Abusive ex has reared his ugly head again :(. Need advice please!

[mosp]

I ran away from dangerous h in 2003 when dds were 0 and 2. They have no direct experience of his abuse.

Since then, I have always made sure that any contact takes place in a contact centre (many reasons, one being that I don't trust him to safely return them, and he lives normally in Nigeria so it would be extremely hard to get them back to safety).

Apart from the contact centre, I have made no other stipulations or ever prevented him from seeing them or otherwise contacting them.

His last visit to them was about 6 years ago.
Very occasionally he calls them and has sent them money every so often (with gaps of literally years!)

He is still abusive towards me if he gets the tiniest chance so I have blocked his email and I refuse to deal directly with him - he needs to make arrangements via solicitor (no prob for him financially; he's loaded)

The thing now is that I have heard from sources that he is in the uk and wants to see the dds. He has stated that he will not use a contact centre.

The reason I know is that he called the minister of my church and sent an email. I was informed of this and I suggested that he be reminded (think broken record) that if he wants to arrange contact he needs to contact his solicitor.

About 5 years ago he took me to court about contact and the outcome was clear - he has to use a contact centre.

I hope you have made it this far...

Today I arrive home to find that I have missed a recorded delivery letter addressed to my dds (now 10 and 12). I know for certain what he will have written. He will be asking them if they want to see him not in a CC.

Now I don't know what to so for the best. I will have to fetch the letter and give it to them. They may well state that they do want to see him not in a CC. They have no experience of the truth about him because they've been protected all their lives.

However, if I insist on the CC, I look like the controlling one.

I know that ex wishes to paint me as a vengeful and bitter ex but my ONLY desire is to keep my dds safe.

What shall I do?

It is so sad that your children are frightened. That is hard for you to see. It is never easy to witness our children feeling scared. But it is better that they are aware of the situation and frightened, than blindly agree to go with him because they don't know what's going on. Sometimes, making them aware of a bad situation is the lesser of two evils.
I am certain that you are strong enough to deal with this. You had the strength to leave him and you have the strength to deal with this now. Yes, ask a friend to stay with you or ask to stay with them. Don't be alone now. Gather support on MN and RL. You are not alone.

mosp, what a nightmare for you. I have not experienced anything like this so can only guess at how scary it must be. staying with a friend or anywhere but home seems like a good solution for now. did he say in his letter how long he was in the country for? Your poor dd's. for what it's worth I think you have done absolutely the right thing telling them. at least they know to be wary. how dare he threaten to just turn up like that xx

Have another chat with the police DV unit about getting an injunction against this man so that if he comes anywhere near your home he will be arrested. As there is a record of his abusive, dangerous behaviour, you shouldn't have much trouble getting one.
Courts take a dim view of abusive men trying to get round court orders about contact, so he won't get very far if he tries another bout of legal action. Remember that he doesn't have superpowers and is not above the law, he's just an inadequate prick who can't behave himself.

I too don't have any real advice, but wanted to add some comfort.

Do you think abduction is a possibility? If so, can you make sure you have recent photos of your DC so that you can provide them to police in advance, as a precaution? (Don't want to sound alarmist)

How long can he stay in the UK? Is there a visa time limit?

Sadly, there is no record of his abuse. I once called the police on him and when they asked if I wanted to press charges I declined out of fear of repercussions.

The police told me today that the system since 2009 is much better with regards to DV reports.

I would have to get an injunction through a solicitor. Last time I asked for one, they told me that as he doesn't live in this country, it can't be done :(

Minister just called him at my request. He barely got a word in edge ways, but ex started out all polite and when minister made it clear to him that he must go through the proper channels to arrange contact, he started to get angry.

Apparently he's being treated so unfairly! "I've complied with the contact agreement!!! I've been to the contact centre TWICE!!!" Actually, it has been three times, and all of those were before the court hearing!

He's deluded and entitled! And he makes no logical sense!

