What is wrong with me?!

[Flumpy2012]

I just cannot seem to let go of this awful relationship. He is an overweight, middle aged man who constantly leaves, never ever wants to marry me but every time I'm almost strong enough to get on with my life I end up desperate to be back with him and so the cycle begins. He doesn't love me, he's left so many times including in pregnancy, we don't live together and haven't for over a year.
He runs me down to just about anyone who'll listen, his family hate me. The only positive is that he adores our daughter and is v good with her, he can be lovely, so last week he bought me a bike and we had family photos and now bam here we go again he's walking out!!
I also suffer with anxiety, not really day to day but when things are too much and haven't left the house for over 2 days :-/
Please don't slate me, just help. TIA

I'm not surprised you suffer from anxiety living with someone who treats you like that.

If you've been caught up in this cycle many times before I'm afraid that it's unlikely anything posted on here will provide a magic solution. Are you able to go to your GP and get counselling? Something keeps making you go back, and if you can work out what that is and how to get past it you stand a much better chance of kicking this man into touch where he belongs.

THe only bit of advice that might help is that if your DD is your achilles heel, next time you split, enlist a friend or family member to hand over your DD for contact so that you don't have to see him. Also remember that a good dad does not treat the mother of his child with such casual disregard because that is highly damaging for the child.

Good luck.

There is nothing wrong with you, despite what he may wish you to believe.
If you are struggling to find the strength or self esteem to end this pattern then maybe it would help to consider if, in the future, you would be happy to see your daughter in a relationship like this......if the answer is no then why would you continue to model this as what relationships are? If you end this relationship you will open yourself and your daughter to the potential of being in healthy relationships. You can teach your daughter how to be a strong young woman who knows how much she is worth. Be brave x

Thank you. I think my self esteem is just so low I don't believe anyone else would want us.
The trouble is sometimes he is so so nice and we rub along wonderfully and then he will do this, over anything, commitment, a holiday, talking about the future. Then we argue and I end up so confused that I'm pleading with him for answers and explanations for hours - he Claims this is the only thing wrong and that it's all my fault.
Then something happens and I get pulled back and believe it will all be ok.
My DD isn't necessarily my Achilles heel, I'm afraid I'm quite harsh in the view that he should have basic contact of a few hours a week due to all this emotional crap he does.
I would loathe my daughter to be going through this but I just wanted to be a normal happy family and I hate that we are broken.
Why did he buy me a bike and the family photos?
I'm not depressed, I love my DD and she makes me v v happy but the anxiety is horrendous at the moment. I'm still EBF, she is 8mo and yesterday all i ate was a sandwich, and I got 2 hours sleep and spent the rest of the night cleaning my house. I have never done this before! I don't live with anyone else, have only a few friends around here and my family are 120 miles away.

I don't wish I didn't have DD but I wish I could have a totally clean break from him and this awful head fuck he seems to do so regularly x

He's done a good job on you hasn't he! The bike and family photos are his way of hooking you in. Abusive behaviour (and make no mistake, that is what this is, despite the absence of physical violence) follows a characteristic nice-nasty pattern. It's called the cycle of violence. You're hooked on the nice. The nasty simply pushes you harder to chase after the nice that you know is there. Unfortunately, the nasty is the real him and the nice is the act to keep you where he wants you.

Try reading up a little on emotional and psychological forms of domestic violence. Sometimes knowledge is the key to understanding emotions and giving them less power over our actions.

All the best with it.

Your anxiety will always be high while you are with him, you will not be able to see clearly until you make a clean break and have some time to think about YOU, instead of him. The most confused we ever get is when we try to convince our heads of something that our heart knows is a lie.

Dahlen is right, arm yourself with knowledge about what he is doing to you.

Thank you. I really want to try to do what you suggest, if I do that though he accuses me of emotional abuse.

I confess to reminding him of what he is walking away from in our DD growing up and me loving him and he says that's emotional blackmail. I don't do it maliciously, I do it because I want him to be sure.

The latest is he wants to get help, I'm still not sure. I plan to see him at relate and explain what he is doing and see if they are able to make him see how wrong it is. I feel like we need that just to be able to communicate as separated parents for DD?

Do people like this ever change? x

I'd advise against Relate. It doesn't work with abusers, it just gives them the tools to turn it even more on you. Unless you have a counsellor who is skilled in abuse dynamics you could well end up leaving Relate being told that the problem is yours rather than your partner's.

It's a classic abuser technique to turn the tables and accuse you of being abusive when you point out the consequences of their actions or call them on their behaviour. No doubt you'll also be told you're bullying him if you try to lay down any ground rules.

Getting help is also another similar tactic used when they start to sense you are serious. It will probably never materialise. Do not fall into the trap of trying to organise it for you. Part of the willingness to accept responsibility and change is having the gumption to organise it for himself.

Regarding your DD though, quite seriously I'd let him walk. He has the potential to do an awful lot of damage to your DD. What he will teach her about relationships is awful. Abuse is about entitlement, not anger or a mixed-up childhood blah blah. It is an active choice to use unacceptable means to achieve your own ends. Abusers prey on the vulnerable and there is no one more vulnerable than a child. Right now, at such a young age, she is unscathed and he is likely to appear to be a great dad because there is no challenge from your DD. Instead it's pure need and adoration - just what he thrives on. As she grows up, develops her little personality and pushes boundaries like all children do, he will start to manipulate her in just the same way he does you.

Do people like this change? Short answer is no. Lundy Bancroft's extensive work in this field puts it at about 5%, and it's not a quick fix either.

'Do people like this change?' The answer of course is yes....but will he change ...NO. If his daughter has not given him enough reason and you have enabled his behaviour by staying then he has no reason to.
It sounds as if he has you exactly where he wants and believes you are powerless to act.
This is not about him, it is about you and your little one.
We cannot change how others act but we can change how we react.

So DD is going to grow up with a 'D'F who is there sometimes, who arrives laden with gifts sometimes, who goes without explanation, who makes her mummy cry, who she can't rely on, who will possibly make her anxious like her DM, who basically is a cruel man and not a loving father. What a great start to life!