I've Just Received the Social Services Report

[samsungsing]

Hello All,

I normally stick to my thread re: reporting my abusers, but something has happened today. I desperately need advice.

I requested the records held by social services, regarding my horrific childhood. I got them in this mornings post, by way of special delivery.

It confirms everything I have been protesting and more. Social Services noted that they should start child protection measures, but never acted upon it.

I am resisting the very strong urge to send an email to my mother with the report attached. I expect nothing from doing so - I just want her to read the opinion of someone external to the family.

I dont know what to do. I was scared that they would find nothing on record - but they have and more. This is freaking me out. It's massive validation, but at the same time I am feeling something else. What that is, I am not too sure. Could it be grief? I thought I had already mourned this situation over the years.

I don't know your story op but that must have been a real shock and very difficult to take in. Do you have someone in rl you can talk about this with and who will support you?
If you mean by reporting your abusers that you have involved the police then I don't think you should be sending these sensitive documents to anyone without carefully thinking through the consequences or what might be jeopardised by doing so...

QueenQueenie

Many thanks. Yes I do have someone I can talk to in rl. Just trying to fight the urge to act on impulse is all. Yes. Very difficult to take in.

Maybe you had always nursed the hope that you were exaggerating, that your mother was a loving mummy and you were a horrible child. Bizarrely, it's a much more comfortable thought than whet you've had confirmed today.

I think you ought to see a councillor x

Samsung I have no wise words, but you do have time, perhaps wait for better advice on this thread,chalk to your RL friend, you can do something, but I know for myself when I am dealing with emotional stuff, it's better to take some time and thought ....
I don't know your story, but wanted to send you some hugs and strength for whatever you choose to do.

I've been here.

OP, I'd recommend putting the report away for a few days. It'll be hard, and you'll want to keep running back and checking things, but give your brain time to process and heal. Don't let yourself act on impulse.

Then sit down with it in a few days and look again. It's a lot clearer then. Your brain is ready, and it's calmer and less....alarming. Have a notebook nearby incase you want to note anything down.

If you act in haste, you risk the investigation.

This hurts, a lot, so look after yourself. Seeing it written by an external agency makes you feel bizarrely failed - other people knew what was happening, but did nothing. I felt very alone, and like I couldn't trust anybody. It also reminded me of things I'd pushed out of my mind. That's normal. It may well happen to you, too.

I read your other thread. What you've done required great strength and resolve. This news will also test you, it's an awful lot for one person to hold, and I'd add my voice to the suggestions of counselling. You could also ask for an appointment with social services. Essentially they failed you by failing to act when it was clear that they should. They may have a social worker who can talk through what happened and didn't happen.
Something like this can floor you, coming after you thought the hardest part was done. Please seek rl support.

Validation is so important whan you get it. I can't compare any of my very minor experiences of it to yours as mine have been work related and a break up related so not even 1 percent of your experience I can say I felt anger, grief, elated, relief and calm all at the same time. It isnt you, it isnt all in your head!

Let it sink in. Then use it as a platfirm to re build from.

Hi Samsung, I remember you.

You can process this with a counsellor and on MN. It must feel like you want to go straight to the top but process things elsewhere first. So many feelings, so many contradictory emotions, it must be a whirlwind in there. Let it out in a safe place first.

Do you have a therapist?

i had a confirmation recently of some things that i already knew happened to me in childhood. Others who were children at the time saw things and described them eg me in a particular room crying. I can remember the incidents that led up to what they saw and the feelings of helplessness came flooding back.
There is knowing and actually reexperiencing it imo.
I think it is grief, my heart actually keened for my little self.
Look after yourself op ...you need time not to lash out on impulse..apart from legal issues it would br dreadfull to have your mum behave the way she always has
x

colditz yes. Even though I knew it couldn't possibly be so, I did hope for that to be the case.

iwantavuvezela thank you. I will take time to figure out what do next. I shall speak with friends and my therapist.

CajaDeLaMemoria I will take your advice. I will remove it from my desk and place it in my book cupboard for the next few days. Thanks.

JollyGolightly thanks. I have requested an appointment with social services. Many thanks for that. Really appreciate the suggestion. Instead of going into 'hulk smash' mode, I will use that energy constructively. Yes - 'floored'.

