zero intimacy- is this why i dont want to have sex?

[Irishchic]

Our sex life has stalled. We have been having some arguments lately, but in the last few weeks dh has been making an effort to do more with the kids and on the domestic front.

The problem is this just isnt working for me. I just cant help thinking of all the things we dont have/do together, and feel totally disconnected from him.

We are going away for a weekend in a month for my birthday, but this is with another couple, the other guy instigated it. I dont mind who instigated it but i am not really looking forward to it as i think my dh is going to assume there will be sex, and i just dont want it.

Just to give you a picture. He wont hold my hand in public, say if we are out walking around. He says he feels daft and silly doing this, we live in a small town, and he doesnt want to be seen holding his wifes hand as he thinks this is sort of pathetic looking.

In the evenings, we have our meal, then he goes in to one room to watch all his tv shows and do stuff on iPad. I stay in the other tv room and watch girlie stuff. If i go into the room with him, he makes it clear i am interrupting his tv time.

In the rare event we are watching a movie or programme together he sits on one sofa and me on another, we never sit on the same sofa, and never curl up together, he seems to feel really uncomfortable if i am leaning against him or cuddled in to him.

He has an abhorrence of feet, so never ever touches my feet or gives me a foot rub, and sometimes picks the skin on his feet when watching tv which i have told him i find disgusting, but he still does it.

When i talk to him, i sense he is bored or not listening. Often when we are with other people and i am in the middle of telling an anecdote he will just cut across me and totally change the subject and cut me off. I really dont think he does this on purpose, but he is just totally disinterested in what i have to say and therefore thinks nothing of cutting me off.

God. This all reads awful. This has been going on for years, but for some reason is only beginning to upset and anger me in the last month. I feel like i have suddenly woken up and thought enough! this is not good enough. This is not meeting my needs at all. And so I just cant have sex any more as i feel i would just be going through the motions and i am just not prepared to do that.

But i dont know what it is that i CAN do to help improve my marriage.

I recognise the separate sofas, different rooms, no togetherness, more interest in others than in you, making time for others I mean.

I felt resentful, put upon and not in the mood! Ex H used to boast to others how many tvs we had so we could watch whatever we wanted. To the point where we could be watching same programme in different rooms and talk about said programme during the ads. He'd bring me tea. Like that was foreplay.

It's called being taken for granted. Time for a wake up call. Mine woke up and went the other way, controlling and smothering. Too late, either way wasn't good enough.

I rarely watch TV now!

OP tell him to pack a bigger bag for the weekend and find somewhere else to stay. He is taking you for a total mug.

He sounds like the kind of person who would resent 3rd party involvement and would just revert to type anyway.

Are sure you love him? How can you when he treats you like this? The love I had for my husband totally eroded. I felt invisible, unloved and unappreciated. I ended up on Prozac for 2 years just to get by.

I invested more time with my DCs, parents and good friends. I also ended up having an EA with an acquaintance, totally wrong I know but I got my head turned by his attention and compliments. This gave me the strength to end my marriage. I am having some me time now and I if ever do get lonely I think I'll never be as lonely as the last 3 years of my marriage.

Mexican I dont even care at this stage. To be honest, I am looking forward to having a weekend of peace, just me and the kids. I do believe that he is the one who is really missing out here.

Actually I am spending the weekend writing a huge long letter to him telling him exactly how i feel. It is easier to write it all out when i am on my own and calm, than if i was trying to tell him all this stuff while he was in front of me, cos i would get sidetracked and distracted.

This is very cathartic just getting it all out.

I will present it to him on his return and see what his response is.

Good idea. Putting it down in writing does help. Am here if you need to vent.

If he's interested he needs counselling, as being that emotionally detached is not normal for a healthy relationship.
His behaviour (not necessarily his character) sounds very selfish as he plans his 'bachelor' life style when he has you and dc to consider, this has to be rectified to save your relationship, but it may not be easy if its a culture that's been allowed to develop over time & may require chipping away at.
The other aspect that would concern me in your situation is who is he spending time with on all these trips away? As they clearly have priority over the family (your family) and family activities? Is it male friends, or overbearing family putting the pressure on, or ( and I really hate to say it) is there a female friend, platonic or otherwise?
He needs to wake up and smell the flowers.

Thanks Mexican thats good to know .