I just wish I knew how long he will stay. No way to find out, but I doubt it will be too long! Maybe a fortnight at most, especially if he doesn't get his way!

Yes, I think he would want to take them! Now they are older, I hope they'd be harder to abduct. He'd have to persuade them to trust him. That's why I don't want them to spk to him, so he can't get a chance to sweet talk them!

He keeps saying that one day no one (i.e. me) will be able to prevent contact. He is so sure that they'll rush into his arms!

Well does he have residency, or is he here on a Visa? Could you speak to someone in UKBA for a bit of advice on his visitation status?

If he is here on a visa, that would surely give you some certainty on the maximum he could be here.

I'm wondering if there is any way that UKBA could put a flag on his passport that if he is travelling with children he should be stopped and questioned? I'm sure the police could action this, but you might need to suggest it to them, and perhaps be prepared to ring around until you speak with specialist officers.

You know, if you are really concerned that he may turn up, it may be worth speaking to WA to try to get you housed elsewhere for a short time.

Oh, mosp, how awful for you.

I think you have done the right thing in contacting the police and logging this.

And telling your DDs is the right way, it's better they know what is going on, yes, it must be scary for them, but keep the lines of communication open with them, then they are forearmed. Secrets and lies never did a family any good.

The only good thing about this is that he lives in Nigeria (I presume?), hopefully for you he doesn't have permanent residence in UK, so he'll be out of your lives distance-wise, soon enough anyway.
Is there somewhere you can all stay to get away, holiday-time and all that? Just for your peace of mind.

As I said, I used to be married to an African, we had a child together (now 22, at uni and doing great). When we split up and he went back to Africa, he threatened to take our son (6 months). He'd been abusive and it was his last bit of power over me. (We do have a great relationship with the family in Africa tho, thank god! and have been to visit, but that was years down the road - my son was 18! ).

I do understand where you are coming from and am so sorry you are going through this.

Thank you for caring, all of you!

Unfortunately, he got himself a British passport through his marriage to me, so he could stay as long as be likes.

I just noticed on hotmail that an email from him has got through. Confused, because I definitely blocked him! Need to work out what is up there!!

He hasn't seen them for six years right so is a stranger to them .
So any contact must be properly supervised.
It is a s simple as that.
If he gets angry over that then tough .

If he will only be in uk very short time you can ride it out...

If he turns up at door call police.

Yes, what is the passport situation? Do your DDs have them, (do you?) are they on yours on his??
(I presume not as you have residency, but then I don't live in UK anymore so barely a clue about those kind of laws).

It could be simple for him to add them to his at the embassy - don't want to scare you! -

My son has automatic right to nationality of his father's country.

It could be in your interest to get in touch with a lawyer at Reunite. (As I presume they would have that kind of info at hand).

I agree to contact Women's Aid and see what advice and help you can get from them. You have done the tight thing in informing the police.

If he wants to see them he can, through the contact centre. You are doing everything that you can to protect them.

Does he have a Nigerian passport as well as an English one?

Is he living in UK with his new wife, or Nigeria?

You don't need to answer any of these questions, more a case of you knowing how much of a threat he is to you (if he is here or there more).
Oh, and surely if he has a UK passport and is living here you have the law on your side, i.e. non-molestation order, stalking laws, etc.

Anyway, he said he wanted to take them on country walks, etc.? How's he going to do that in a contact centre, eh?

Don't let him bully you!

He has both. When he received his British one, he was required to send back his Nigerian one, but he lied that he'd lost it and now he has both.
However, his current wife won't have a British passport. They normally reside in Nigeria.

The thing that is bothering me at this moment is that I can't work out how to block him on Hotmail. I have googled it, but it tells me to click 'options' and there is no option called 'options'!!! I was convinced I already did it months and months ago! It is definitely the same address he's used. Anyone about to advise?

if you cannot block him then try to make a rule that dumps any email from him.into another folder. e.g. mark as spam or make a folder just for him.
it may actually be worth keeping some email in case you need it for evidence.

