OK so tell me what my purpose in life is? Mid-life Crisis

[WotchOotErAPolis]

I'm now at a stage in my life were I genuinely don't know why I am on this planet. Bullet-points:

• I'm turning 50 in November
• my children are all pretty independent [one going to college, others school-age and surfing the internet all day long]
• no-one listens to me when I ask eg the kids to come off their f'g computers - takes half a day of nagging to get them to do as I ask
• I have no job
• I can't get a job as I've been a f-t Mum for so long, there's a recession on and always more people ahead of me in the job queue
• a mysterious set of circumstances:

: posted a 'starting a dog-walking business' post on fb, right after posting a 'this is what my own dog looks like after being rescued from a drain' photo : sent out a newsletter from my typography business with my best idea yet and my ex-director will have seen it [don't even ask how that happened] when she really shouldn't, thus compromising the business

• my typography business is in real ££ trouble that there is no way out of
• my husband is in a new job after 18 months out of work, [driving me nuts at home and getting my/our business into its current ££ mess in the process]
• he is working from home much of the time, meaning I can't do noisy housework, he's watching over my shoulder every time I email or design something so I can't get on with trying to get our business to work
• no-one eats what I cook; or wants what's in the fridge / larder
• I can't actually do anything right and get criticised for anything I try to do to save the family money - always goes wrong somehow anyway.
• I am now effectively phone-less as I tried to transfer my contract, got screwed and am now having to wait for the phone companies to sort out the mess I made
• been trying to learn guitar but can't as I'm not very talented that way and am always being told not to practise cos DH needs quiet to work; children need attention / taxi
• we are selling our flat but even that has been screwed up and we won't see any money until at least October, by which time we will have run out of ££

What IS the point of ME and my life? I feel as if I don't contribute to the family any more, I am not actually achieving anything and the next 20-odd years just seem such a mess of debt criticism and tension. At least DH is working but is on almost 50% of his previous job's salary

I just want to sit down, say nothing [in case I say the wrong thing] and do nothing [in case I get it wrong again]. I'm too scared to move right now and don't support DH the way I should as he's the worst for criticising whatever I do. and I'm finding it hard to love him any more

What next?

You've lost confidence, ducky. The phone and flat will be sorted. Review your business ideas dispassionately - you have too many of them, and you are falling into the trap of not pursuing the ideas pragmatically. Take one idea, pursue it to the max, and don't start another until the first is working and able to run itself. Make the kids cook in turn for the family and ensure they cook what they want to eat (only one rule - no junk food - so for eg pizza is okay only if they cook it from scratch, including the dough and the base).

Do something out of the home. Everything you have described is home centred. Get out of the home. Meet new folk. Start playing bridge for instance.

I've been in mid life crisis mode for ages. No easy answer. But you sound depressed so maybe counselling?
It comes across that your h isn't nice to you and if so that will have sapped the life out of you. Perhaps it's time to look at what you really want from the next few decades? And who you want to share them with, if anyone

I can't tell you what your purpose in life is but may be you will feel better if you get out of the house and do something. Few suggestions:
Helping a child to read at the local primary;
Doing a morning at the charity shop;
Helping a charity with their comms _ I'm sure there must be many that would love someone with your experience.

You might want to read, The second half of your life by Jill Shaw Ruddock, if the super photo of the author does not put you off.

A few ideas I guess - I have done voluntary work off and on whilst the children are at school. Can't do that now as they're on school hols and I need ££ not more volunteering.

Ebay, car boot sales, okay, won't raise much, but will declutter your house and your mind. See your bank, whoever is servicing your debt and work out a plan. Stop paying for the broadband connection, dcs can go out and eran some money for that, rather than sitting around on it all day.

Rota of housework, second the cooking idea, also suggest a space of your own to work.

CBT is good for thinking about what is important to you, rather than just responding to events.

