HELP (sorry bit long)

[frustratedmum101]

Hi 1st time poster struggling through difficult relationship issues just need some opinions before I make my final decision don't want to appear weak but.......

Been married since 2006 never been good at all. I have had issues so has he. I had issues with spending now cured as have no money to spend simply paying back but my life with him has been difficult to say the least. Bought house together 5 yrs ago and from a month after we bought he kept saying I cant wait to get out of here by that time we had mortgage plus about £7500 in debt. Debt now paid of we have some others but only about £2500 now

Just had so many arguments screaming shouting calling me names trying to keep my cool all the time just so draining. Anyway father died, I am from another country not a hug, kiss consolation nothing just screaming at me again about what he has done for me and how ungrateful I am. Oh this is 2 months after having a baby he didn't want and made my life hell about - been called so many name names, thief, liar cow, bitch, slut etc. He says paying for baby not his responsibility all on me not his priority and I have been paying £700 or so for the last 3 years. We have separate finances since that baby because he decided he wouldn't/couldn't pay - have borrowed etc. to support baby as can't afford to stop working have a 16 yr old from previous relationship

Anyway the quarrel really was because he didn't think he should help me at all to go home to father's funeral but sisters helped. Went back to work 2 months after baby and have now worked my way up in my firm from earning £26000 to £50 000 as a middle manager now he is talking sweet, about holidays etc. What do I do? No sex no intimacy no love from either side, I am too frustrated unhappy tired stressed becasue of all the bills I pay, disheartened and so on.

I just want to hear other opinions his family feel I have used him for what not sure he did borrow £5000 for me to study and bought me a car which I have paid back and am now paying 75% of all bills in the house. I am supposedly intelligent in charge at work and all that why can't I fix this aspect of my life?

please help with perspective feel as if out of control

Sounds like the relationship is over. Can your family help you to leave and start again with your children?

End it.

You can manage by yourself, you already are. Life will be infinitely easier without this fuckwitted deadbeat dragging you down.

Jeesh. You don't perspective, you need a one-way plane ticket. Away from him.

Hope you have some family help and that you get the shit out of there soon.

not sure why I am still here, small debt, the mortgage, my inability to make a decision about this aspect of my life. I guess I need to see a lawyer need to save myself just feel awful end of month approaching of course I will should nearly all of the bills about £2400 worth which leaves me with no money to do anything with the kids and just feel really despondent,
. Not sure why I am posting just need to sort this in my head I guess

I need an exit plan,please help if you have asked your husband to leave family home

anyone who has successfully moved on from relationship please advise feel unable to make the move. what should i be planning first

Hey OP. Sorry to hear you're in this awful situation.

From what you say it sounds like you're paying for everything - all the bills, all the debt - and presumably the mortgage too. It doesn't sound like he's contributing anything at all.

I was most shocked of all to hear that he won't pay anything towards support of his own child. That is appalling. You're the one paying for everything, and he should be the one to leave, not you. Don't listen to anything his family say.

Do you have any friends / family locally who could support you practically / emotionally in real life? I would gather the support of a few trusted friends, and ask him to leave. You could pack him a bag of a few necessary things and have it ready for him the next time he comes home. It would be worth it to be rid of him from the sound of what you say.

Olgaga has a lot of information on her blog about separating, with links:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

You are already managing by yourself. You will just cut loose the heartache and constant earache from him.

You cannot fix this because he doesn't want it to be fixed. He doesn't want an equal relationship with you he wants you to pay for everything and be grateful he is there at all. By claiming you are the one who is taking liberties you are always off balance trying to prove you are not so don't even see the liberties he is taking.

He is a deadbeat who is draining you, ditch him move somewhere nearer your job, or investigate another one nearer your family. Get on with your life without him.

Thanks js will read that blog through tonight. I guess just need the courage to say enough is enough. Just thinking 2 children to get ready for school no support, nothing saved up as I spend all my income on kids, food bills, just depressed really.

You've realised you're fed up and that he's the one causing it. That's a good start. The strength to make the next step will come soon. Start planning and gathering your strength. Get support from trusted people outside the situation, who aren't also his friends, if you can.

Not all of this will be relevant to your situation but it sounds like your partner might be a bit of a 'loser' as described here:

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling depressed, but not really surprised. I think a lot of people would be in your situation. The good news is that it'll start to lift. You'll be surprised how much better you'll start to feel even by starting to plan the process of separation.

I wouldn't put off the moment when you ask him to leave, though. Being actually physically rid of him will make you feel a million times better.

Was just coming on to link to Olgaga's fabulous blog, but see I was beaten to it.

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

clicky linky

Thanks for the blog have read it through and I am surprised but possibly shouldn't be that he has many of those characteristics. Everything is my fault, all the time no matter what. He was complaining about money and showed him what I paid vs what he pays - I pay more than 70% of all bills his response was predictable - I put my savings into buying the house this was 5 years ago and we both put in equal amounts.

I know what I have to do just need to be brave and do it

be strong, lovely x

Hi again,

Just feel so low and down today. I have exactly £4.53 in the bank and my DD just collected her results and got all A* and A's and wants money to go out with friends and I can't afford it because every penny of the over £2500 I take home has to be spent on bills. While husband pays £600 into bank and sometimes once per month buys a week's food shop.

Just sorting out how to tell him to leave which will be sooner rather than later as at the end of my tether now. He gets paid weekly about£450 and I am sat here with no money while he was paid today. God help me I am just too stupid to be allowed to call myself a responsible woman.

I must stop this financial abuse

So how do I move on. Still here with my husband and feeling more and more abused, isolated and going a little bit mad. My husband pays £416 per month towards household with a mortgage 3 times that amount. I am told how I take and don't give. Now I am going to pay only half of all bills whatever isn't paid so be it.

I have contacted mediators and will try that route. Please help the £24000 paid over the last 3 years for baby's care has only been me bailiffs calling me all the time as debts for myself overwhelming by the time household bills paid nothing left.

Please talk some sense into me I need help