Almost 5 months on - still so upset !

[Justconfused]

I found out in March that my husband was being unfaithful to me. He ended the relationship with the OW immediately and he is full of remorse. I can see he is doing his best and has even started counselling to deal with issues he had with his childhood and to work towards our relationship being stronger.

Yet I am still so upset ! I keep having flashbacks about the discovery and pain myself wondering what they did in bed together - I feel terrible even crazed by it at times.

I just don't feel that I love him like I used to and wonder if I will ever get those feelings back ?

How long does it take to 'get over' infidelity ? It feels like such a slog at the moment

You dont get over it, you grieve for the relationship you thought you had and you learn to live with a new reality.

?To err is human; to forgive, divine.?

About 2 years to incorporate this new reality into your history (very very hard), and accept it.

This is all dependent on him doing the hard work you describe.

I think the most important book for him to read is the one by Linda J Macdonald which tells him what he had done TO YOU, how your reactions will be and what he needs to do to reassure you.

The other really good book is Dr David Clark 'I don't love you any more'. What processes your H must do to heal what he did and how the stages you will react.

It is a tough, hard-hitting book but it is spot on.

Any counsellor who tells you to make him safe or talks about what needs weren't being met in the marriage should be told to fuck the fuck off. You fix the damage caused by the affair first, and THEN you deal with the m issues.

Boosterseat - did it happen to you too ?

Not sure I can ever forgive him to be honest because of the circumstances - I had breast cancer which apparently made him need to escape

I do try and forgive but the flashbacks are driving me nuts

Wellwobbly thank you - I will get both those books and make him read them

The 2 year slog - good grief - well we have been together for 13 years and I don't want to chuck that away. Our DDs would be devastated if we split too

It may well be that you won't ever get over it.
In which case you need to end the relationship and both move on.
My Ex cheated and I was going to give it another try but after a little while I just knew it would never be the same and I couldn't forgive him.
Like you, I just lost that love I used to have for him.
If he is really trying then maybe give it a bit more time but it's very hard to get over IME.
The fact he did it when you needed him most will compound the feelings you have as well.
You've been through a lot. Give yourself some time.
Did he move out for a while to give you some head space?
If not, then maybe you need this.
A little bit of time, just for you without him there.

I see from your new post that it's a long relationship.
I was with my ex for 15 years.

No he didn't move out and when I look back I think he should have to be honest

Would that work now I wonder or would it just be the start of the end iyswim

The honest answer is that it takes as long as it takes. You have an awful lot of stuff to process at the moment including the fact that the person who is supposed to be closest to you in the world has betrayed you and it is absolutely normal to feel like this. FWIW I guarantee you will feel better as time passes.

This will be for one of two reasons, either, as Boosterseat says, you and your H both commit to making a go of it and you live with a new reality ie you create a new marriage because the old one has been destroyed, or (and this is want happened to me) you reach a point where you move from being desperate to keep the relationship going at any cost to realising that the lies and cheating have broken it for good and you have to walk away. I struggled on for 18 months after discovering my exH affair. In the end all I did by hanging on that long was delay my own recovery, but I can only see that with hindsight. In the first few months I felt a lot like I'm guessing you do now - basically raw and anguished. As time passes you get harder and more self protective and your BS detector improves.

For me that ultimately meant divorcing him. You and your H are different people in a different relationship so it may or may not end that way for you. I would encourage you to read some of the past relationship threads. There are a lot of women who have been in your position and a lot of very good advice for them. If nothing else it will show you a real pattern of behaviour both by men who have affairs and their wives.

In the short term what helped me more than anything to deal with my feelings was finding a counsellor just for me. Someone safe who I could vent to and who was supportive of me. I cried every session for weeks but it was the only place where I felt safe to do so. She also taught me some great tricks to stop the endless circling of anguished thoughts. The most effective for me were: 1. mindfulness meditation - a great relief as it just enables you to get off the wheel for a while and 2. breathing exercises whilst keeping your mind blank. We also did a bit of CBT. Finally of course, MN was and continues to be a great source of support.

I am nearly a year down the line from the point when I walked away and I can honestly say that I am happy and have been happy for several months now. It's actually a great relief to just look back on all that grief and stress as something in the past and to know that the only people who matter now are me and the children.

Good luck and best wishes.

