Marriage breakdown

[Doughnut123]

Hi, I am new to this, but I think it could really help me at a difficult time. I have been married for 14 years to a very kind, caring man. We have 3 children. We have had a difficult time over the years. I have had a lot of health problems, 2 of my children are twins, my husband works very long hours, I had no family support and was also caring for my elderly parents, who lived way. Over the years, I have become increasingly discontent with the situation. I became depressed, and, at times, felt that I just didn't want to live any more. To everyone outside, we look happy, but we're not. There are aspects of my husband that I can't live with any more and there are things I can't forgive him for. There's a controlling side to him,at times, which I cannot live with any more. There are numerous key events that have upset me, ie) on our wedding night, he immediately took off his wedding ring, saying he didn't want to wear it at night. When I was about 9 weeks pregnant with our first child, we went to Greece. He couldn't drive at the time and wanted us to hire a car. I was not a very confident driver in the UK, so the idea was really scary to me. I wasn't used to driving abroad and being newly pregnant, I felt very vulnerable. The Greek roads and drivers can be a nightmare. Despite my protestations, my husband kept putting subtle pressure on me to drive and in the end, I gave in. I was terrified, as I drove on the rocky roads with sheer drops below. I cannot for the life of me imagine how he could do that to me! But, worse than that, I let myself be bullied into it. So much has happened, but now I have finally said, 'that's it!' He's a lovely person and a good dad, but I can't live with him any more. The pivotal moment was when my mum died last year. My dad died the year before. I suddenly thought, Life is so bloody short and I'm not happy. I'm going to do something about it. I would really appreciate your thoughts. Thank you .

Sounds like an entitled twat who thought once the ring was on (you) that he was the boss, in control and rules the roost.

If you are not happy, want to leave but still kind of unsure why, counselling for yourself is the way to go. And reading some of the great books recommended on here.

If the love is gone and he has no interest in salvaging it...I'm in the life is too short camp. Others will disagree but just imagine what advice you would give a friend if they told you same story (and I appreciate you have loads not told here too!)

Oh and pivotal moments are just that. Small or big life events that make you stop and wonder...don't ignore the gut.

I suggest getting counsellor to discuss all this muddle with. At least then any decisions you choose will be yours and you will be confident to make them.. I was struck that you repeated that 'hes a lovely person' I don't think he is , hes controlling and disregards you to the point you can't take any more? that doesn't sound lovely.

Thanks so much for your advice. I absolutely agree on the, 'go with your gut instinct,' advice. I have had lots of counselling and we've been to Relate, but it hasn't helped. He would put up with life like this, but I won't. I feel more free than I've felt for years, especially since taking off my wedding ring!

You've told him, presumably? How has he responded? How old are your dc? Sounds as though you've already tried everything. It is not possible to have a healthy relationship with a controlling man. I would agree with others, listen to your gut.

Thanks Cjel. I am having bereavement counselling and I feel a lot stronger for it. The thing is, he is a good person, but he has traits that I can't live with. His dad is awful and really bullies his mum. I see the same traits in him and look at his poor mum and think, 'that could be me in 30 years time, if I'm not careful!'

Yes, Slipperyslip000, I have told him. I moved out of the bedroom in February. We have agreed to separate. The children are 13 and 10 ( twins). They know too and have been amazing. You're right. You can't have a good relationship with a controlling man. Thanks so much for your advice.

Well done, I recently did the same thing. I also feel amazing (although for some reason am so not ready to remove my wedding ring).

your post last night just made me cry. I saw in inlaws what you see,(1st time I told mil he cracked my rib she laughed and said oh you two!!)
It was 25 yrs before I got counselling and 30married before I left. Am 53, left 2years and very happy !! Don't do what I did, it doesn't get better.xx

Cjel, it really moved me that you were so affected by my post. Your experience with your in laws sounds horrendous. How on earth did you cope in an abusive relationship for so long ? In comparison, mine is not physically abusive. But, it is subtle, controlling behaviour, that makes me feel like I'm in an emotional straight jacket. My husband always says he loves me, but displays passive aggressive behaviour, ie) putting pressure on me to drive in Greece, when I was not comfortable to do it. The thing is, no one is purely good or bad are they? He was very supportive when I had numerous major operations and when my parents were dying. However, I can't shake off the things that he has done. I can't forgive him. When my children were very young- 3 under 3 years old, I was very depressed. I would regularly ring him at work and tell him that I wanted to die. He commutes, so it's over an hour to get home. His boss was very good, and often he would come home early to help me. But he just couldn't cope with it. One day, I had told him that I wanted to die and he came home early. I was lucky enough to have someone who could babysit for an hour or so. It was a lovely summer's evening. The babysitter arrived and I went to meet my husband as he was walking down the road from the station. I said I needed to get away from the children and the house. Could we go out? He astounded me by saying he wanted to go mountain biking with his friends! This was his usual routine. Arrive from work at about 7. 30, quick change, then out cycling at about 8 pm, followed by a drink in the pub. He usually got back at around 11.30. Just one evening a week was for cycling and Sunday mornings. He sort of asked me if it was ok that he go cycling. Of course it wasn't! But I meekly agreed. He went, the babysitter went home. I felt utterly abandoned in my hour of need. I managed to bath the children and get them to bed, but I was in a right state. There was no one that I felt I could turn to. When I'm really bad, I just don't want to impose myself on my friends. The lovely neighbours we had had next door, had moved away. So, I tried to call a friend who lives a long way away, but she wasn't there. So, I spent the entire evening on the phone to the Samaritans, I was distraught. When my husband returned, I confronted him. I felt like shaking him. How could he have done this? I said, ' you left us, with me in this state. You could have found us all dead on your return. ' He was just quite passive. I said that it was not normal to have a wife in this state. He was absolutely clueless about how to get help. He had become desensitised to what was going on. When I talk to him about it now, his memory is sketchy. He swears that he cannot remember that we had a babysitter and that I wanted to go out. Convenient that! I am so sorry that you have had such a tough time. I admire you greatly, for finally managing to get away. You deserve so much happiness. I know what I need to do. It will be difficult, but nothing is as bad as someone you love dying. I was with both my parents when they died, 15 months apart.

