I feel like he is always critical of me. I try only to ask for things I think are utterly reasonable because he always resists whatever I say and knows better. But then I am told I am not being nice. I don't have to shout or swear to not be nice, just say at the wrong time.
Recent horrible shouting matches were when:
I asked him not to leave the big upstairs window open when I was afraid the small dc would fall out
I asked for the phone charger he had moved which was the only one that works on my work phone (which I asked for straight away as there was no charge since it has been missing since yesterday and I had left work early for a dr. appointment and was paranoid about it)
both things turned into a row because he was annoyed with me for asking, or "asking in the wrong way" (ie now) and I got really fucking furious that I have to negotiate on things I think are basic and important
I cooked dinner for 9 people last weekend and we had half a bowl of new potatoes left over. he said in a smirky way "you always overcompensate on the carbs" (I try to low-carb). I got really upset because it was a really small mistake and I think there was no need to mention it. I think I may have been overreacting because I could have easily laughed off such a small comment. but I feel so picked at all the time,
when we argue he orders me about, pushes me around, tells me what to do - go away, go upstairs, go out, go back to work - and drags the children into it, today he told them I am a "bad woman".
Here is what I mean by "is it me". I have
depressive tendencies
seriously introvert tendencies
get angry
get very tired and overwrought
drink too much
am out early and back late for work
can't sleep with him because he snores
get really upset by small pieces of criticism whcih I think he could just keep to himself
here is what makes me think it is him
I mistrust the "just ask me nicely" thing he says because it seems like it is NEVER nice enough ie I am not allowed to express any needs or requests or suggestions that he is not always right at all
It seems as if (this is an exaggeration but this is how I feel right now) every time I express a need he takes it as a criticism and responds to it by attacking me and telling me I am shit ALL OVER AGAIN (eg "can I have my phone charger now please" -> he hears "you are wrong to take my charger and this is an attack on you" -> he retaliates by sulking and then saying "that wasn't a very nice thing to say when I had just come back from the shop" -> huge fight while he tells me I am treating him like shit and I tell him no I am just asking for my stuff back that I need and he is treating me like shit for thing to enforce an ethos where he can take my stuff and I am not allowed to mention it)
he can be very quiet and cold, often doesn't meet my eye when I come in, doesn't seem to like me much or be pleased to see me
I feel as if he doesn't respect me or what I do but I can't put my finger on why all the time and I think he would say I am mental and imagining things. Everything seems to turn into a big screed about how much he does as if by me saying anything at all he has to go on about how he does x, y, z, and the implication is I do nothing
I think we have a dysfunctional relationship because we are both fucked up but I don't know what to do about now we have children. I always go out with the sons of alcoholics. I am maybe an abusive person that children of dysfunctional families go for. I wish I had taken my wellbeing seriously when I was younger and done some work on myself instead of going from man to man and lurching from semi-suicidal to suicidal to drunk to back again. I am not sure what is wrong with me but something is. Now we have children, what do I do?
I think we both have a drink problem but his is manifested in steady daily soaking and mine is manifested in lurching on and off the bottle. I never try to make him not drink when I am not drinking, nor does he try to make me drink or not drink, but we never talk about the insane amount of booze that disappears in this house at times.
Our children are beautiful and deserve better than this but I don't know what to do about it.
It has very rarely occurred to me to attempt to be happy, only to survive has been the height of my ambitions but now I have children that doesn't seem a very good example
Sorry this is so long
I wonder if I need AA or a support group or something