Relationships - 'need' vs 'want' and not being responsible for happiness

[CoffeeandScones]

Just had a counselling session with Relate (over the telephone, just me (not DW)), second session.

Amazed by the things we talked about, and though the whole conversation is still going round and round in my head there were two things that really struck me and I wondered if anyone had links to resources/information or similar on them:

1. 'wanting' someone in a relationship is healthy, 'needing' someone is not;
2. You contribute (or not) to another's happiness, but you are not responsible for their happiness.

If anyone knows a website, book, whatever for either of these concepts I'd be really grateful.

Those are sound principles and the basis of any healthy relationship, yes.

If one or both of you "needs" the other and feels responsible for the other's happiness, that may point to co-dependency. You could google that.

I'm a bit sad that you find these two basic truths so striking (but I understand: I remember that moment of realisation myself from a couple years ago).

Do you want to tell us a little more about your relationship and why you are in Relate now?

Hi HotDAMN, thank you for replying.

Previous thread (from a few weeks ago) here:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1806645-Communication

That contains the reasons why I went to Relate in the first place. This second call/session teased out some further feelings about a few things about how I see my relationship with DW.

I think they were so eye-opening as I had never really understood them before. But even if I had maybe I would have subconsciously repressed it for fear of what it might mean for us.

Btw I did Google co-dependency:

www.coda-uk.org/index.php?page=patterns-characteristics-of-co-dependency

Some of the Denial Patterns and a good few of the Low Self Esteem Patterns did hit home.

So you did. Stellar advice from Cogito on that thread, as usual. Glad to see you are going to the sessions alone. Keep at it; I hope it brings further lightbulb moments.

Thank you HotDAMN. When you say 'further lightbulb moments', are you saying that with an idea in your mind of what those lightbulbs are?

I'm not asking you to specify them necessarily, but everybody I turn to for advice is pointing me in largely the same direction. It's a scary direction. If it's the right one then so be it, but I'd hate to have somehow blown up a bizarre situational fantasy in my mind (oh look, there's that low self esteem thing popping up again) and be about to walk off a metaphorical cliff...

I can't make H happy, but I can help to make him unhappy.

No, just that you're still clearly in limbo, and you're going to need more moments of realisation to help you decide what action you want to take.

I see, thanks for the clarification Hot

Orm - any chance you could elaborate? It's probably obvious but I'm tired out, sorry...

Sorry - a truly happy contented person is a happy contented person without the need for someone else to make them so. However a happy contented person can be made unhappy by the actions of someone else. IE I can be happy with my H, I can't make him happy. I can make him less happy by my actions.

Yes those are basic truths but worth pointing out. My counsellor recently said another - you are only responsible for 50% of any relationship.

The Baggage Reclaim Blog does this very well, IMHO. I'd highly recommend it.