I've just read back what I wrote last night and realised that I got my timings wrong. When my twins were born, my eldest was 2 . So at the time of this incident, I think my eldest was 5. It's difficult to remember specific timings sometimes.

It sounds so sad doesn't it? I think whether it is physical or emotional and I had both,( he used to get violent when I had a need - for a cuddle or him to stay in like you asked etc, He was fine when I was healthy and independently raising our dcs, but as I say when he had to give out emotionally he couldn't) I think the feelings you end up having re the same aren't they. I also think we underestimate our own situation, you feel my is much worse than yours don't you!!!
I went out with a friend for her birthday last night with 14 people 20 yrs younger than me who I hardly knew and was so nervous, I haven't ever been out like that but I had a good evening, I am starting to learn how to have fun!!
I am more content than I have ever been though. Iam sitting in the kitchen in my jammas and have no pressure to do anything I don't want today - its bliss

Hi Cjel. Thanks for your support. I'm glad you had fun last night. Reclaiming the old you is lovely. I am too. I am doing what I want now. I make decisions without him. I tell him what I'm going to do and sometimes, he doesn't like it. I rebel.
Another pivotal moment for me was when a very nice RSPCA man came to the door, asking for a monthly donation. Ordinarily, I don't sign up to things on the doorstep. But, I am a big animal lover and this was the RSPCA and he was a nice man. I could see my husband was lurking in the kitchen. He was clearly uncomfortable and twitchy about me considering signing up. So, I did! Just to piss him off! I was so angry with him! Treating me like a child.
'It's not good to sign up to charities on the doorstep.'

I said, ' I'd have signed up to join Al Quaida, had they popped in!!!'

That's how stifled I felt. Like, 'The Incredible Hulk,' I suddenly was bursting out of my straight jacket.

You always belittle your own situation, don't you? I'm glad that you have found peace. You are an inspiration. Have a lovely day.

How I recognise that feeling of bursting from your skin!! as I detached and live my own life he took someone else out!! She is like me and reminds him of me!! He was going to choose between us - I left!! she did me a favour
Would love to have seen his face when you were going to join Al Quaida!! Good for you.

Wish you peace and happiness in your new lifex

Whilst I don't think anyone should stay with a controlling partner I am not sure whether the ring incident should have been given a second thought - I have never slept in my wedding ring as I find it annoying and I would be livid if my DH said I had to.
My DH has never worn a ring even during the day as he said it would be annoying. I feel that I would be controlling if I tried to say he had to wear one. Re: the driving, well he probably didn't realise how vulnerable you felt and the activities would have been very limited without a car - if you didn't want to drive you should have said so before you went, and before the car was booked and then not taken your licence with. Plus its a long time ago so best forgotten. I am assuming that there are more recent more significant events, and so think probably need some counselling to work out if the relationship is salvageable.

Forever, she has tried counselling and relate!!

I think things always look so different to different people. What one person will accept as normal and not an issue, another one won't. The crux of the matter is that these things bother me and obviously, they are not the only things. They are the tip of the iceberg .
We have not been happy for years and for me, that is it in a nutshell. If I died not having made the break for freedom (after many, many attempts to fix things), I would see that as such a waste for both of us. I am a big recycler. I can't bear waste. When something is not functioning well as it is, I believe not in throwing it away, but changing it to something that is more bespoke. So while you might think I am throwing away my marriage, I don't see it like that at all. The marriage side of things is no longer working, but we will always respect each other and have the children's welfare at the forefront of everything. Making this break is going to be more healthy for both of us in the long run.

Dear sliperrySlip, I started writing a post to you, then lost the thread somehow. It must be such a tough time for you, not having your children around. I'm glad that you had a friend over and hope that you can fill your time with some quality time for you. I really related to the crying in the petrol station shop bit. How horrible for you. Big hugs and cups of tea/coffee to you...and cake. If you like cake. I am a bit baking obsessed and love making cakes, biscuits, jams and chutneys/ketchups. It's very therapeutic. As is making bread by hand- all that kneading is a good way to channel your emotions. Sleep well.