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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Decisions, decisions, decisions

17 replies

ladylovesshoes · 02/08/2013 17:46

This is my first time posting here so thank you for your time, and apologies for the lack of acronyms - I'm a newby!

I've been married to my H for 4 years. We do not have any kids. Three years ago we went through a very rocky patch in our marriage...after much to-ing and fro-ing, arguing and finding a text to another women saying he'd been out to watch a film with his nephew (it was me!!!) and he was looking forward to seeing her again it hit a crisis. It came out that he had developed feelings for another women he worked with over the past few months. He moved out for a month and eventually we started speaking again after agreeing to try and work things out.

Things have been fantastic for the past 18 months. I felt secure, happy, he was affectionate and loving, we are intimate, he's caring and considerate, we enjoyed each others company so much etc (seemingly!). Fast forward to last week when out of the blue I had the urge to check his phone and discover a text where he tells this person that 'he's fallen in love with them".

My first reaction was to laugh....I mean really...are we going to do this again!? What kind of lying, deceitful f are you? Any who I'm going to confront him this weekend. He will be ultra-surprised. I want him out the house...but clearly I still love him. Has any one had experience of this? I only want him back if he can be trusted and to do this s** again clearly you have issues that need to resolved sans me being around...I'm scared and confused. I want my marriage to work but it has to be based on truth. Any advice? Warm words? Knocks on the head? x

OP posts:

QueenofWhispers · 02/08/2013 19:05

He's not going to change. He's a proven liar. I'm not sure what the appeal to have a wife and cheat on her is; it's just such an expensive lie to keep up.

Count your blessings, you've made the effort with him once before. He doesn't deserve a third chance, does he?

WhiteandGreen · 02/08/2013 19:09

It's up to you if you do it again. You only want him back if he can be trusted. But he can't be trusted. Are you really going to go for third time lucky?

myroomisatip · 02/08/2013 19:31

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!'

You gave him his chances. IMO he isn't going to change and your trust and self esteem will be further eroded and you will eventually be back here with even sorrier tales of woe.

You have no children so it is less complicated, so if I were in your shoes I would end it now.

myroomisatip · 02/08/2013 19:33

Whoops posted too soon.

I wanted to add that you have only been married four years.... that is nothing in a marriage! If he can't be faithful in the first flush of love and all that, how will it be in ten, twelve, twenty years time? :(

Belle12 · 02/08/2013 19:56

Hi,
I agree with the advice of the others. Unfortunately I have been on both sides of this.

He is highly unlikely to change and will definitely cheat again. Please leave him. You deserve better.

B x

AnyFucker · 02/08/2013 20:00

Myroomisatip has it..."fool me once..."

he's a serial offender, love

get rid, before you are trapped by kids and circumstances

have a read of the relationships board where women who can't leave have to force themselves to tolerate this kind of shit to keep a family together and ask yourself if this is the kind of future you anticipated for yourself

MexicanHat · 02/08/2013 20:03

He can't be trusted though can he? And the fact that you thought you were blissfully happy together makes it worse as he's obviously putting in a oscar winning performance at home if he's in love with someone else.

Do yourself a favour and dump this loser, you're worth SO much more.

pictish · 02/08/2013 20:05

It's a LTB from me I'm afraid.
He's a liar and a cheat.
No kids to muddy the waters? Make good your escape now.

Purplehonesty · 02/08/2013 20:14

Yes you need to get rid of him. He clearly cannot be trusted.
If you do stay with him you will never trust him and will always be wondering what he is up to.
Move on now and find someone who loves you and only you.

Original poster

ladylovesshoes · 03/08/2013 10:32

Thanks for all your comments. They've really helped. Hearing others say what you know in your heart makes the world of difference; especially the comments about the level of deception, not having kids and him not deserving another chance.

He's going away for a work trip soon so I'll tell him tomorrow so he can be tormented whilst away. I have no idea his reaction and I'll be a mess but I've become stronger since the last time.

Keep you all updated. Thanks again.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 03/08/2013 10:45

let us know how it goes, and ignore any meaningless flannel

cozietoesie · 03/08/2013 10:48

Whooah there. Yes, I think that you should tell him directly but I suspect that the thoughts you expressed ....so he can be tormented whilst away..... show that what you're really after, still, is for him to weep, appreciate what he might be about lose, and come back to a grand reconciliation scene where he rejects all others and professes his undying love for you only.

It's likely too soon for you to have any detachment on this matter but I think you're on a hiding to nothing with this one ladylovesshoes. Whatever he may say, he's not going to change and the last thing you need, in my view, is to still find yourself hitched to him 10 years down the line with children, unhappy, yet unable to breakup because of the complicated situation.

I'd move on right now and let him stew in his own little world. You deserve more.

maleview70 · 04/08/2013 11:33

It may be out of your hands anyway if he really has fallen in love with this OW who has obviously been part of his life for the last 4 years......

Twinklestein · 04/08/2013 11:51

It might not be the same woman...

I agree with everyone else, if he fucks up once & comes good, fine.
But he's never going to stop cheating if he can do this, and nothing he says means anything at all.

DistanceCall · 04/08/2013 13:58

You love someone who lies to you and goes behind your back? Why?

Original poster

ladylovesshoes · 04/08/2013 20:54

Many thanks for all your comments. We started the talk but didn't get to finish it. I basically told him I know he's been lying to me and cannot and will not be with someone who thinks its acceptable to lie to his wife. I told him I want him to leave. That was soooooo bloody hard! I then had to go out but he wants to talk; no doubt to grovel blah, blah, blah but there is nothing to discuss. Will keep you updated.

OP posts:

Joanne279 · 04/08/2013 20:59

'Fool me once' indeed hun. I was thinking of this saying as I read it.

People CAN make mistake and maybe deserve a second chance but when that chance turns its to 2 or more, he knows he's going to get away with it.

I'm sorry Hun. Huge hugs x

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