How do you deal with the "pain"?

[MrsPear]

So my marriage has been rubbish for a long time now. DH gambles and is rarely home. He doesn't help much with the kids either - plays with them if in the mood and takes DS1 for a haircut or the park if he feels up for it. He basically comes home and showers then goes out again. However, when he was in a good mood he was at least affectionate. Despite everything I love him so much and I just want him to be the man I thought I married. I would like company in the evenings and have date nights (I hate that phase) but it is not going to happen. Last night I told him with a smile to come here as I just wanted a cuddle (we were in the kitchen with the children) and he looked at me well funny and worried and asked "why?". He then came and stood next to me looking awkward - so he is not even being affectionate when in good mood now. So that is it isn't. but I am hurting. How do I move on. How do i make myself do that? As one lady said to me I need to stop being a door mat but how? And how on earth can I stop bloody crying. I feel so stupid and pathetic.

Sounds like we have a lot in common. I don't have a quick solution though, I'm afraid. Best I can offer is that actually you don't love HIM. You love the man you thought or hoped he was but that man doesnt exist so you are grieving for the loss of a dream. Is such a sad feeling. I'm just beginning to move on now but I had to absolutely hit the bottom first.
Don't wait for a "final straw" type of event. There probably won't be anything so severe that it trumps your hopes and excuses. I mean, what would he have to do? Knock you unconscious? My boundaries slipped and slipped as I accepted more and more whilst clinging on to the hope that the person I loved would suddenly reappear. He didnt. He had never existed. Me taking more and more crap whilst getting sadder and sadder certainly wasnt going to turn him in to a loving husband.
Go with your gut. You know he's not treating you with love and respect. You shouldnt need to ask for something as basic as that. I just woke up 3 days ago and realised I'd had enough of pinning my hopes on a selfish, angry man so I just phoned a solicitor. I feel so much better already as at least I'M treating me with respect now.
Don't feel bad about crying. It just means that you are a decent, loving, compassionate person. Feel free to pm me if it would help. Look after yourself. It's not you.