Is it worth contacting the Nigerian embassy and saying you are worried that your ex might try to abduct your dd's and see if they can provide any Nigeria specific advice?

Maybe they will be able to tell you if he has got passports for the girls or added them to his passport. Can he do things like get a Nigerian court to award him custody in Nigeria that the embassy will help him with despite the fact that English courts awarded you custody. Or have they signed up to the right conventions so your rights are protected?

As Hissy said, tell your church that under no circumstances are they to act as intermediaries, and in future, they are to respect your privacy by not confirming your whereabouts to anybody without your explicit permission. If he really wants to see his kids, he will get a lawyer and agree to a contact centre. Ignore him and his letters, only respond to letters from a solicitor and only then with a solicitor's letter, do not start a precedent by communicating directly.

I have been insisting on a contact centre for three years (never been to one because Ex hasn't made the effort) and I have refused any request to see DD outside the safety of that environment.

Your children don't need to hear the grizzly details but they do need some kind of explanation as to what happened; age appropriate language and detail, be neutral (no slagging off) and unemotional as possible. Your children would have probably devised their own explanation for why things are the way they are and often their imaginings are unrelated to the reality.

These &^%$£wits are weak and pathetic and feed off our angst, reiterate your boundaries (in your case the contact centre), communicate the consequences of overstepping these boundaries and follow through.

The saddest thing for me is supporting DD in managing her expectations of her father. It is imperative that she knows that she is not responsible for him and what he did or doesn't do is is his responsibility.

A contact centre is an understandable precaution and he is a fool not grasp the opportunity. To paraphrase Malcolm Tucker, he needs to "step the f*k-up or fk the f*k off.

Nigeria is not a signatory to the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction and even if they were, he has money and corruption is rife in Nigeria so not to be relied upon.

There is a useful information guide created by Reunite if you fear child abduction (the bit on the end refers to dual nationality).

www.reunite.org/edit/files/Prevention%20Guide%20E&W.pdf

Good luck.

Are you sure that he lied re passport? He may have been allowed to keep it. A quick google reveals dual citizenship is allowed in nigeria.

I think you need to speak to a specialist to find out exactly what all his options are. If he has dual citizenship could he relocate here and bring his wife, if he doesn't, how long can he stay, etc etc.
If you know then you can plan for all eventualities.

excellent post isetan
especially re. making sure the dcs know this is not their responsibility.
i am sure mosp that you already do tell them this but i think it cannot be said to often that none of this is their fault. it is about his behaviour nite about them as people.

see I am not putting this very well as tis is one i struggle with for my dcs. trying to make them see they are loved and wonderful and it is not any lack in them that makes their nsdf a FW.

On hotmail click on junk (or maybe more then junk; it depends on the browser/computer). From my iPad it is hard to block addresses it is much easier from the main computer it is much easier.

This must be so worrying for you mosp

I second the idea of a call to your church - they shouldn't be giving out any information about any members without explicit permission.

British children can no longer be added to a parent's passport; they are required to hold their own. This was introduced some years ago to help prevent estranged parents removing children without permission from the UK. I don't know about rules on Nigerian passports.

If you don't have passports for your children - it might be worth applying for them, as either parent can apply - all you need is a birth certificate and photos. Then you know you have the passports - one less thing to worth about.

Just a quick update in case anyone interested:
We are still ok and if ex has told truth to my church people, he's leaving on Monday!
He has not been seen by any of us. He has not arranged to see the girls.
They are upset, but it is probably all for the best that they find out first hand what he is really like.
There is ton going on in my head atm. Maybe I'll post about it later, either on this thread or on a new one.

have been lurking mosp, glad to hear you are still there reeeeeally hoping with you that he is buggering off as promised.
it is for sure for the best that your girls have a clear picture of what he is like and are forewarned.
hugs x