her and trying to establish better communication in a diplomatic and constructive manner.

If it helps you, I wouldn't have left ds at that age with my MIL, but now he is a 3 year old who can "tell her how it is" straight back at her we are just planning to let him stay overnight. It's a big deal because he has allergies, and there have been previous threads where I listed all the odd thing PILs have done so that people would agree with me and I didn't have to let her look after him.

But MIL in particular has done a lot of asking questions in the last 12 months and has spent time getting to know ds in his own right. I now trust her to look after him overnight. I never thought I would.

So I'd get yourself some paid childcare while you work, and gradually let MIL take more responsibility.

i dont think you should leave your child with her.

not becasue i feel he will be unssafe, i dont think you have said anything that screams neglect at all...just different trains of thought.
I mean your hubby is alive isnt he?? has he had any ireprable (sp) damage casued by his time in your MIL's care?

but whilst you have such very different opinions about what is acceptable it will never work and you will just end up getting very upset and will just row.
your MIL doesnt see that she is putting your child at harm and i think she owuld be absolutly devestated to know you thought she would be unable to keep your child safe.
she loves him just as mush as you, why would she allow anything to happen if she could prevent it?

so no, dont leave LO with your MIL but i would also say that unless youlighten up a bit you will never find a carer who you will be happy with!

lots of good advice here

it's VERY hard doing all this (leaving baby) for the first time - and with the first baby

The second one you will leave with the gas man given half a chance!

I agree with HC. My MIL insisted on ds1 sleeping in dh's old cot (new mattress) which horrified me at the time because it was so rickety, but by the time ds2 went in it I didn;t bat an eyelid (ds3 has never been to MIL's- they're a long journey away- but slept in the the overcab bed of a campervan at 8 months so I wouldn;t worry about dh;s old cot). I realise now that she was just being senitimental about the old stuff. (I;ll be horrifying my DIL's by forcing my grandchildren into ds3's amby hammock). I'd check the highchair for a hrness- it'll probably be a lot safer anyway that 1/2 things provided by cafes and restaurants.

If you really can't bear the thought of her looking after him then make alternative arrangements- but grandmothers can be an absolute gift in terms of going the extra mile (I have 2 wonderful childminders that I use, and an excellent nursery, but I always have to be on time- whereas grannies don't mind if you're a bit late etc etc)

I don't think you even need a second child to be replaxed - I think it's just something that happens as your child gets older and you realise that you didn't harm them. And the longer you go on 24/7 parent alert, the more likely you are to compromise to get a little time off!

im i a real quandry (sp) with my mil at the mo. She has looked after my kids on a pt basis for years and lately picks up my younger son (4) mon and tues.

The problem i have is that she is now getting older (80 this year omg!) and i don't know if it is all getting too much for her now. she is a very young 79, but has a really bad cough at the moment, which i am really worried about.

i really dont know what to do for the best at the moment. sorry to jump onto this thread with this but my dp will probably read it and get annoyed, he thinks it is the only thing keeping her active and out an about. advice appreciated.

well we used a crib that DH had as a baby and that was fine for all my three, HOWEVER the sitting one worried me somewhat.

My MIL isn't allowed to babysit either, she has been know to disable the alarm that prevents access to the pond, and even allow them out there alone. Some aren't up to it, sad but true. Your instincts are best.