Hi all,
I am a newbie and I would be grateful for your help. Sorry that it is long but I am in a bit of turmoil.
I have been in a relationship with DP for about 2 1/2 years. We do not live together. To be honest I am not sure the relationship is really going anywhere but I don't know if it is me, him or both of us that is the problem. On the surface things look OK but they don't feel OK.
To give a bit of background I am in my 40s, divorced (we were together 16 years, married 13 years) with 2 DC. My XH left to be with OW and a year later I got involved with a MM. I was in a very bad place and I am deeply ashamed of my actions during that time although I did care for MM and still do (stupid as that may seem). It took a long time and several attempts to break away. Eventually I did. Shortly afterwards I began a relationship with DP.
DP has had 1 serious previous relationship of 3 years but has not lived with anyone and has no children. He is in his later 40s. He lived with his parents until quite late when he bought his own home. He still visits them regularly for a few hours a few times a week.
He is a sensitive, caring man and has been very supportive in a practical sense, emotionally slightly less so. He is also very rigid and tetchy at times. He has set things he sticks to and is out of sorts if this routine changes. I guess he is very bachelor like really.
Partly because it is easier, we spend most of the time together at my home. I have suggested spending time at his but initially he would say he had nothing for the DCs to play with and then conversation about it always seemed to be tense so it was just left there. 2 1/2 years on and that is still the case - though he says they can come round anytime I still feel like he would really rather keep his space to himself. He gets along well with my DCs and they like him a lot and he has no problem baby sitting for me occasionally but it still niggles me that he never invites us all to his. I can't see how we would ever live together if he is not comfortable with us all in his space.
Because of this and the rigidity and tetchy vibe I feel like the physical shutters have come down and I think romantically we have come to an end. I have tried to talk to him lots of times. I have been subtle, less subtle and blunt. He doesn't see a proble.m or if he does he thinks it is something he can change. He says he wants to work at it but that I need to give him time.
I admit I am not easy to live with. I carry a lot of baggage and issues from childhood and what was basically an abusive marriage. The involvement with MM has left it's mark also. I read a quote once that said "having an affair eats away at the very fabric of your soul" - it does. It's a warped way of living, some kind of half live that destroys trust and love.
Given my history I don't want to make any more mistakes. He is a good man and I do not want to end the relationship for a stupid reason but as it is now I can't see a happy future with him. When I tell him that he disagrees and I feel he is just not listening as it is not what he wants to hear.
I'm afraid of making the wrong decision and being alone and failing. I don't want to hurt him but don't want us both just to settle for each other if it is not right for us both. Sorry, I know that sounds weak. Hope what I have said makes sense.
Would be grateful for any advice. Thank you in advance.