DD's dad wants to introduce his new GF- don't agree....What should I do?

[oreoaddict]

Ok, so I need to explain why...

Firstly, yes, this is a first for me and so it's always going to hurt and I'm always going to be concerned. However, my ex(dd's dad) said at the beginning of this relationship, which was about 2 months a go, that he knew it wasn't going to go anywhere because she's much older and (he's 29, she's nearly 50) and they will both want different things.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not against age gaps and if he said that he was crazy about her and she sounded like a nice person, then yeah, I'd have no choice, obviously. But he hasn't said that. They've already broken up twice because they agree that they want different things etc. I only asked him last week how it's going and he said that she was keener than him and repeated that it's not going anywhere.

So, why should I let this stranger be introduced into my DD's life? She's 6 btw and she's already gone through a lot with me and her dad breaking up.

What if DD really likes her, trusts her and then they break up, which it sounds pretty inevitable that they will. She'll wonder why she doesn't want to see her anymore. Yes, of course these are all what ifs, but I want to reduce the risk of her feeling let down or hurt. That's normal isn't it?

Am I completely wrong? Opinions and experiences really appreciated.

Thanks for reading

You don't have a choice though, you can't let or not let this happen.

All you can do is give your opinion.

I don't think really you can do anything. It's up to him if he decides to introduce his new girlfriend? How would you feel if he said he had the right to veto who you introduced her to? And I don't think it's necessarily always a bad idea for kids to know about a new boyfriend/girlfriend when they are still at that stage rather than partner and to know that sometimes relationships don't work out and that you dated them for a year or whatever and it didn't go the distance because they weren't right for you, didn't respect you, didn't treat you right.

Why does he want to introduce her? He could do it in a way that probably wouldn't be too distressing to your DD - just as a friend. My ds is not too bothered about most of my friends, he likes some but they come and go (from his perspective) without much concern. The fixed points in his life are me, his dad, the cat, our wider families (not the cat's), and his school friends.

I see no value in him introducing her to your DD but there's little you can to prevent it. Would you feel the same if you had met someone else but there was a risk you might break up in the future? Ultimately there's always that risk (even though I accept you would wait til you were more than 2 months in to a turbulent relationship in order to mitigate that risk more sensibly).

i think these are all very sensible concerns. you should voice them to your ex. but ultimately you cannot control what he does.
however, kids are quite resilient. and if she is introduced as a friend it may all be fine. friends do come and go from children's lives. they cope.

would be different if he was trying to blend families or introduce her as a step mum.

Well I think my issue is definitely why. I know he's just using her.

He won't talk to me about it, which is just making me angry and I don't want to be angry

How recently did you break up? I don't think you should torture yourself asking him how it's going as what can he say that would make you feel better!? no matter what he says it would hurt. I love her! or She's just such good company and so intelligent! Or, it's just uncomplicated fun. What can he say that would make you feel better? Please don't ask him. He shouldn't tell you anything about his relationship.

For what it's worth I agree with you that two months is way too early to introduce a new bf or gf to children. Is he really so short of time that he has to combine the two shifts like that !? would he get more out of seeing your dd on her own? Maybe you could risk broaching that much, just, no more.

Because the moment you judge or criticise or question his relationship then you have handed him the right to do the same to you when you meet somebody. If you must chat to him keep it factual. Arrangements. Details. The weather. rinse and repeat. You will get to the point where you don't care if he's dating The Barbie twins daughters.

I really don't think you can stop them meeting.
And are you really going to wait until you are ready to remarry before you introduce her to your boyfriends?
As long as its done in the right way (as a friend), then I don't see the harm.
My friend was a stepmum until she separated from her ex, but she is still in touch with her Stepkids, ending a relationship wouldn't necessarily mean that your daughter would never see her again.
I think you'll have to just trust your ex to do the right thing (not easy I know).

"he won't talk to me about it".

I feel so much sympathy for you when you type this. Because what you need to feel better is to get to the point where you have disconnected emotionally. You can't disconnect emotionally when you're still chatting about relationships and the WHYs of life.

