My head is spinning, what would you do?

[OhThisIsJustGrape]

H moved out 3wks ago, following many years of problems within out marriage - mostly due to his workaholic attitude and refusal to put me first, ever.

We have 4DCs and they are, naturally, devastated although holding up well. They spent their first weekend with them last weekend and will be going there again this weekend. All 4 were very upset when he dropped them back at mine on Sunday evening and it was heartbreaking watching them cling to H.

H came over to see them on Tues night and asked if we could talk after they had gone to bed. He basically poured his heart out to me, told me how miserable he is and how much he misses me. He admitted he didn't realise how much he loved me until he moved out.

He is willing to do anything to get us back together - attend counselling (together or alone) completely revamp his working situation, possibly even sell his business.

Thing is though, I'm happy. Sort of. I don't particularly miss him although it feels strange without him here but not sure I'd class it as missing him. I loved every minute of my child free weekend although seeing how upset the DCs were when they returned tore me apart. However, I wonder if I will begin to miss him when reality sets in properly, after all 3wks isn't long is it?

My argument is that we have put the DCs through so much, not only would it seem cruel to get back together again it would also make them extremely insecure as they will be forever wondering if it will happen again. Not only that, I never ever want to put them through all this again so I would be trapped for the next god knows how many years if we didn't work out.

So confused, we'd been together 17yrs and I was only 17 when we got together. This is the first time in my adult life I've had to cope without him, although I am coping it still feels scary.

What would you do?

Why do you need to decide now ?

Tell him to take pressure off

Carry on with this separation as a trial and see how you feel in a few months

Don't be railroaded

How old are you children?

Sorry - posted too soon!

How old are your children?

Do you think he can change his work habit?

Where is he living?

I'd carry on with things as they are. Don't be pressured into doing anything. If you want to continue living separately, do so. As upsetting as it is at the minute for the children things will settle down in a few months.

Sometimes you have to be selfish, do what's best for you, not DH.

If you do feel like you may change your mind. Perhaps attend some counselling together but not together, iykwim.

If you do decide to get back together, start again from scratch. Go on dates and have fun. Enjoy each other. Don't jump straight back into living together.

But for now, be happy and give being apart a chance.

DCs are 17, 13, 5 and 3.

H is living in same village, he has rented a house about half a mile down the road which is great for the DCs.

It's so hard as there is no way I want him back if he remains the person he was when he left here, and I very much doubt a leopard can change their spots to the degree that he is talking about. And even if he does then I don't see how he would sustain it. I think he's desperate and therefore saying what he thinks I want to hear.

He has broken my trust countless times over the years with his broken promises, I can't believe him this time either.

It's so hard isn't it. If the little ones were a bit older then I'd say talk to them, tell them that you are both going to give it another go, but that it might not work and you might separate again, but your little ones are too small for that :(

If you weren't thinking about the children, what would your gut be saying?

If you want to try again, I think I would have a really really good talk to him, tell him exactly what your worries are, how little his promise means and how much damage he will do to the children if he can't deliver what he's promising because he will have to leave again and it will be permanent.

But, as I said, that's only is you want to try again... if your heart isn't in it for you then keep things as they are. The kids will come to terms with it.

I think I'd ask him to put his money where his mouth is - go get himself into counselling and sort out his work-life balance with no promises that you'll get back together but that it definitely won't ever happen if he can't change.

If he loves you he'll do it in the hope of a future together (and hopefully for his own benefit either way), if he's a selfish lazy twat he won't bother.

But sometimes that feeling of relief that it's over is the only thing you need, to know you made the right choice.

Can you get a babysitter? If so, tell him that he has to "date" you, over a period of time, and prove that he can put you and the relationship between the both of you first, before work and other outside distractions.

If he wants to rebuild the relationship, he needs to (and you need to) prioritise yourselves as a couple, and not just "for the sake of the children".

He needs to see you as a partner, not just as childcare for his children while he works.

Also, counselling as individuals at first and then as a couple if it gets that far.

Why not try counselling? It would help you to make sense of your feelings one way or the other. I think after 17 years of marriage it's worth the effort.

Another one here saying let him put his money where his mouth is.

He needs to stay living in separate accommodation. He needs to prove his commitment to the children, so that in 3 months time or whenever, he's shown he won't let them down because "he has to work" or "something came up." He needs to demonstrate that he has restructured his life in a way that is consistent for good. Only then can he say he's changed, and only then do you have to ask yourself if you want to take him back. If you don't, he should realise that the changes he's made are for the DC's benefit and his own, and are so not wasted. If he feels it is wasted effort unless you take him back, he hasn't learned a thing and will soon revert to his old ways.

You were very young when you got together and I guess have spent "most" of your life in this relationship.

Therefore I think it's good for yóu to spend this time apart in order to really know what you want for the rest of your life....

Getting back together with him can always be part of your future, right now I think you need to learn how to be independent. If you jump back into it and it all goes tits up again, you will be back to square 1 and the kids more confused than ever.

You need to be strong for all of you - yes, it's shit, I'm a LP myself... but infinitely better than to be in a relationship where you don't get your needs met. That way leads to frustration and bitterness...

If he lives down the road and you can come to a good compromise with co-parenting, you are already halfway there. Especially with creating stability for the DC.

Whatever you do, don't let him draw you back in with half-baked promises. You and your DC deserve better.