Well, ebay is probably the easiest place to start. Try the library for how to set up ebay businesses books. Perhaps you can get stuff from Oxfam shops which will sell on at a small profit. You don't need to make much money, just not lose it.

You need to get out more. Join walking groups? Craft groups? Reading groups? And having no phone is a great asset imo as no DCs or DH can contact you to ask for a lift/ what's for tea.

Take more time with your appearance. Make sure hair is clean, make up on.

I would get v annoyed with ungrateful teenagers when I had them. I already did all the crap housework, cooking so had no problem hitting the roof at incessant requests for lifts etc

You are much more likely to find work via friends and acquaintances than through job seeking. Do you have a dog walking business? Sounds a good start.

Can you blank out the idle/ complaining DCs and DH and concentrate on what you want to do. Whatever that is. It's very hard ime to find what you really want to do, an exciting and fulfilling hobby, a skill you can develop, but you need to at least try different things to start moving towards it.

Hi Wotch. I remember your earlier thread: because I felt you were having a very, very raw deal from your family, but you were taking it on and making it your own 'fault' for having a mid life crisis.

This is definitely not a mid life crisis, or not only that.

This speaks volumes:
I just want to sit down, say nothing [in case I say the wrong thing] and do nothing [in case I get it wrong again]. I'm too scared to move right now and don't support DH the way I should as he's the worst for criticising whatever I do. and I'm finding it hard to love him any more

You are being made wrong all the time in your own home. You cannot win at any point. This alone will make you feel despondent.

You really don't need ideas on how to cope with life and your family as it stands. You need support to deal with the real problem, which is disrespect and control from your husband, and more disrespect from your children. Can you access some free counselling at your GPs? This might give you the space you need to think about what's really going on, and what to do next.

When you can, please have another look at Cogito's post on your earlier thread - she offered some very good advice.

Take heart - you can make changes- even though you might feel stuck right now

Another thing.
I can't tell you how big a boost to your confidence you will get, just by removing yourself from people who undermine you, and getting out amongst people who can appreciate what they see.

If you have any freelance office space near where you are, maybe you could spend an hour or two there instead of at home with Mr Critical looking over your shoulder? Or maybe at a cafe with your laptop. Anything to get you out.

i know how you feel, i could do with earning some ££ but am very limited in experience. also my get up and go has got up and gone :(
at least your 'h' is working mine is retired

With DH being the way he is, he'd want to know why I felt the need to go to a cafe!

I would like to write a novel, and have a plot in mind, but I've had to set up a private area on my computer at home, so no-one else can see it! Can't actually work on it much at home, as he's literally behind me all the time.

I've been trying to learn guitar for 2 years, but somehow always pick the 'wrong time' to practise!

Yesterday he spent literally all day in front of the TV. Calculate it yourself - 10:30 - 02:00 the following morning.

He did actually up 4x - once to have lunch, twice to do a quick bbq for dinner, third time to go up to the loo [!]; fourth time to come and rescue me as I'd been out running but took a nasty tumble. Ironically, I spent the run, up until the time I fell, wondering why he didn't take the boys out on their bikes, now that they're all fixed up [including one that our (male) music teacher fixed, cos DH had never got round to it! You'd honestly think that the bruising to his male ego might make him sit up and pay attention, but not even that].

Reading that back why the f do I actually tolerate this?!

Why does your DH watch you over your shoulder the whole time? Why does he alternate between (a) being so precious about his work that you can't Hoover or practice guitar, and (b) watching telly for hours at a stretch, so doing no work at all?

Sounds as if you are both pretty depressed and he is taking it out on you.

If your business really has had its chips, wind it up and get some advice about writing off the debt. I agree with those who say that picking one thing and concentrating on it would be a good idea.

As a fellow 50 something can I mention the dreaded peri menopause that hits our mental health long before we notice it creeping up physically (or being any damn use at all reducing periods). It may contribute to why you feel so bad, and conversely a little HRT might be a help. Do go to see your GP and talk all these things through.