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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Mothers bereavement and favouritism

6 replies

Seasidermum · 01/08/2013 19:45

I am currently really struggling with my mum, always had a difficult relationship with her and after my dad dying last year it has not improved. She has been in lots of ways a toxic parent and inflicted years of criticism and negativity on me and does not show me any empathy. My dad was my friend and without him she has been able to indulge my younger sister (her favourite) to her hearts content. Without my dad around to intervene on my behalf she can cast me as the difficult one which maybe I am in some ways as I don't pander to her, call her, go round and see her and make out that it is fine for her to never make any effort, never call me or actively seek to spend time with me or my children.
Instead she sees my sisters daughters lots, I have sons and they can't measure up to her despite them having achieved highly academically. And just being very lovely of course. What has finally made me realise there is not much future in our relationship is her recent comments about how she is the chief mourner as if it is some kind if competition, she cannot see that I have been devastated by losing my father, we ran a business together and I have had to carry on with this on my own with very little support but no she is the only one allowed to be upset/sad any expression of grief from me is met with a stony silence and no understanding.
Now she is in the process of making decisions to do with finances and this effects the business I run but she does not want to consult me about it, she has involved my sister much more and they are making plans together which will have a big impact on my working life. When I spoke to her a about it she told me not to worry about it as if its not my concern and I was about 5 years old!!
Trying to remain in adult mode and be reasonable with her but it is getting increasingly harder, anyone else been in a similar situation at all?

OP posts:
EBearhug · 01/08/2013 19:57

OMG, yes! I could have written this when my father died (well, we didn't run a business together, and I don't have children, but otherwise...) The evening he died, after we left the hospital, my mother and sister and BiL were going back home. I'd have liked to go with them, but sister & BiL just wanted each other, and my mother said she didn't want anyone around, so I had to be on my own whether I wanted it or not (my local friends were away, as it was summer.) My needs and feelings were irrelevant.

Never really dealt with it, to be honest. I went travelling some months after my father died (I'd started planning it before we knew he was ill, and he was adamant I should go), and then got a job 2 hours away. I'm not sure my sister had it that much easier, really, because being still local to Mum, she got all the phone calls asking her to just pop over to run a little errand, do a little favour and so on. I spoke to her about every 2 weeks or so, and saw her two or three times a year. It was easier at a distance (but I didn't have the issue of a shared business to deal with.)

When my father died, it was a massive, gaping hole in my life. When my mother died - well, I miss lots of things, but there are other parts of her personality I don't miss, and my life is easier without her always emotionally undermining me and everything. It's been a very different grieving process.

So I'm sorry I have no useful advice, just sympathy, because I have been somewhere similar.

KevinFoley · 01/08/2013 19:58

What does your sister think about the way she acts towards you? Did your dad leave his share of the business to her? Are there any positives about your relationship with them? Just thinking about how much you should bother really.

tribpot · 01/08/2013 20:00

First, I'm very sorry for the loss of your dad.

I'm confused about how you and your dad ran the business. Did he own it and you have a management (but ultimately non-decision-making) role or did you co-own it? One way or another I think you need to separate business and family, how possible is that to do?

It sounds like you need to detach from her and your sister. Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread for people dealing with toxic parents? You definitely should.

Seasidermum · 01/08/2013 21:25

I have shares in the business but my mum is behaving as if I don't and my sister has her own agenda as well as enjoying being the "good" daughter.
I have been seeing a cruse counsellor which has really helped as she actually recognises the loss I have suffered and accepts that.
It has turned my life upside down and only now nearly a year after it happened am I starting to feel happy sometimes yet my mum can't see things from my point of view at all. I did hope for a while that things would improve between us but after recent events I really don't know how to respond to her and her skewed view of the situation. I wish I could separate family and business but it is not at all possible, but I can look at other options for the future.
Will have a look at that thread thank you

OP posts:
tribpot · 02/08/2013 07:44

So your mum is the majority shareholder? I think this effectively limits your ability to influence the direction of the business, unless there are other minority shareholders?

You could sell your share back to your mum and start your own firm with the proceeds, or you could withdraw from active participation, but I think the firm is also employing you on a salary?

DeckSwabber · 02/08/2013 08:59

I do sympathise. My mum turned to my brother when my dad died and she also didn't allow room for grieving (though in her case it was more a matter of everyone 'getting on with it'). We were teenagers and I don't think I have every quite over not being able to grieve at the time.

With regard to the business, it occurred to me (and I could be wrong) that she might find it easier to talk to your sister because when she talks to you she also has the worry and obligations of the business and she may feel overwhelmed by that. Perhaps she needs you to be the strong one to keep things going and her 'chief mourner' stance is her way of leaning on you to take responsibility. Tough on you if that is the case.

Well done you for going to Cruse.

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