Advice needed re ex h

[Alexia12]

My ex is refusing to tell mr when he is going to see dc (boys aged 13 and 16) he sees for about four hours once a week, his descion/choice. This is causing a great deal of stress as he will let one child know when he is going to see them but not the other and has been on very short notice like today the boys had a half hour notice! Not sure what to do that isn't going to upset dc, help please!

Didn't you have an agreement in your divorce? Talk to the boys about what you and they think is reasonable and then help them follow through and say no to him and his silly controlling ways. Are the boys getting stressed or is it just you?

We divorced some years ago with a plan that he would see boys two nights a week. This has never been kept to and over the years there have been big probs with him keeping to arrangements, altering at last min, arriving late, bringing back early without telling me etc, to the point he was told he wasnt ging to see the dc. Various solicitors letters, took him to court to get child support that hadn't been paid...
We are all stressed by this. Eldest has said repeatedly he doesn't like having to be messenger (has ADHD, finds it diff to convey all the info) and youngest is on autistic spectrum and needs to know things in advance.

Are you keeping a diary of all this? Contact is for the benefit of the dcs, NOT the absent parent. If the dcs are telling you they are distressed by the current situation you can refuse to allow it to continue as it is. I had to do this in the end. Xh took me to court (he does love his little moments of power!). I represented myself (very simple, CAFCASS officer extremely supportive), sent a copy of my diary to both the court and xh's solicitor beforehand (didnt want to look like I was being unfair and witholding info), judge wiped the floor with xh and made him apologise to me (hadnt been expecting that outcome!). Judge was v clear that any contact that took place was to benefit ds, and that being the case xh was to fit round his needs, NOT the other way around.

Log everything and don't be afraid to stand up for the best interests of your dc.

At their age they can (at least the eldest) refuse contact. The eldest can arrange contact for when he wants.

I would empower them both to tell their father (preferably email or text) when they want to see him, and to learn the phrase "Sorry that isn't convenient".
For the youngest send a timetable for a month or so at a time, and allow your youngest to stick rigidly to it. If he can't keep to it, then that is his problem. If your sons are willing to be flexible that is okay, but if they aren't then he will have to learn.