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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is there any excuse for abuse

17 replies

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 00:43

If I told you I have been repeatedly called a whore, a skank, been grabbed by the throat once and, on a seperate occasion, had the door kicked in after locking myself in the bathroom then watched this person punch the wall near my head so hard that it broke his wrist, would you be able to think of anything I may have done to deserve this?

OP posts:

deleted203 · 03/08/2013 00:58

No.

He's a cunt - and I hope you've left him.

MariaLuna · 03/08/2013 01:01

WTF- you think this is to do with you?

Get out and get over him!

Original poster

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 01:35

I treated him badly in the past. Now we're back together. I read all the time that a symptom of abuse is that you think you might deserve it and that nobody does. I cheated on him a long time ago. I ended up in a relationship with the person i cheated with. It was extremely EA and later there was DV. Apparently i should take responsibility for this because if the choices i made. He uses it as a reason/ excuse for these episodes that are mainly verbal. I just realised that when I read the sentence " nobody deserves abuse" a voice in my head says "except you"

OP posts:

deleted203 · 03/08/2013 01:42

I think you need to get out now - and to stay single whilst considering your unfortunate choice of men.

Reading your post - I gather you were with this prick - then cheated on him with someone else who went on to be violent towards you. Now you're back with the original fucker - who is also violent - but that's all your fault?

Just get out. 'Nobody deserves abuse' is an entire sentence. You don't need to qualify it with 'except....'

Don't feel guilty that this is your fault. But leave - and don't ever put up with this sort of shit again.

Original poster

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 01:48

I know it was wrong. It was complicated and I had no commitments to either. Thankyou.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 01:53

Stupid thing is I have only considered my partner now as verbally abusive. The 2 incidents of violence he seems to have totally justified. The door kicking was because he needed to check on me and punched the wall because he was so angry with himself for upsetting me. The neck thing because I shoved him out the door of MY HOUSE during a row, and tried to lock him out. He did say he felt shocked at grabbing my neck but that I physically assaulted him by pushing him.

OP posts:

Original poster

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 01:54

The row btw was him, starting a round of blaming and name calling, out of nowhere.

OP posts:

deleted203 · 03/08/2013 02:04

Just leave, love. This is not a good way to live. And you don't deserve it. Violence can never be justified.

perfectstorm · 03/08/2013 03:00

It wouldn't matter if you'd slept with his best mate, videoed it, and played it back to him. What he's done would still be appalling.

Nobody, nobody, nobody deserves this. Not ever. Not for anything.

garwrex · 03/08/2013 04:35

0808 200 247 - that is the number for Refuge, a charity that exists to help women in your situation.

Please phone them, they will give you lots of great advice and some much needed perspective on your problem. Don't live in fear, you deserve better.

garwrex · 03/08/2013 04:37

Sorry - that number is 0808 2000 247. Two thousand NOT two hundred. Best wishes.

glastocat · 03/08/2013 04:55

Just leave, not only is this abuse but it is escalating, you need to get away from this bully before he ends up killing you. It doesn't matter if you have shagged the entire navy, nothing justifies this.

turbochildren · 03/08/2013 08:46

No you don't deserve it. If he is upset by your past actions he must leave, not punish you for it for all eternity. It's not worth it. Nothing you say or do will ever relieve you of the guilt or will be enough for him to forgive you. (been there) It's no way to live, and the way he is behaving you may not get to live for long.
Please hurry out the door! Or change locks so he cannot get back in.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2013 08:52

Run away, run away, and try very hard to realise that you do not deserve this. In any case there is no reason you should sit there and take it.

You do seem to have made some poor choices, at least in terms of the kind of men you have relationships with. It would be worth exploring that with a good therapist at some point, after you have got away and safe from that extremely dangerous-sounding relationship you're in right now. And of course, explore why you believe you deserve to be treated so poorly (my guess is: abusive childhood where you learned that being trampled over by "the man of the house" is the natural way of things). Your fault, though? Absolutely not.

I'll hazard another guess, which is that if you had not left him for someone else for a while, he would have had to find another stick to beat you with, but make no mistake, he would have found one. It is about power and putting you in your place, not about love. He wants to be with someone who did something wrong so that he can despise them for it. Sounds twisted? So does grabbing the woman you're supposed to love round the throat!

Original poster

HoopersGinger · 03/08/2013 09:55

He's not massively dangerous at all times but he does have an inferiority complex and no idea of personal responsibility. I was with the previous abusive ex for 6 years. I doubt anyone could have seen the signs of that one but I since discovered he had form. I tend to struggle to see myself as a victim to be honest but I think I have made the classic mistake of swapping a grade 9 for a grade 6. As in my boundaries have become skewed and yes,probably have been since childhood. I don't live with him by the way. Thankyou all for your support.

OP posts:

turbochildren · 03/08/2013 12:52

No, they don't have to be dangerous all the time. Mine was very peaceful and anti violence. It's just that when they justify their own violence, it overrides their nice-guy image. (if there is one). That you have done a wrong, is a massive excuse. It still does not mean you deserve it, at all. It's hard to get out of that mindset though, but it helps to have other people point it out to you.
Good luck!

Anniegetyourgun · 03/08/2013 13:39

He doesn't have to be massively dangerous at all times. A decent guy, of which there really are plenty about, is not even a little bit dangerous any of the time. As the wise mantra goes, the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

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