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Original poster

a non sex related date is more nerve-wracking than one involving sex

44 replies

swallowedAfly · 01/08/2013 13:28

am i insane or does anyone get it?

new guy who i met through friends when out and ended up spending the night with and all the next day and then meeting up again a few days later and it also involving spending the night.

much texting since and tonight we're meeting up for a quick drink as he's passing through where i live but can't stay for long.

why is this making me more nervous than going out both of us drinking and with sex inevitable at the end of it?

for a bit of context i very rarely see anyone and it is even rarer that they are nice, sorted, openly like me and don't seem to have issues about liking someone kind of man so i am feeling a bit... out of comfort zone maybe?

OP posts:
cjel · 03/08/2013 10:49

Doesn't sound like it will go quiet!! How exciting!!x

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 10:54

not sure - apparently when tipsy i told him he came across as cold and emotionally attached (i'm a charmer me!). i'm sure he will have a moment of clarity soon and run for the hills.

OP posts:
Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 11:04

do you know what though even if nothing comes of it it has reminded me of a few things.

a) there are still good men about
b) it is possible to have fantastic sex with a 'nice' guy
c) i don't actually want to be fucking about with idiots just because there's a spark there.

OP posts:
Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 11:05

it has also reminded me that all the best relationships i've actually had were slow burners and developed rather than being high drama intensity outsets.

i may be growing up a bit.

OP posts:
cjel · 03/08/2013 11:07

Its easy to read 'long term life partner' into everything isn't it? like you say you have had a positive experience with a lovely man who has taught good things so if you never hear from him again you're moving in the right direction.
But I bet that won't happenx

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 14:10

it's probably part of the fear factor as well of suddenly wondering actually do i want a long term partner? he clearly isn't just after me for sex or because his brain has gone into crazy-craving state because of chemistry which means if anything does come of it it has to be an actual proper relationship.

i really don't know if i'm capable of an actual proper relationship anymore (if i ever was) or how the hell that would work in the reality of my life or his life or if i'm ready to have all of my 'ishoos' show up and dance around in my face having to be dealt with. does that last bit make sense? it's like relationships bring it all up and out don't they? there's no avoiding your crap because it's all being triggered.

for all the oh your life must be so hard as a single mum and oh i'm so busy working and doing everything without any support bollocks it's actually rather easy this way. i can ignore myself quite effectively.

OP posts:
Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 14:11

god and have those dancing ishoos witnessed by another human being Shock

OP posts:
Llareggub · 03/08/2013 14:14

Blimey I could have started this thread. I totally get what you are saying.

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:17

yuk to showing issues!!I've had years of counselling and I think that's why I have been like a single old lady for 2 years! I am going to expect so much from new bloke not sure good shoes and own teeth would do it!! I have my own little place I have done up myself and they'd have to be pretty special teeth for me to share!!! Yes I d the i'm so lonely crap but as you say it probably isn't that bad really

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 03/08/2013 14:22

less good or bad than familiar and safe i think.

and familiar and safe doesn't challenge you or make you 'see' yourself.

llare do elaborate please!

OP posts:
Llareggub · 03/08/2013 14:51

Well. I am a single parent too. I like living alone.

I also have a best friend, lets call him Peter. We dated in our teens, then again in our 20s, then I dumped him for my exH. When I separated, we picked up our friendship again where we left off but all too soon we had drink fuelled evenings and plenty of good sex. I'd rather spend time with him, knowing that we don't have a marriage type future together than a possible romantic date with a suitable man.

Living together would never work for us. We like fun stuff together, not day to day life. I've tried dates with other men but I can't do it. It just doesn't work for me. I get stupidly nervous but also spend a lot of my time thinking that Peter would totally have got my joke and laughed stupidly whereas the date will just look a bit confused.

Without sounding totally ridiculous, I've had a few potential dates lately but I've got cold feet at the last moment. I use all sorts of excuses not to go. They've all been nice men, with great personalities.

I posted a thread recently about what makes a good relationship. I've only ever had bad ones, with a running theme of me being with someone that needs me to help them in some way. I think I am a bit scared of people who don't. I think I need therapy too!

cjel · 04/08/2013 21:08

How you doing? have you heard from him?x

SomewhereBeyondTheSea · 04/08/2013 21:13

I totally do this too. This is why I'm not dating anymore. No point, I either pick losers or sabotage good 'uns. I'm a moron.

mcmooncup · 05/08/2013 00:02

There's a book.......Women Who Love too Much.

It properly sorts out this picking out the shit heads - the title does it no justice - it's addiction to relationship drama. Letting the good/ 'boring' ones pass you by.

I'm actually early days into an identical situation......properly nice guy.....it weirds me out big style. I'm hanging in there even though it frequently makes me want to weep....not in a sad / drama relationship way, a sort of odd 'release' cry. Normal apparently Hmm

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 05/08/2013 00:09

totally get the odd 'release' bit mcmoon. seriously.

haven't heard from him for a couple of days but he is in north wales so...

we shall see.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 05/08/2013 00:19

You are not a moron! If you are lots of us are because it seems common. I am never going out with anyone else who is a deadbeat. I don't set out to do it but after the last one it has finally dawned on me. My last two exes are currently unemployed and work shy, broke, no car, self obsessed and act like victims. It's just a pity it took til my mid 40s for it to sink in. It seems so obvious now. Think I was so grateful or something, God knows. Anyway I think I will be single for a while. Maybe I might meet a nice doctor one day or an accountant.

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 05/08/2013 08:41

oh no, not a doctor. male doctors have a high risk of god complex ime. though i can't know if they take it home with them i can't imagine them actually shaking it off as they leave work.

OP posts:
whitesugar · 05/08/2013 10:29

Ok doctor off the list, thanks for heads up!

Original poster
swallowedAfly · 06/08/2013 09:16

this guy is computer geek of some sort - web stuff.

but i haven't heard from him a few days so i think it's quite possible i have put him off.

OP posts:
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