Mamamidwife His behaviour certainly is very selfish, and yes, i feel we (me and the kids) have to fit in around him and his plans.

I know who he is going away with. It is either golfing buddies, or often its his younger brothers, or his cousin who is married but has no kids. At the moment he is away with his youngest brother, (9years younger than dh, and no kids) and a friend of the younger brother, a single guy, and his cousin.

He is emotionally detached. How come i never noticed this when i met him? Actually the only time he does express emotion really is when he is really drunk, and gets all maudlin about stuff, even teary eyed, but that to me is not honest emotion, it is drink induced and he cannot even remember it the next day. His emotions are so bloody repressed they can only be expressed through the distorted prism of alcoholic influence.

Being emotionally detached or repressed as you so rightly put it will not foster intimacy. I think once you have aired your thoughts and feelings, seeing a counsellor separately and together would be a way forward. Whatever has caused him to repress himself needs weeding out, and may take some digging. Do you think he would see a counsellor?
It's good your putting it down on paper, as this really helps clarify thoughts I think. I hope it clears your head for when he returns

Mama I know. We went to relate a few years ago, on and off for a couple of years, i gave up on it, as there was only the one counsellor available, (we live in a very rural area) and she was no good at tackling the issues, it all stayed very much on the surface, like she never delved into my dh's emotional detachment issue, preferring to just suggest we had date nights and make more time for each other, when i knew that really wasnt going to solve our problems long term.

Much of what you have written applied to my marriage.

The breaking point for me was the lack of involvement in myself and the dcs. My h would plan various nights out/weekends away with friends and then show a total lack of interest in doing exciting things with me or the dcs.

He moaned about lack of sex yet how can you have sex with someone who is out all hours drinking with friends whilst I was alone and lonely in the house?

Finally he left and I was distraught, then the light bulb moment occurred in my head and I told h not to come back.
Of course he didn't like this he wanted to enjoy the benefits of a married life and yet lead a single life too.

It is early days for us but I am seeking a divorce.

Not to alarm you but there was another woman and I have discovered that h's "single lifestyle" has left us in debt.

My advice to you is you cannot make someone behave in a way that they don't want to. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult.

Good luck in whatever you decide but you have the absolute right to be happy in life.

My husband is just like yours, I am planning to leave, life is too short!

Much of what you have written applied to my marriage.

The breaking point for me was the lack of involvement in myself and the dcs. My h would plan various nights out/weekends away with friends and then show a total lack of interest in doing exciting things with me or the dcs.

He moaned about lack of sex yet how can you have sex with someone who is out all hours drinking with friends whilst I was alone and lonely in the house?

Finally he left and I was distraught, then the light bulb moment occurred in my head and I told h not to come back.
Of course he didn't like this he wanted to enjoy the benefits of a married life and yet lead a single life too.

It is early days for us but I am seeking a divorce.

Not to alarm you but there was another woman and I have discovered that h's "single lifestyle" has left us in debt.

My advice to you is you cannot make someone behave in a way that they don't want to. You are not responsible for the actions of another adult.

Good luck in whatever you decide but you have the absolute right to be happy in life.

Thank you FeelingVulnerable.

My dh knows better than to moan about the lack of sex as i think he knows deep down that i am unhappy with him and the way things are.

I am fairly sure there is no other woman, as sure as one can be. Tbh i think he enjoys his golf, the pub and the company of men far more than the company of me, or another woman even, i really think that he gets his self worth and self approbation from other males, and from the male bonding thing. Strange and sad maybe, but not that uncommon i think.

Irish I understand what you are saying, however nobody was more shocked than me to discover the presence of the ow.
Even my own mother who never liked my h was totally shocked.

I too would never have known except I checked his phone and he had this woman's name in his recent messages. He had even been texting her when we were at a wedding together.
He vowed it was only flirty texting but is now seeing her.

I suppose there is always that chance. But in a way that would be maybe easier to take, as it would at least explain his strange detachment and lack of interest in things.

Hope the letter helps. My dh sounds just the same but we have now decided to separate. Can't quite believe it. Seems there a lot of emotionally detached men out there. I hope you get it resolved, I feel for you as it's not a nice place to be in.

Thanks Lilypie sorry that you are in the same situation, but glad you have made a decision to separate, sounds like it is for the best.