Does this sound like I probably did the right thing?

[IndestructibleGirl]

A few months ago, I posted here about still being hurt and bewildered why I cared about an ex- that's dramatically improved, and I'm no longer sore about him.

I did have a fling (literally about 3 months) with a man who appeared to be kind, funny, attentive and had a great time with him- I ended that last week because he had suddenly cooled right off and stopped calling as much, just threw me short texts and his attitude was altogether different. It really hurt to end it, and I felt really stupid and taken in (he had been very enthusiastic about seeing me/ calling me until then).

When he first started being weird, I thought well everyone can have a bad day- but it didn't get better, so after ten days of being less communicative I told him we'd be better as just friends. Admittedly, on one of those ten days he was very supportive when I had to go to A & E and came with me/ stayed a few hours, but I think he did that because he's a basically decent person- overall I felt he just didn't want to spend time with me anymore in a romantic sense. He didn't call the evening I got out of hospital, or the day after. When I broke it off with him, he said he was much busier now than when we got together first and couldn't give me what I needed.

This is a loooong post about a fling, I know- but I suppose what I'm asking is, do I seem to have acted promptly enough this time and nipped a non-relationship in the bud?

Or do I seem really demanding by getting annoyed by a sudden lack of communication given that it was very early days? I don't feel that it's crucial to speak to a boyfriend or whatever everyday- but I do expect communication to be decent and not just a three word text. Plus, if a pattern has been established of talking nearly every day, so that's the norm for those two people, it can't be a great sign if one backs off?

I think I'm having a hard time trusting my instincts after being hurt. Either that or I've become an impossible-to-please needy pain in the arse, which I really hope isn't the case...

Did you ask him if anything was up at any point? If so, was his response 'sorry' and a reason, or just 'nothing'?

If 'nothing' then probably he was cooling a bit.

when people say 'fling' they often mean an 'affair' ie one of you was married. is that so or do you mean it was a casual relationship that didn't last long?

I don't know what you mean about acting promptly enough and nipping a non relationship in the bud. well, I do, but it doesn't seem to match what was going on !

What you describe is a 12 week relationship which cooled, on his part. You picked it up and ended it- jumped before you were pushed.

Or are you asking if you acted too hastily, and it hadn't cooled , you just expected the intensity there was at the very start to last...?

(but saying you'll be friends doesn't close things off for ever, does it? Maybe you'll both find yourself communicating a little then a lot down the line and maybe things will happen. But no harm done if the alternative was you getting hurt chasing someone that had gone distant - you can leave it as friends and get on with life)

I would just trust my own instincts tbh. If you're not getting what you want out of a relationship, then don't waste (precious!) time on it. Good luck on the future, that's where you should be looking. That said, if you find someone to have some fun with on the way, and it IS just for fun, then there's nowt wrong with that so long as you're clear on what you want from each other. You want more from this guy, he can't give it, I think you've done what you know in your heart is right for you.

Missbopeep, no not married! Both free agents, I just meant that now in hindsight I guess it was in fact a fling- a short relationship that must have fizzled out because he cooled off :)

Coffeeandscones, no I didn't ask him if anything was wrong. I know that he had suddenly lost his home and was sofa-surfing while looking for a new place to rent, plus had a huge falling out with a member of his family he is very close to, as well as getting a big promotion at work with added responsibility to juggle, so he was having a busy stressful time. But my reasoning was no matter how little time you have, you make time/effort if you really like someone.

Thanks, summermakesmesneeze. Most of the last week I THINK I did the right thing, but I get odd stabs of guilt thinking I was expecting far too much and not making allowances for his life getting hectic. But even with the best will in the world, if he can't fit me in his life, that's not good enough anyway is it :(

He does sound busy, but I think if he was planning on getting serious, his busyness wouldn't have stopped him.

Has he initiated contact since you got rid?

For what it's worth I reckon you've done the right thing by ending it.

sounds as if you have a lot more invested emotionally than him and because of everything else going on in his life he was distracted.
I don't agree he should have been more serious as you've only known each other a short time.

If he was backing off then you only options were back off too, or end it - and you chose the latter.

If you feel this wasn't right all you can do is learn from it and not be so hasty next time- but play it cool in any case.

Well, he does seem to have a lot going on, which means cooling off is understandable; but in that case he's probably better off not being in a relationship at this time. Keeping the girlfriend sweet would be just one more chore on his plate instead of the privilege it should be. I rather think you've done the right thing by both of you.

Thanks for the feedback- it's encouraging that nobody has come along with the likes of 'omg, how selfish can you get, when he was having a hard time' or similar. Because part of me does feel bad- I cared about him and genuinely hope he's ok and has found somewhere to live and has made things up after the row with his family member.

I don't feel it was the wrong thing to end it from the perspective of my own emotions, because I know I wouldn't feel like I was being honest if I forced myself to back off too and vaguely hope that things would work out fine.

Missbopeep, I didn't want things to get more serious. We weren't exclusive ( I was seeing someone else casually, he wasn't- didn't have time!) and I had my own busy life with friends and work and stuff- it wasn't about wanting to get serious, it was more about feeling unhappy with communication going from being sparkling and fun and connected to just...not much.

What's frustrating is I don't know how it suddenly went from us both enjoying that connection (equally, I'd say) with him being really active in wanting to spend time with me/ talk to me etc, to it suddenly being me that had more invested emotionally, I'm baffled a bit. He seemed to like me as a whole person, not just see me as a bit of fun for a while. Ah well.

Dumbledorable, he hasn't been in touch, no.

I am glad you have the name IndestructibleGirl rather than AnxiousWoman or LackingConfidenceLass because you got past the previous disappointment and went dating again.

I am not sure what the accepted levels of communication are these days, . People are glued to their phones so much, half the novelty of a new friendship seems to be the excitement of swapping texts etc. Bit of a literal buzz every time a message comes in.

He wasn't the sort of lowlife you read on here called a cocklodger. He had his own problems but found time to go with you to A+E. Can't speak for him but maybe he felt unable to share his burdens so cooled off. But you've just said you didn't want things to get more serious so no issue really.

I agree if you don't see eye to eye or get the impression somebody is messing you about there's every reason to call it a day. So in that regard well done for taking the initiative. Being half a couple means ultimately you have to put into a partnership as much as you take from it.

Indestructible
Sometimes people when they have to much on their plate would do that
Sometimes when everthing would "crush"on them they would prefere to go in hiding mood
But I can be wrong

Maybe try to make sure he is fine no matter how hurt you are
But it just maybe (propobly the last person who should give a advice to anybody )

One of the best things (IMO) about having had a shit relationship and survived is developing the confidence to think, 'Actually - I don't need this kind of crap' about subsequent relationships.

Agree that there is absolutely no point investing time and emotion in a relationship that is one sided. I think his reaction to you breaking things off demonstrates he was cooling off. He was hardly devastated - simply told you he was busy now and couldn't give you what you needed.

I reckon you did the right thing, personally. And I don't think you sound needy. Actually sound pretty together - and self sufficient enough to think, 'Fuck it - not going there again'.

You really have dealt with it well, much better than me - I had a similar situation, 3 weeks of constant texting with a lovely guy, couple of kisses and then the cool off... Took me 6 months to realise he'd cooled off though! I'm clearly a bit slow . I see him nearly everyday and it makes me cringe knowing that I kept texting him, not sure why he didn't tell me to bugger off!

I think that your guy not getting in touch since you broke it off speaks volumes though.