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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Really? Will this B*****d I'm married to never leave?

38 replies

Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 17:15

Hi All,
I could really do with some advice - I so sorry this is long...
I've been married for 13 years this month to a man who was EA from the beginning. I only opened my eyes to it 4/5 years ago with the help of WA. Discovered that pressing his forehead down onto mine and pinning my arms down were DV. I moved out of the bedroom 2 years ago and have finally found the strength to try to end our marriage. We did have Marriage Guidance Counselling back in the days when I thought things could change, but H treated it as a joke.
I have to ask for the mortgage every month as he is on benefits (claims to be too depressed to work - all fabricated).
I've asked H to leave family home and was told that I could "F off but kids are staying here" (3 DC 10, 8 & 5). H left to work in UK at beginning of year (we live in Ireland) & I posted on here contemplating moving with kids to UK but he came back for DD's communion and is still here. I have no family here - just good friends, all with young families.
Things have deteriorated & got nasty in April when he was VA to me - ranting and gaslighting for about 10 minutes & ended with him standing in front of me. WA advised to try for a barring order. Hearing was in June & it wasn't granted. H is a convincing & manipulative liar and lied under oath. I was not convincing or manipulative nor am I a liar, plus I couldn't get my tongue down off the roof of my mouth with nerves. My solicitor was terrible too.
Unbelievably, I found out from DS1 a couple of days afterwards that H had told him all about the court hearing. What kind of wk*r does that to a child? All I could do was reassure DS1 that his Dad and I love him and that we are trying to sort things out about who lives where.
H has rented a house locally & has been able to get some, if not all, his rent paid with Rent Allowance. However, he refuses to go and live in it. I've tried having a conversation with him and reassuring him that we will share our time with the DCs but H trots out the usual "the kids need me" line. There is also a chance that he may leave again for work in UK and "couldn't things just stay the way they are", basically him coming to stay here when visiting DCs. When I said NO he turned into crazy man again.
Needless to say he is still living in family home & I am now faced with looking for somewhere to rent with the kids as he refuses to move out.
FFS. Is this man-child ever going to do the right thing and leave? I'm so worried about the effects this is having on the children & just want us to split quickly but this is just dragging on.
Any advice? I sound like a loon reading that back. I should just look for somewhere to rent and leave shouldn't I ?

OP posts:
BatwingsAndButterflies · 01/08/2013 17:52

Can you get the police to come and remove him? Cite his violence towards you. Also divorce him quicksmart so that the boundaries are fully coded.

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 18:18

Thanks Batwings. I can't legally remove him from the house without a court order & I've tried & failed to get one. He has been offered work in uk & I hope that the lure of cash will prove too tempting.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 18:23

I've an appt with a solicitor in 2 weeks re Legal Separation Grin

OP posts:
Mixxy · 01/08/2013 19:12

That's the best decision. Good for you.

chipmonkey · 01/08/2013 20:14

Is the house in negative equity, Clouds?

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 20:39

Hi chip monkey, no house is not in neg equity, tho not much above it & property market beyond shite here

OP posts:
goodjambadjar · 01/08/2013 20:44

I don't think he's going to leave, sorry. From the sounds of things he's using the kids and the house as further control over you. Speak to everyone you can to get advice about leaving him, the police, WA, etc. I'm so sorry he's being such a bastard. Sad and Thanks

chipmonkey · 01/08/2013 20:45

Just wondering if you could force a sale and each buy a smaller place? Not that you should have to! I know it's a buyer's market but the plus side is that if you got a sale, you could get another place for a good price. But you're right the market is terrible here.

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 21:05

Yes, he uses the kids as a shield, makes sure he is not alone with me so I can't have any reasonable conversation with him. He is flailing around a bit now that I know he has a house. It's pathetic Confused
I might have to consider a court ordered sale as I'm sure he's not adult enough to keep up with mortgage repayments or dialogue with the bank.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 21:06

Thanks for flowers good jam

OP posts:
Dahlen · 01/08/2013 21:10

I think you have to accept that this is one of those situations where you have to walk away from the house. It's not right and it's not fair, but he's not going to go, and the cost to your mental health and your DC's welfare if you stay and try to make him go is simply not worth it.

Mixxy · 01/08/2013 21:27

You said your solicitor was terrible. Would you take a further gander into better ones in Dublin maybe?

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 21:43

I am coming to terms with the fact that I may have to walk away Dahlen. Not prepared to just yet as I hear that he prob is going to uk & I hope to have something legal clothes in bin bags in place before he returns.

OP posts:
Dahlen · 01/08/2013 21:46

Fingers crossed for you that he does it soon then. Flowers

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 22:01

Thanks Dahlene, I'm sure you're right & it will be a waste of time.
Mixxy, I will def be looking for better representation for nex time

OP posts:
BerylStreep · 01/08/2013 22:17

Clouds are you in NI or the republic?

The fact he is receiving benefits for the other address must surely strengthen your case if you need to report matters to the police?

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 01/08/2013 23:31

Beryl thanks for pointing that out. I'm in the republic & am getting legal advice in a couple of weeks. I'm keeping a journal hoping that might help.

OP posts:
Noregrets78 · 01/08/2013 23:32

clouds I really feel for you - My H agreed to move out, but took months to do it. He also had another place all lined up to go to, which I declared he 'wanted' to go to, but kept trying to get something in return - whether more money, sleeping with him, dropping my solicitor etc etc etc. In the end I just cracked on with the divorce while we were still living together - you could do that, and then at least you know that progress is being made. Once he gets the message that it's properly over, he might go.

in the end things got bad enough one night that I called 999 and he was removed from the house. Only for one night, but after that he decided to leave anyway. I think the shame of the neighbours helped... Do consider calling 999 if he scares you - it also helps the case if you ever did go for an occupation order again.

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 02/08/2013 00:07

Thanks Noregrets, I hope that by applying for Legal Separation/divorce it will become a reality for H. Jesus, otherwise what else can I do? How ridiculous is this situation? I have another house, being paid for by the state but I'm not going to go & live in it?! Twat
Glad I'm not alone tho Noregrets Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 02/08/2013 00:07

Thanks Noregrets, I hope that by applying for Legal Separation/divorce it will become a reality for H. Jesus, otherwise what else can I do? How ridiculous is this situation? I have another house, being paid for by the state but I'm not going to go & live in it?! Twat
Glad I'm not alone tho Noregrets Smile

OP posts:
Mixxy · 02/08/2013 00:34

Will he lose his disability benefits if he does go to work in the UK?

ProgressivelyLoweringStandards · 02/08/2013 00:56

Could you get the locks changed when he's out and do the bin bags thing-?

TheSilverySoothsayer · 02/08/2013 01:30

Could he give up the tenancy on the other place and let you go there? Long shot but I am just trying to think through options...

chipmonkey · 02/08/2013 10:47

I think you're not supposed to get the locks changed if the other person still owns the house.

Original poster
Cloudsgotinmyway · 02/08/2013 13:04

Mixxy - I have no idea, I hope so - he's dishonest though so I doubt it. As soon as he's gone I'll be looking for single parent support until I can find work.
Progressive & Chip - Chip's right, also I don't want to be the one in the wrong. In the eyes of the law and the eyes of my children. My worst nightmare would be H banging on the door to be let in.
I am contemplating doing the clothes in bin bags thing, loading his van with his pitiful belongings and leaving it outside the house he is getting the state to pay for Wink

OP posts:
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