I guess I feel pressurised as if I don't make a decision soon then he will 'move on' and then there's no going back.

But, I want to see how I feel about living without him, carving out a life of my own first. I'm planning to go to college and, as cliched as it sounds, find out who I am for the first time in my adult life.

I just feel that the clock is ticking to give him an answer.

If you are feeling pressurised in case he "moves on" then surely the answer has to be "thanks but no thanks"

If he is pressurising you to get back together to avoid him moving on then that's not a good sign. IMO it shoes a lack of respect for your needs and issues with the marriage.
I agree with the others who say he needs to sort himself out and show that he can be there for the DCs and focus on his family more than his work. He will probably find that very hard as it his work life balance will have become ingrained.
If he is really committed to you then he will be happy to wait and to give you a chance to do something for yourself and to find yourself, FWIW going to college is an excellent way to do this.

Counselling on your own would probably be helpful and a good source of support, if you can finance it.

I would stall - but very honestly. Say more or less what you've said here, he can't argue with it. Especially not about messing the kids around. Say you will revisit the question in 3 months (or whatever seems right) when you've both had a chance to settle into new lives, but in the meantime you won't prejudge anything, and he must use that time to do whatever is right for him. If he takes that as an invitation to "move on" then, well, that was his original plan after all. Nothing has really changed.

If he can't wait a few weeks or a couple of months then he's not worth having back, your instinct is telling you something, listen to it, it's rarely wrong. He might be all talk, until you see action, don't change anything. Why didn't he say all this before moving out???

Quite. He presumably thought his New Life was going to be exactly like the old one except free of all those tedious inconvenient demands for attention and consideration. The presumption has to be (sorry OP, I'm sure you are wonderful!) that he's mostly reeling from the shock that laundry doesn't do itself and that not living with your kids is a bit shit at this stage.

For goodness sake don't take him back just to avoid him moving on. If he really truly loves you and wants to change and get back together, he won't be thinking about moving on any time soon, surely? If you think he will just shrug and move on if you don't immediately take him back, then his commitment can't be real.
Please stick to your guns and make him wait. After years and years of broken promises he has a lot of rebuilding to do for you to trust him again, and that is going to take time and effort from him. Letting him back now would undo the good work that you have done. Maybe the shock therapy of moving out will actually get him to make real changes, but you'll never know if you let him straight back now.
I agree that you should set some sort of time limit eg 3 months and tell him that you will not even consider letting him back until then, and you will review the situation in light of his behaviour during that time.
Stay strong!!

Well if he's going to "move on", then he obviously doesn't love you THAT much, does he?!

You know you can't trust what he says because has has let you down before so the pressure is on HIM to prove that he has changed, whether that means changing his work life, counselling or whatever. And, even if he does change, you are STILL not obligated to take him back!

Do exactly what you say you want to do - work on yourself and enjoy the fact that you are happy right now. You don't owe him anything.

He admitted he didn't realise how much he loved me until he moved out.

17 years together and he only just realised that?

Could explain why you two had had "many years of problems".

It is handy for the DCs to see their father when he lives nearby but I really think you have to allow yourself time apart to think and trust yourself to know if your H actually enhances your life.

I'm with the MadBusLady and believe he has run out of clean undies, bought a new packet of 'em, those have run out too and probably realizes he can not do the Ivana Trump indefinitely and wear a new pair of panties everyday. (Or wear them insideout the second day, or go without...)

The "moving on" will be more about laundry,a hot dinner plated for him, and control of the remote, than love (or lack there of)...cynical moi.

What he said was a purely self-interested manipulation to use fear with "never being with him again" [my quotes]to make you doubt yourself. If he wants to put an ultimatum deadline on the circumstances, as is his right if he wants to, then I agree with the others who say a solid "No" is the right answer for you. Call his bluff. Perhaps, if he doesn't change, you will move on, and have already taken tangible steps to do so.

I got the impression from your posts that your gut feelng says ultimately he is not going to change: believe it. Going through the motions of counseling, saying what you want to hear, (See? He changed overnight...but how long will it last? Perhaps there are threads here about that.) etc etc will be prolonging the emotional rollercoaster. Children can thrive just fine with good parenting from parents who do not live together (and a half mile away is a perfect distance, imho).

Congratulations on making the leap!

Undies, nay knickers...
Out myself as a Yank from time to time.

I would stay separated.
Myself and dh went through this.
He moved out, his choice, I was brokenhearted. He immediately wanted to come back, begged me. Told me he would change. I told him I would only accept him back if he did x and y and vowed never, ever to do A and b again.

He promised he would. He did for around 3/4 weeks and everything was totally fantastic. then he just as quickly reverted back to type. we rowed, I told him I absolutely couldn't carry on as we were and we decided to separate. at the last minute he begged for another chance claiming that I and the dcs were all he wanted in life. I told him I really couldn't bare for him to hurt me again, he promised he wouldn't so I gave him yet another chance.

Guess what as the next weekend approached he packed a suitcase and left, telling me it would only be temporary so that he could really sort himself out this time.

We both cried and I was devastated.
I went to see a friend telling her it was only temporary and that I was leaving the door open. She then confessed to seeing him with ow. Told me what had been posted on facebook etc etc.

I am now filing for divorce.
H has never once been able to explain why he did this to me. Still denies adultery and yet one week after leaving was seen in our local pub slobbering all over her in front of our friends!