IKnewHouseworkWasDangerous yes validation is important, but it's also dangerous. Have felt all those emotions - now just numb.

buildingmycorestrength yes exactly - a whirlwind. Feels like I am in the peaceful core of a tornado. Eerily peaceful though numbness, but surrounded by torrents of emotions. Yes I have a therapist. We will be meeting once a week to discuss my childhood etc.

pollywollydoodle yes. The helplessness, flashbacks, etcs are all very disturbing - especially re experiencing it all. Yes grief.

I am also awaiting the report from the hospital, regarding sexual abuse. Think I will open that report whilst with my therapist. I don't think it's wise to open that one alone. Had I known what was inside of today's report, I would have opened it in a controlled environment.

Thank you ladies for your advice. Really appreciate it.

Any chance you can email or leave a message with therapist, just to get rid of the feeling of being alone with this news?

And don't forget the Samaritans if you need to get it out sooner than your session.

And....can you for a run/swim/bike ride to burn off the adrenaline? Or do you have calming medication that might help on this particularly awful day?

Caja may have had some insights for you. Also writing it down, as the days pass, and things move (things always move). Can I also recommend lots of rest.

It could be grief, after all it tends to come in waves, perhaps you are in some final stages of this? Seeing it all in B&W would inevitably bring this around.

Re. sending the report to your mother. Acting on impulse can be a v. good thing, it depends though, and if you can clarify to yourself why the hesitation, that might help. I think only you are in possession of all the facts and circumstances to decide what to do. Very strong impulses and very strong energy IMO can be a positive thing, but you are obviously feeling some restraint too, for whatever reason. But only you can tell.

Sending you all the best, love and warmth, in this hot but also maybe liberating time x

buildingmycorestrength I dont think I could have coped with attempting to contact my therapist and not being able to get through. That would have made it worse, so I avoided it.

I emailed the samaritans and am still waiting to hear back from them. As mentioned above, I did call and email social services. The head of complaints has got back to me and I am to speak with her tomorrow, after I go to a drop in support group.

I wish I could run/swim/bike ride to burn of the adrenaline, but at present I am 8 months pregnant, so quite limited in what I can do.

ARealDame Thanks. Resting my body is one thing, but resting my mind is another.

See - if I were to send the report to my mother, that would leave me vulnerable. I would (of course) hear nothing back from her. I hesitated because in my sending it to her, would that not be a way of seeking acknowledgement from her? An acknowledgement that I would NEVER get - especially as there is proof in black and white.

I need to investigate how much leverage this report gives me in the grand scale of things. The police haven't been pro-active in any regard, so I need to speak to a solicitor and see what both reports can instigate.

I do work in the legal field, but this is something I would rather not work on personally. Hated my seat in family law. So traumatic. I need the filtration of information via a solicitor. It's too raw.

Well done today. You seem to sort of know what you need right now (although you probably just feel quite crazy with it all). A very hard day.

Do you think some kind of relaxation exercise would help? I have found great videos on YouTube that are self-hypnosis to relax the mind and body. They are wonderful even when I am feeling very keyed up but obviously you are in quite an extreme situation right now. My favourite is 'Take control of your mind' on the channel nlpmagic. About 20 minutes long. I do it almost every day.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy as well. I felt completely bovine at the 8 month stage, can't imagine having to process such enormous news as this.

Many thanks building.

I will try out the relaxation videos tonight.

I did at the bovine comment. Already at that stage! Thanks for the well wishes. Much appreciated.

how are you doing op?

Hi polly

I am well thanks. Thanks for asking.

Have just instructed a solicitor to take on social services, as I am in no position to do it myself. They are extremely confident in this being settled out of Court.

Now that the dust has settled, I tend to find myself reflecting (/having flashbacks) quite a bit, so trying to distract myself with golf, friends, shopping, galleries etc.

good news from the solicitor......they usually seem to hedge their bets so they must be confident.
It sounds like you are doing everything righ to manage your flashbacks ie think about them in a safe therapeutic space, distract yourself so they don't become overwhelming and change your role (you were powerless and unheard but your actions mean that you are not now)....good luck