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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

stopping contact advice please

17 replies

CastroIsDead · 31/07/2013 23:04

not sure if this is the right place. basically just want some opinions if im doing the right thing or not.
split up with ex when ds was a tiny baby he's now 4. sees his dad at weekends. ex has an alcohol problem which was the reason we split.
the rules for contact are he doesn't drink whilst looking after ds which i don't think is unreasonable.
he's a good dad when sober ds loves him misses him in the week but he has broken the rules on more than one occasion and when dripping ds at the weekend was drunk.
i don't want to stop contact but feel like im banging my head against a brick wall have told him so many times its not acceptable to drink. i can't just go on making empty threats and i need to protect my ds.
so angry and worried for my son. he deserves better than this just don't know what to do to cause the least upset and damage in the short and long term. if anything happened to him while ex is drunk i would never forgive myself but by stopping contact im scared he will hate me when he grows up or go down the wrong path in life.
sorry that's such a ramble

OP posts:

HeySoulSister · 31/07/2013 23:06

Had he been driving?

Rules? Is contact court ordered?

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 31/07/2013 23:10

no not driving.
not court ordered, its always been 1day at the weekend agreed between us.

OP posts:

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 31/07/2013 23:12

always except when i stopped contact 18 months ago for the same reasons. he said he would get a solicitor to get contact but didn't. i feel like he's backing me into a corner

OP posts:

tittytittyhanghang · 31/07/2013 23:28

Dont think you could stop contact unless you can prove ex is placing ds in danger? How much does he drink and he is he in sole charge of Ds? if he is only having a couple then i dont see the problem. Or if he is drunk but there is someone else present like his mother?

However if he is getting falling down drunk whilst in sole charge of your ds then i would be making equiries with a solicitor/ss?

junipergin · 31/07/2013 23:34

This sounds like my dad. My mum divorced him when i was 18 mths due to his drinking but she never wanted to stop me seeing him, luckily he has never driven. Like your ex, my dad used to see me for one day every weekend, i think the only reason my mum allowed it was because he usually used to take me to his parents (nan and grandad) every week for sunday dinner. He never had me to stay overnight. At least then, if he had been drinking (which did happen), there were other people to keep an eye on me. Does your ex see him on his own or can he take him anywhere (like responsible friends or family) ?. I know this is so hard as you dont want to stop your ds seeing his dad but its not as easy to say to an alcoholic not to drink, with the best intentions in the world, they often will :(. Now im older i can see why i had that r. ship with my dad but i am pleased that my mum didnt stop me from seeing him.

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 31/07/2013 23:45

he is placing him in danger if he's drunk.
he was drunk. not falling down but drunk enough im worried if ds had an accident or something if ex had to take him to hospital or the police saw them ss would get involved.
he can take him anywhere they usually stay in town whilst i work. his mum isn't around. i guess there are other people in the pub but i don't want ds being in a pub all day, he deserves better than that.

OP posts:

junipergin · 31/07/2013 23:52

No, its not right him being in the pub all day with him, not a good example anyway and the other people in the pub will probably be drunk and not responsible either :(. I dont know what to say but your ds does deserve better than that. Feel for you x

notanyanymore · 31/07/2013 23:53

I think you HAVE to stop contact in those circs, surely?

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 31/07/2013 23:58

yes i think so notany- really didn't want it to come to this but i would never forgive myself if anything happened. I've made my feelings clear so many times and he just disrespects that and what is best for ds.
maybe if he gets help with the drink he can have him or come here to see him.
he doesn't think he's got a problem because he can stop which he does for months sometimes but then inevitably starts again and we just go round

OP posts:

tallwivglasses · 01/08/2013 00:01

He needs a dads' group. Do you think he'd go to something like that? Try Surestart or local council. Even if they can't offer anything, they might know someone who can.