The harsh truth he's serving up here is that he's not obliged to discuss this stuff with you anymore. And from what you said earlier, the information he gave you was to answer your questions. He doesn't have to give you any information. And although digesting that will make you sick, I promise you that when you wrap your head around it, it will not continue to hurt indefinitely.

You're stuck between the relationship and the moving on phase. I was stuck there for 18 months. You're neither here nor there in that phase.

How often does she have contact with dad?

But really, you can't 'let' or 'not let' this happen

He won't talk to you about it because it is none of your business. I split up with DD's dad. We saw each other every other Wednesday night at handover and every other weekend. I never talked to him about the very many men I went on first dates with, the frogs I kissed nor when I was dating the man who has gone on to be my partner. Because it was none of his business. Nor did he discuss the women he dated up to and including his now partner. Because that is none of my business.

Why he's doing it is because he wants to. And that's as much as you will ever be able to figure out, or should be able to figure out. I didn't even discuss those sorts of things with my ex, because it was nothing to do with him.

I have a sense that you and him aren't very long split up and that you are still rather emotionally invested in him and it is hard in the beginning but you need to detach. It will come in the end but it's hard in the beginning. Don't torture yourself.

This sentence got me

"Don't get me wrong, I'm not against age gaps and if he said that he was crazy about her and she sounded like a nice person, then yeah, I'd have no choice, obviously."

Even if he's 53 years younger or older than her, and he hates her but he's using her for sex and she sounds horrible, then harsh as it sounds, you have no choice. It is really really hard, I think it's the hardest thing about being a divorced parent who is trying to co-parent with someone you aren't married to or with any longer, that they can do what they like, as long as what they do is good enough (as in, no abuse/neglect etc) then you don't have a choice.

If he doesn't feed DD a homecooked dinner, or he leaves her with Granny to go out to the pub every Saturday afternoon to watch the football, or he doesn't braid her hair like I do or dress her in matching clothes, I don't have a choice. And it's hard.

she might be lovely.

I totally get your concerns, but like many others have said, all you can do is voice this to him and hope he takes it on board; you can't stop him unfortunately.

You have my totally sympathy, my ex left me for someone else (although i didn't find out till later), had to accept my ex was bringing another woman into my sons lives.

Its an awful position to be in, to have no control over who meets your child, but speaking from experience my ex ignored my two youngest sons feelings, and tried bringing his new partner to all their meetings from a few months after moving out. He was telling me he'd only just met her, so why introduce a new partner anyway, but really he'd been seeing her since the summer before. Result was my middle son wouldn't see him for months, and my youngest son saw him but refused to speak to her. Now he lives with her, they sometimes have lunch at the house, but she now has the tact to either be out or to just say hello and then leave them alone with their Dad.
Don't think they will ever feel ok about her now, but they're teenagers not as young as your daughter, and old enough to be embarrassed by their father's actions. Also old enough to never forgive him for moving into another families home and only seeing them for a few hours a week at most.
Your daughters only six, she needs stability in her life. All you can do is give her that, if you start seeing someone just introduce them when you're sure they will be around a while. If your ex wants to introduce someone who might only be around for a short while, i don't think theres anything you can, just carry on doing your best for her. Awful as it is, long term you'll have the fantastic relationship with her, your ex will just damage their relationship if he introduces short term partners to her.

I sympathise enormously but I think you just have to accept this is going to happen whether you like it or not and work out some plans for damage limitation. All you can do is voice your concerns to your X as diplomtically and non-judgementally as possible (e.g. DD bonding with GF but then X and GF splitting up because they want different things) and hope that the parent in him wins out.

What sort of contact arrangements do you have? I'm going to assume it's the standard every other weekend and a night mid-week. If that's the case, I really don't think you need to worry too much. The GF will just be someone there on the periphery and will probably have disappeared long before enough time has been spent with her for DD to form a meaningful bond. Don't forget that children form transient relationships with people that they move on from all the time with no emotional trauma (think teachers, etc).

I would try and explain your feelings if you can and ask him how he would feel about introducing her as a friend first and see if he can see the benefits too.I hope you can come together on this because its obvious its only because you are thinking of your daughters interests and hopefully he will see that too x