MIL - opinions needed! sorry long.

[PinkParsnips]

I don't want to sound like this is another MIL-bashing thread but need some opinions on how I'm handling this situation.

My MIL is a very, very difficult character. I genuinely think she may have some sort of personality disorder or mental health issue tbh.

She is extremely moody - practically always in a very bad mood, something has always gone wrong, someone's done her wrong (never, ever her fault), can't take the slightest friendly joke, very selfish & aggressive in her manner, totally paranoid, sulky, needy - she has the strangest personality I've ever come across. I find her very intimidating, even after 10 years.

Some examples (I have 100's!) are that she will invite us over for tea but will just glare at us when we come in the house, no greeting, can't get a conversation out of her, have tea, leave. She guilt-trips DH (only child) all the time, crying on the phone, if we weren't in when she rang/visited, where were we? have we fallen out with her? etc etc.
She questioned DH for 10 mins on Sun on our whereabouts because we weren't in when she called by unexpectedly. If she turns up and my parents are there she will sulk and go sit in a different room to us all.
If I don't go with DH every single time he sees her, this in her eyes means I've then fallen out with her. If DH tries to tactfully bring up that she is being a bit silly, this brings on more crying, sulking, slamming the phone down, why are you falling out with me? etc etc.

I actually get on with her ok when she's in a rare ok mood so I don't think it's me as such, and it isn't just us she's like this with - she's being disciplined at work for her attitude to others, she's awful to her (now ex-)partner, rude to my parents, doesn't have a single friend etc. I do think she's jealous of mine and DH's relationship. She's asked twice recently if she can move in with us (she wasn't joking either).

(Wow sorry this is long, I could go on forever!)

I'm now 6 months pregnant (which has barely been mentioned by her at all) but know that obviously her visits etc will increase when baby comes and I just feel at the point of being totally exhausted by her and not wanting to see her at all. I've asked DH to start going round on his own more as I'm not prepared to spend my spare time visiting someone who can't even smile or make us feel welcome, also so she doesn't turn up at ours every weekend unannounced (another bug bear) just to sit there grumpily for 2 hours complaining about how work is "shit", life is "shit" etc etc, but I do feel guilty about backing off like this and wonder if this makes things worse.

I'm not sure if I should continue to withdraw from her (for my own sanity) or whether I should go the other way and kill her with kindness, perhaps be more of a friend to her etc to see if that placates her at all. Tbh I have a feeling this could be part of the issue, she used to ring me a lot in the beginning but I held back somewhat as I found it very hard to try & be 'friends' with her due to her personality and when she wasn't in the right mood my texts would go unanswered, offers to come for tea were ignored so I stopped bothering.

Please help me! WWYD?!! I spend ages wondering how her mind must work to see what we can do to improve the situation, as frankly another 30/40 years of this is a very depressing thought!

(thanks if you made it this far!!)

Oh wow, sounds VERY difficult!!! If it were me, I think I would discuss with my DH and try and get some boundaries in place now. This is very important. I am suggesting this on the basis that your DH 'gets' how difficult she is (which it sounds as though he does) and that discussing this is easy enough (which it isn't always). You may of course find that the MIL is around a lot for the cute new baby stage, then pulls back again when you get to the crawling, rusks-and-drool stage. So if you can't get the boundaries in place you need, all may not be lost. Good luck x

Thank you! You're right with the boundaries that need to be set. We have tried in the past e.g. by saying that Sunday's were our only full day together as both work FT and DH works Saturdays and we like to do things together on that day, but she has manipulated that situation by instead turning up unannounced every week so we have no choice but to see her regardless of having plans or not. DH has asked her to ring before visiting but she still doesn't.

The problem with DH is that he swings between wanting to withdraw from her himself, feeling upset, guilty and cruel for having these thoughts about his own mum and wanting an easy life i.e. he feels its easier not to mention it rather than have the terrible backlash, which I understand, but he knows I don't find an acceptable solution.

I think part of the answer needs to be DH getting over his inner-torment at feeling he's a bad son etc and getting a backbone tbh, he's been so conditioned by her to think he is a bad son though if he doesn't pander to her (only child and brought up with no father figure so just them two - so he's had 20+ years of it all).

The problem is she seems completely and utterly unable to comprehend that she causes a problem in any sense, so it will always be someone else's fault and I can't see her ever changing - so in some ways, speaking to her about her actual behaviour is pointless.

Regarding her turning up unannounced at weekends - hopefully she doesn't have a key?( If she does get locked changed on some pretext and don't give her new key). Then, answer door with coat on, 'oh, we are just going out. Best to ring beforehand so you don't have wasted journey. Bye!'

That's a good idea!
Its all come to a bit of a head today anyway as it all kicked off again last night - we are leaving her out, she's upset, depressed, we're out of order blah blah blah oh and the best one, we should make sure we're available on a weekend as she gets bored?!?
Hmmm ok.
So DH and I have had a long talk tonight as I felt very stressed and I think we've come up with some 'ground rules' which are going to need a bit of effort on our part, visiting once a week etc but no wknd's and dh is going to speak to her about her neediness and lets see where that takes us. Not much else we can do!

I would be tempted to put my cards on the table in a frank and open manner e.g. explain to her that her negativity is very wearing, and if she doesn't make an effort, she'll be seeing less and less of you all (as well as the neediness). If she argues, ask her for an example of when she's said something positive.