Not that it should be your job - but if something can be worked out all three of you will benefit. Hope it all works out for you, I know how draining all this can be x

NumTumDeDum · 01/08/2013 00:03

I'd post in Legal, lots of family lawyers post there. Essentially though, if you stop contact unilaterally, you are not in breach of an order, as there isn't one. The consequences are 1. Your dc won't see dad and the relationship may suffer as a result. 2. Your ex may take legal advice (although unlikely unless he can pay as no legal aid now) and he may issue an application for contact.

In respect of 1. This is a natural consequence of ignoring your requests not to drink. You have to balance your child's need to be protected from risk of harm with his need to see his father. Only you know how serious the drinking is and whether your reaction is appropriate.

In relation to 2. As long as you had a genuine concern about dc's safety/emotional well being (risk isn't limited to physical harm and neglect from drink - it can be emotionally damaging to a child to have a drinker for a parent) and you explain to dad why you are stopping contact then you are acting reasonably. A court would examine your reasons, a Child and Family Court Advisory Support Service (Cafcass) would prepare a report making recommendations and hair strand tests can be required to gauge how heavy the drinking is. However, as I mentioned above, unless he can pay for representsion himself, he would be making the application alone. This deters many people from going ahead.

Have you suggested mediation to try and discuss your fears in depth? Of course, if he is not willing to engage in discussion then you are left with little choice.

tittytittyhanghang · 01/08/2013 00:04

Taking him down the pub all day isnt a suitable environment and getting drunk whilst in a pub with a child is pretty shitty. People in the pub dont count as other people responsible for your child. Cant you report him the police whilst he is getting drunk in the pub with your ds. Maybe hearing it from someone in authority might make his realise it is not acceptable?

perfectstorm · 01/08/2013 00:09

I'd locate your nearest contact centre and say you want contact to happen there, loosely supervised (ie in the centre, with staff around, but without staff interfering. So your son would be safe, but still see his dad). I would also contact ss and express your concerns. Stress there's no court order and you aren't being obstructive at all - you want your son to have a relationship with his dad and in fact have always fostered that - but you need to know he's safe, and an alcoholic isn't going to make that happen.

That way you are trying to set up safe contact, but also making a record of your ex's issues in case he does actually bother to try to take legal action - unlikely, from all you've said, especially as he'd have to self-represent.

You have nothing legally stopping you, as has been noted. There is no legal order in place to force contact. And your main and primary role as a parent is to ensure your kids are physically and emotionally safe. An alcoholic is anything but. You are being totally reasonable to worry about this one.

perfectstorm · 01/08/2013 00:09

Should say that I don't even know if you can self-refer to a contact centre, which is why asking SS to advise might be a really good idea.

MagicHouse · 01/08/2013 00:43

I think you have to stop contact. If you don't, knowing that your ex is drunk while looking after your son, then you are in effect condoning this. I do understand what you are going through - worrying whether you are doing the right thing and wanting to support your LO having a relationship with his dad, but sometimes there are situations (like yours) where it is perfectly reasonable to stop contact. I think you need to contact an outside agency for support (eg hv/ ss) and take it from there. If you say that you want to maintain a your son's relationship with his father, but that you are worried, I think you will be listened to.

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 01/08/2013 08:49

thanks for all the advice.
i dont want to get social services involved but i think mediation can only be a good thing.
i wish he could just be a good dad without causing all this extra stress and work for me I've got enough to do. i have let it happen because i need ex to have ds at the weekend so i can work. now i can't work this weekend im losing a big chunk of my money and won't get maintenance either. so angry with him

OP posts:

Original poster

CastroIsDead · 01/08/2013 19:58

have posted in legal also. regarding maintenance- because he gave me the money at handover and that won't be happening now does anybody know about csa
how long does a claim take?
how much should he be paying?
if they charge to make a claim and to collect the money how much is that likely to be?
if we came up with an agreement between us can he use my bank details to take out rather than pay into my account?

OP posts:

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