Unfaithful dad

[Stormont03]

I have just discovered my dad has been having a long term affair. My parents live abroad as I do although not in the same place. I am visiting them, borrowed dad's IPad and made this discovery. His mistress lives in England and it appears to be a phone/email relationship with rare meetings. Just horrified and distraught for my faithful, devoted mum. Dad knows I know and has promised to end it and devote himself to mum. They are due to retire next year and i had been so happy for them to be beginning this new chapter together. Our geographical spread makes this even more difficult as I am unable to support mum in person due to having small children. Also afraid for dad to be alone in his old age as no other family and mum comes first for me now. Leaving tomorrow and despairing what to do. Anyone been in a similar situation?

Similar situation, yes. You seem to be judging just your dad. An easy mistake to make, but if he is not getting understanding at home, he may not be the only one to blame.

Homme - he IS the only one to blame! There may be issues within their marriage, but HE is the one responsible for his choice to look outside the marriage rather than within it!

holy crap. my wife doesn't understand me.

really?

if someone isn't happy at home, they should open their mouth and say so. Discuss it. If the other person isn't willing to work with them then they have choices. You can stay, or go. Accept your lot or move on.

my wife doesn't understand me isn't a reason for leaping ball deep into some other woman it's an excuse and a piss poor one at that.

He is the only one responsible for the choice he has made to have an affair. He made that choice from all the choices available to him. It's ALL down to him, that choice. All him.

I'm sorry you have to deal with his, your Dad shouldn't be asking you to keep this burden, it's wrong.

Has your mum ever doubted his faithfulness to you before? Is your mum the type who wouldn't want to know?

I can't believe someone has read a thread that states her mother is "faithful, devoted" and instantly leaps to it being unfair to judge the cheater, and that this lack of understanding probably applies to the wife and thus she is also responsible for her own betrayal.

OP I am so sorry, what a horrendous situation to be in. Unfortunately you have no way of knowing what your father will or won't do - but I do think you need to consider how your mother may feel if this comes out later, and she discovers you knew and didn't tell her. So very, very sorry. What a terrible thing for you to know.

I don't disagree with the comments above - not much, anyway - but there are way too many assumptions being made. Has the affair actually saved the marriage? Could the mother be too vulnerable to inform? Is he the only one cheating? A bit more evidence or thought before automatically wading in against the man would be sensible.

Thanks for the comments. No marriage is perfect however mum has devoted herself to dad, who is a workaholic in a very demanding job. He has always been very selfish and mum has to her detriment put his needs above all others, including her own and mine. Not sure if mum would want to know. Wouldn't describe her as vulnerable but she would never be unfaithful due to her Christian beliefs. The ironic thing is the other female is very active in her church and looks the double of mum. Just don't understand why he would do what he is doing. He says he thought of leaving mum a while ago and loves our family. I want proof the affair is now over but nothing short of telling the other women's children don't know how this is possible.

It is none of your business. even though you stumbled across the information, you continued to snoop and read the emails. you should have kept your own councel.

I want proof the affair is now over I repeat. It is none of your business.

He has always been very selfish and mum has to her detriment put his needs above all others, including her own and mine

So perhaps, assuming she is financially secure, she could be better off on her own enjoying a wonderful new life with new caring and kind friends and acquaintances.

Maybe you shouldn't presume that staying together is the best option for them.

Goodness me, some very weird responses on your thread OP

Of course it's 'your business' - these are your parents ffs! I don't know how you're going to be able to keep this to yourself - or why you should. It is not fair for him to expect you to hold this secret. Very bad for your emotional welfare I should've thought?

As for the wife has some culpability for her husban'ds affair

Do you have siblings you can talk to about it, if appropriate? do you share your mother's faith - in which case you could talk to a priest/vicar/pastor about it?

Just maybe, it could be a wake-up call for your mum, who appears to worship/serve him on some level. That's not healthy, despite the reasoning people come up with to justify it. (If she justifies it by quoting her christian faith then she's got it wrong - take that from a christian, fwiw).

I'm sorry you're faced with this. Very upsetting for you.

Thank you everyone. Such varied responses...wish there was a clear answer! X

Sorry to read this OP.

I found out at 17/18 yrs old my Dad was (had been) having an affair, imo it was/is very much my business, I didn't say anything directly to him at the time but it all came out, Mum knew all along and decided to let him stay apparently.

IME Storm every single man who does this (and no doubt women too) claims not to be understood at home. It is an old cliche and excuser.

FWIW, my H was a workaholic who tried this excuse for his cheating too- face to face at Relate he admitted that he was after the buzz which he was also seeking at work, and as a coping mechanism for life.

It looks like this- do sod all at home, get criticised, blame wife, have affair, blame wife.