For those not about, five weeks ago, I posted this hours before demanding a separation (well split, but I was drip feeding as this was out of the blue for him) from my husband. I read this thread yesterday and it struck me just how very depressed I sounded at the time.
Since then I have felt truly wonderful, making use of the emotional space in my life and using it to feel truly authentic and me again, for the first time since having children. A huge weight has lifted, everybody notices the change in me and I also notice a subtle change in the kids, who are slightly more confident and relaxed.
I told husband that I wanted a temporary split and would decide what next when I returned from holiday. This has given me a feeling of not needing to commit to anything which has probably contributed to how wonderful I've felt. We returned from that holiday a few days ago.
Over the five weeks husband has kept a respectful distance and been very cooperative about looking after the dc. Yesterday he popped round (to drop off the dog who stayed at FIL's!). For the first time he looked very emotional and fragile and talking was extremely awkward and stilted. This because we are now back from hols and at a crossroads.
From what I hear from close friends who he's seen, he knows it's over. Despite me being in the family home, he asks if he can use MY toilet, asks me to get things from upstairs because he feels too awkward going upstairs now. But yesterday there was something different about him, he was looking at me with deep respect and emotion (which I found un-nerving, sort of like as per the beginning of the relationship) and although I fully intended to gently let him know yesterday it is definitely over, I couldn't bring myself to do it for fear of completely crushing him and drawing a big black line under 14 years of our lives together. In the end I sent him a text, gently saying that 'living apart feels right'. He is on annual leave from Sat for two weeks, I desperately wanted to tell him before he goes away so he can reflect and get used to the idea while away from work. Horrendous but didn't know what else to do.
I felt so sure and so strong in initiating the separation. But hubby totally floored me with how he was yesterday. dd1 found it very upsetting and cried a few times last night as a result (although dd and I had some lovely chats about feeling 'unsettled' and the lines of communication remain open with her).
This is the messy bit isn't it. It feels so final, he seems so vulnerable, and I was totally floored by his vulnerability and by the way he was with me. I am terrified of going back to him. I just don't trust that he knows how to be the father and husband I need. We will slip into old patterns and that will be the death of me. He has said nothing concrete to counter my complaints or make me think he is undertaking any fundamental work on himself (which would ultimately be required). So why is this all affecting me so much?
Please help me with the messiness and finality and the crazy mixed up feelings. Sorry this is so long. Just had to get it out cos it just feels a bit mess. Does this sound familiar to anyone? Please help me get my head straight.