My son is 5 months old and ever since he's been born, it's been like a constant fight between me and my SO. Yes, I know I'm a lot to blame because I completely blank on things I need to do most of the time, like phone calls and appointments but it just seems like he doesn't understand me anymore.
I was depressed with anxiety and Borderline Personality Disorder before I got pregnant and still, five months later, I have horrible Post Partum and I feel like he just doesn't understand or care. All he does is yell at me and glare at me and snap at me. He doesn't wake up at night with the baby anymore, so sometimes I'm up all night back and forth between the bed and the crib and he wonders why I'm cranky in the morning and when I explain that I was up with the baby and I'm tired, he sarcastically goes 'awwwww, god forbid you have to take care of your own son'.
EXCUSE ME?? That's all I do all freaking day is take care of my son. Which I think is a major freaking accomplishment since I feel like I'm struggling through every move and through every breath. I feel heavy. I feel like I could sleep for the rest of my life. My stomach is constantly twisted into knots and I always feel right on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like even moving around the house is too much work and it leaves me breathless and dizzy.
Even when I try to start a normal conversation with him, he just snaps at me, cause obviously we're still fighting and how dare I try to alleviate the situation by being normal? I get that I've slacked, I get that I'm not doing everything I should be doing. I don't have a job even though I should, we have a lot of money problems and we're living with my parents and he hates this house. But I'm seriously to the point where I am fall out of love with him because he is always down my throat and badgering me and making me feel like shit.
I don't even know what else to say, it would take too long to go through all of our arguments and point out where we are both wrong but I feel like I would rather kill myself then spend another day arguing with him because I already feel like I am dying. I would never because of my son, but he is literally the only thing keeping me going right now. I'm not even eating that much anymore. I had a sandwich yesterday that I didn't even think was going to stay down :/
I just don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single mum and I don't want my son to not have his dad everyday. I really do not want to have to give my son up for days on end so he can spend time with his dad separately, that would break my heart. I love spending time with my son.
I don't have a GP yet, though I've been searching on and off but can never find one I might feel comfortable with.
I'm not good with talking about my feelings out loud and I feel like a professional might deem me unsuitable and take away my child, I'm really paranoid about that and refuse to go see one.
My SO does not work. He has a seizure disorder and the dr will not release him to work. I need to be the one working to bring in money but admittedly, I'm not looking very hard because I desperately want to be around my son right now and it is just so HARD because I barely want to get out of bed and do anything, let alone work at some job that I'm going to hate and miss my sons most developmental months. I know I would regret that for the rest of my life if I missed any of it.
Even though my SO does not work, he is gone most days, fixing friend's cars and sometimes he will be gone ALL DAY, as in from the time the baby wakes up to sometimes after midnight. Of course I feel like he's ignoring me and the baby but every time I bring it up, he jumps down my throat about how I should get a job and blah blah blah and if it would be the same thing if he had an actual job, but it wouldn't because aside from overtime, you only work 8 hours a day and he's working 12+ of course I feel like he just doesn't want to be around me.
He doesn't even say he loves me anymore and never gives me a kiss when he leaves. I haven't actually kissed him in what feels like weeks. (and it may have been). I feel like he hates me and I am so sick of feeling like I am sharing my life with someone who doesn't even want to be in it.
My depression has got me to the point where I've forgone housework, I forgone anything that doesn't have to do with my son, unfortunately. That is the only thing I am proud of, is that my son doesn't ever want for anything. He's always fed and changed and bathed and I am always playing with him and making him smile and singing to him. That little boy is basically my life right now.
I feel so alone and lonely. I live with my parents, but they are getting on in years and can't take care of a baby but for a couple of hours and my dad can't at all, so when my mom gets home from work, she takes him for a couple hours and I can relax and breath which is nice but I still never get anything done because I'm constantly worried that the baby is going to need something so I don't get to into doing something (like showering) just in case I need to rush downstairs and get something for the baby.
It is emotionally and physically exhausting to feel like I'm in this by myself when I still have a partner that is helping me.