I'll try to keep this brief: I have cocked up massively. My XH was a twat and has taken me for a mug - we were trying to keep the split amicable - for me it was to preserve my self respect and to encourage him to co-operate with the annulment process so that I can remarry in church (RC), for him it was so that I did not make any claim on his (large) income.
He did not leave, he kicked me out as 'I would not have been able to afford the mortgage so it was his house really' he gave me some money at the time as I was retraining so that I could work from home & look after the children that we had planned. This was 2 years ago now. Around 6 months before the split he had changed his mind about kids and refused to discuss it. He had started to stay away with work a lot and come home very late/not at all and made me feel like I was being paranoid and controlling if I asked whether he would be home for tea, for example. Why did I not know about MN in those days? And yes, how stupid not to realise that he was having (multiple) affairs.
Anyway, to cut a long story short, as I had no idea what was going on and didn't know how to begin to process it, I kind of put my feelings in a box in my head, and tried to go about life as normal - one of the things he made me agree in the early days when I was so upset and confused, was not to tell friends or consult a solicitor. Yes I was that stupid and accepted his argument that they just stir up animosity and that we were perfectly capable of sorting it ourselves. The decree absolute came through last autumn but the financial side wasn't finalised. I had agreed in my emotional state to give him back my half of the house which happened in March under pressure from him, as I was about to give birth to my lovely DD with my new partner who I would really like to marry in church. Needless to say my XH now has what he wants and any pretence at civility has stopped (he had a lot of my old stuff still at the house which I was unable to collect due to restrictions he had placed).
I know I should have dealt with this all properly at the time, but everytime I heard from him or had to contact him I got in such state that I couldn't deal with it rationally. I still haven't processed any of the emotional side of things and in fact tried to avoid it once I was pregnant as I suffered a late miscarriage last year and didn't want to add to the stress for the baby. I have been told that as we have not fully finalised the financial side of things I could still go to a solicitor and get things sorted out. I had been trying to just let it go and focus on my new relationship and baby, but I feel like the feelings keep creeping out and poisoning me. I am still isolated from many of my old friends and his version of events is what most people believe (that it was me who left, he has been v generous, I met someone else first etc). Added to which there was a lot of equity in the house so he benefitted hugely from the split.
I keep going around in circles, so help me! Do I open the can of worms that is the legal process after the event? Or just try to let it go (and yes I have had counselling to support this to no avail).
Sorry this ended up being so long 