3mum thank you so much for your sound advice and taking the time to share your experience

I have a counsellor already ( who I was seeing to deal with my breast cancer ) - I had to put my sessions on hold with her because I was in a complete state when I found out about my husbands affair - in fact looking back I think I had a nervous breakdown. I will start back with her when my DDs are back at school in September

I do agree with others, you may not love him the same as before because he is not the man you thought he was and loved and to have an affair when you needed him the most is bound to be even harder on you.

It will take time to forgive (that's if you can) which is something I could never be able do in your situation. Good luck op I hope it turns out the way you want it too

It's very early days. I'm afraid it will take a while to get wherever you need to get, if you see what I mean.

My dp cheated on me around 7 years ago (I always have to stop and think about the date, it was roughly 7, or maybe 8 now), and we have moved on, but a part of it has never left me if I'm honest. Although we are together, and happy most of the time, both of us live with the legacy of what he did. It's trust, IMO, that can never quite be put back as it was, but you know, nothing ever stays exactly the same.

We have worked to get over it. Most of the time it doesn't even come into my mind now, but if we are ever having a hard time, it will sometimes stop me in my tracks. The deception, and my reaction to it at the time (I chucked him out but wanted to rebuild it) sometimes takes my breath away.

Be kind to yourself, and please never ever reproach yourself for feeling those feelings of hurt, and don't think you have to "get over it" in a certain period of time.

Justconfused DH has didnt had an affair, he did many moons ago betray my trust in a different way and I had to learn to move forward with what we had left (once I had decided i could forgive)

DH is a very different man from the one I fell in love with now, he is in fact a much better man, it took losing me for him to be truly sorry and to tell me everything. DH never begged for me back, it was and still is the action he takes to reassure, reaffirm and make our lives better than helped me fall back in love with him.

Good Luck OP, I didnt have MN when this happened with DH - I wish I had known about the amazing people here and I would never have felt as alone and low as I did back then.

you never get over it . my dp cheated at the beginning of our relationship, that was almost 8 years ago and I often still think about it

OP, is is also ok to decide that, actually, you cannot get past what he did and that his actions have killed your relationship

he cheated while you had breast cancer ?

that is the lowest of the low

I wouldn't want someone like that in my life, and it's ok if you don't either

Don't hang onto something that is dead, nor hoodwink yourself you have to do it for your kids

You do not

My husband cheated on me march 2010 this post triggered me a little actually , we stayed together as we had too much to throw away. Such a hard thing to do but I'm glad we did, things aren't the same but we are very happy again.
Sometimes on bad days it literally takes my breath away, but its getting less and less and 3 years down the line I barely think of it.
H gave me 100% transparency and tried to hard so that helped I guess.

Thanks for everyoneʻs input. I actually started to feel a bit better about a month ago but this week I have gone back massively - not sure why. Keep having flashbacks and feel insane at times ! I hate being like this and feel that I am quite a bitch to be around now. I put myself first always - after years of not doing this in the family. I feel that enough is enough and I will not be treated like the bottom of the heap. I cannot believe he did this when I was unwell and what he has put our children through

It may be something you never 'get over'. My (ex) husband cheated on me. I tried and tried to 'get over' it, then spent a period of time accepting that I hadn't and wasn't actually totally prepared to give the relationship enough (he certainly wasn't either!) and finally ended it 3 years later.

If you wish you'd asked him to leave - even temporarily - at the time and wonder if you should still ask that of him now, ask it! You need to do this however you feel you need to - not work to anyone else's timetable.

Good luck.

the action he takes to reassure, reaffirm and make our lives better than helped me - THIS.

Unfortuanately it hasn't happened in my M, and the horribleness of the affair and his actions afterwards (defensive, withholding) opened my eyes basically to how selfish and uncaring he has always been and how little my needs have been listened to.

But the posts are so reassuring that I am not the only person who found it devastatingly traumatic. I tried for four years, and now I just want to be at peace.

Yes i feel that need for peace too - am sick of reliving it all and wondering why he did it etc. The sad realisation that someone I loved and trusted could treat me like that

I'm sorry he is a twunt Wobbly and yours too OP.

It's shit finding out that the person you love isn't who you thought they were. It's a far worse reality figuring that one out that than the actual specifics of what happened, and knowing you don't have the truth makes it even bloody worse.

This is why I am addicted to MN. Therapists cost £££ and are trained to listen, and who could I talk to in RL like this?!

But here? People understand what has been lost. It is such a relief. The only other option is that I am crazy, far too sensitive or I make too much of a fuss.